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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DM is always belittling and insulting me in front of other people

68 replies

Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 16:11

Im going to be a bridesmaid for a family member very soon. The other day we went to try on our dresses for the first time. Everyone said how lovely we all looked, including DM who then suddenly decided to chip in that I needed to hold my stomach in?! I was so taken back that I went to look in the mirror and saw that if anything I looked slimmer as the dress synched me in at the waist! It was a total WTF moment, but it follows a pattern. She will often criticise me or belittle me in front of others, never privately because she knows I wont say anything back in front of other people. It used to upset me but now makes me furiously angry, as I'd never belittle anyone and certainly not my own child!

DM then harshly said ' why are you still wearing that dress Cheese? You can take it off now!' When actually the bride wanted some photos of us all in our dresses and thats why I still had it on!

Sounds ridiculous, but I sometimes wonder if shes jealous of me for some reason? She is very bitchy and unkind about other women in general, and will often say stuff like 'look at the state of her' when we are ever out somewhere. Or 'did you see that photo of so and so on Facebook didnt she look awful'. I feel that she didnt like the fact that the spotlight was on me and not her and that others were saying how nice I looked so had to stick the knife in.

How do I deal with this? She knows full well I cant respond in front of people.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2019 16:16

Did you confront her about this after the fact? If no, why not?

Aussiebean · 27/07/2019 16:18

Jealous sounds about right. My mum was the same. Couldn’t even brush my hair right and I’m not kidding. Literally was criticised for the way I was brushing my hair.

Take a look at the stately homes thread. You might see you mother there.

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 16:22

My dm couldn't cope with the fact I Ioved, respected and actually liked my dc.
Been nc for many years....
Jealous, bitter and resentful - not a woman I needed around.

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 16:29

Aquamarine I didnt confront her because I know she'd deny it, tell me Im being stupid or something similar and just shut me down. She doesn't do confrontation.

Without drip feeding Ive overhauled my lifestyle and lost two stone in weight through diet and exercse. I was never that big, but chubby and uncomfortable and I feel so much better for it. So why she felt the need to comment on my stomach I dont know? Especially as she's also said that she thinks im getting 'too skinny' !

OP posts:
peekyboo · 27/07/2019 16:35

She commented because you looked lovely and she couldn't be doing with it. Then she commented again because you were still in the dress and still looking lovely, so even though she couldn't make you take it off - because of the photos - she could make sure she brought you down a peg or two and stop you enjoying yourself too much.
Unfortunately, sometimes the simplest, least welcome explanations are the truth.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 16:36

she knows I wont say anything back in front of other people
Well you need to start confronting her in front of witnesses when she does it.
She's bullying you.
If you read up on narcisstic mothers you'll find that some women ARE jealous of their daughters and abusive towards them.
The mind boggled but it IS a 'thing'.

peekyboo · 27/07/2019 16:36

You might not feel able to answer back in public but be sure everyone notices her nasty, vicious little digs.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 16:42

Bully Mum: "You need to hold your stomach in"
Me: "No i don't. (Admiring myself in mirror) I love how flat my stomach looks in this -and how the fit gives me a smaller waist. I think it's the best bridesmaid dress a bridesmaid could ask for! Turn to bride and gush "i love it! thankyou!"
Or
Me: "No i don't. You sound like a jealous cow trying to have a dig at me"

Bully Mum: "why are you still wearing that dress? You can take it off now!"
Me: "Who made you the boss of me? I will decide when i take it off. I suggest you go cool off outside if you can't behave like a decent human being".

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 16:45

I hope so Peekyboo.

I cant ever imagine saying that to anyone. It was so unkind and bitchy and put a huge dampner on what was actually a lovely day. God knows what she'll be like at the wedding when she see's me playing an active role in the ceremony, in photos etc and she's not. I fully expect her to ramp it up.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 27/07/2019 16:52

She feels bad about herself and she expresses it by being critical and unkind about your appearance. My Mother has done this to me all my life. I realised all the comments about my stomach and legs and whatever were all about how she felt about herself. I wish I could turn back time and dress as I wanted as a young woman and ignore the comments about always having to cover it up.

peekyboo · 27/07/2019 16:54

One major thing you can do for your own peace of mind and emotional health is to talk to people in real life, either those that know her or your own friends. Parents who behave like this rely on you not fighting back, but also on you treating it like a secret. You don't have to keep it to yourself, you can gather emotional support if you need it.
This is not the same as gossiping or bitching, it's helping you to realise other people care and will have noticed how your mother treats you.

sonjadog · 27/07/2019 16:54

I deal with it btw by having a complete ban on any comments from her on my appearance. She isn’t allowed to say anything positive either as she will sneak in some backhanded compliment.

MidnightVelvet9 · 27/07/2019 17:00

That sounds shit OP!

So you have a choice, you can call her out on it now & fight back every time she says something horrible or you can put up with it through the wedding day & beyond. Not saying one is better for you than the others, it's just how the options appear to be right now, we are all different & its you that has to deal with the consequences.

Would you be able to fight back at the time she says them?

Isleepinahedgefund · 27/07/2019 17:01

I've got a mother like that. I find avoiding her to be highly effective. She can't help herself. On the rare occasion that I am in the same room with her, as soon as she starts I just leave. I don't engage and I don't stay for more. Even if it's just leaving the room that's enough.

RevealTheLegend · 27/07/2019 17:04

How about ..

Stare intently at her bum/ waist/ shoes

‘Wait, shit, what’s that..?

Oh, it’s just your insecurities showing

Put them away, everyone can see them love‘

Think it in your mind, even if you wouldn’t do it

Pinkbonbon · 27/07/2019 17:04

Textbook narcissist.

Normal people don't put people down like that, especially people they are supposed to love. Disordered people however, can't stand you feeling secure in yourself on your own steam (because they, never can) so they have to bring you down.

A straight up, incredulous "do not talk to me like that" next time. And probably best to reduce contact with her. Life's too short!

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 17:05

I find that standing up to her makes her worse MidnightVelvet. Actually when she commented on my stomach I did make a point of saying how I liked how the dress synched me in, and funnily enough the bride made a comment about how small my waist looked. Which makes me wonder if she noticed the remark as well.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 27/07/2019 17:14

God my mum does this I don't know what the solution is. Or the reason.

On my wedding day - peers closely and points out spots

In a shop - put that back you can't afford it

Etc

Pinkbonbon · 27/07/2019 17:17

Just blank stare/leave the room/"don't speak to me like that" (or all three). They want you to be hurt or annoyed or defend yourself so that they know that have got to you and so that they can continue sucking the energy out of your sales.

CherryPavlova · 27/07/2019 17:18

I suspect you need words that stop the behaviour in its tracks without being accusatory or confrontational. Something that is repeated whenever necessary and so innocuous it doesn’t embarrass everyone else.
Something like “Ouch mother, that is not OK”. Learn and repeat often and don’t be dragged into a battle of words. Any attempt at escalation is simply met with it being repeated. “As I sad, that is not OK”.

Pinkbonbon · 27/07/2019 17:19

*sails

RevealTheLegend · 27/07/2019 17:26

I have a similar relative tbh.

I find an indulgent smile and a vague ‘yes, i daresay your right‘

Works nicely. Last week, and a special anniversary dinner JUST as a was about to start eating she told me I was unacceptably fat and I must lose weight as a priority.

I had extra pudding AND a cheeseboard

(I am fat and IDGAF)

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 17:53

I find that standing up to her makes her worse
You don't have to take it though.
Just stop contact with her until she apologises.
Be prepared to go without contact for ages if she digs her heels in.
You'll always be her doormat if you don't set boundaries.

Trickyteens · 27/07/2019 19:05

My mother used to offer me her clothes if I looked slim, as "they're too big for me these days".

It's just jealousy. Truthfully, though, you absolutely must stand up to her in public. I think it's right to remain polite-especially in public-and say you don't look fat alt all etc.

She definitely gets her power from you colluding in the opinion that she is not challengeable in public. She is, it's just about how you do it.

Trickyteens · 27/07/2019 19:07

Savingspace's approach is perfect. I think you'll increasingly notice that other people are actually on your side, such as the bride seemed to be in this instance. She almost certainly was.