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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DM is always belittling and insulting me in front of other people

68 replies

Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 16:11

Im going to be a bridesmaid for a family member very soon. The other day we went to try on our dresses for the first time. Everyone said how lovely we all looked, including DM who then suddenly decided to chip in that I needed to hold my stomach in?! I was so taken back that I went to look in the mirror and saw that if anything I looked slimmer as the dress synched me in at the waist! It was a total WTF moment, but it follows a pattern. She will often criticise me or belittle me in front of others, never privately because she knows I wont say anything back in front of other people. It used to upset me but now makes me furiously angry, as I'd never belittle anyone and certainly not my own child!

DM then harshly said ' why are you still wearing that dress Cheese? You can take it off now!' When actually the bride wanted some photos of us all in our dresses and thats why I still had it on!

Sounds ridiculous, but I sometimes wonder if shes jealous of me for some reason? She is very bitchy and unkind about other women in general, and will often say stuff like 'look at the state of her' when we are ever out somewhere. Or 'did you see that photo of so and so on Facebook didnt she look awful'. I feel that she didnt like the fact that the spotlight was on me and not her and that others were saying how nice I looked so had to stick the knife in.

How do I deal with this? She knows full well I cant respond in front of people.

OP posts:
sassandfaff · 27/07/2019 19:14

Laugh and shake your head.
Or

Tilt your head to one side and say 'aww, bless' and laugh

Or

Say 'miaow' and laugh

Tenpenny · 27/07/2019 19:18

My mother has done this to me for years but in private. Years of looking me up and down critically and saying "when are you going to get that weight off, pull your stomach in" etc. At my highest weight I was a size 12...
Its a projection of her own insecurities and yes, definitely a jealousy. Awful to realise. My mother can talk viciously about other womens appearances and is almost obsessed with everyone's weight, she really really trusts her face and says nasty things.

The way you have to deal with it is directly and plainly. "What a rude and bitchy thing to say, what's the matter with you?“ etc

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/07/2019 19:19

You can and should call her out on this. Even just to say “That’s a nasty remark and I don’t appreciate it.” Others will have noticed, I can assure you.

Tenpenny · 27/07/2019 19:19

*really twists her face, that should say...

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 19:23

Its good to know that Im not the only one with a mother like this, though I just cant get my head around her being jealous of me. How can a mother be jealous of their own child? I thought they were meant to be proud?

Now I think about it there have been so many instances over the years of similar stuff and its definitely been an ongoing theme. Like when people commented on how slim i'd got she brought it back to her and how she'd been really slim before she married, a size 10 etc. When I got ID'd in a pub at well over 25, she also used to get ID'd all the time.

I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone, and that she's just a sour faced misery who likes to pull other women apart to feel better about herself.

OP posts:
BishopofBathandWells · 27/07/2019 19:28

My mother is very similar. She couches it as concern but it's because she's miserable in herself. After my DS had a baby she told her she needed to lose weight from her calves. She was three months post-baby and was still a size 12.

She's made a fair few shitty comments to me in the past and I've had to go LC with her for my own mental health. You're not alone. And you can guarantee other people notice how awful she is - hence the bride making the comment about how lovely you looked.

Tenpenny · 27/07/2019 19:28

Cheese have you ever had bitchy friends..? I actually was drawn to friendships with the same dynamic for many years before realising why.

peekyboo · 27/07/2019 19:34

@Tenpenny that's a great point. I remember my mother taking against my best friend in my teens because the girl was too bossy and was always telling me what to do. It was years later before I realised I was finding friends who mirrored what I was used to.

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 19:39

Tenpenny I know what you mean about the twisted face when ripping into other women. I remember a member of our extended family posted a photo of Facebook of herself at a work party, and DM kept going on and on about how awful she looked. She kept showing me the photo and saying 'isnt it bloody awful, why is she wearing that?' and I genuinely couldnt see anything wrong in what she had on. It was a just a standard evening dress. But she kept on and on about it.

She said her next door neighbours new hair cut was awful(it wasnt). She calls people tarts, and slags and bitches. Always women, never men. She fawns over men.

OP posts:
Tenpenny · 27/07/2019 19:39

peekyboo it took me til I was in my thirties to see the pattern.

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 19:40

Yes, I had bitchy friends as a young child and teen.

OP posts:
Tenpenny · 27/07/2019 19:43

Yes Cheese, you could be describing mine. Thankfully you're fully aware and prepared to deal with the comments

wheelywheelynice · 27/07/2019 19:57

How do I deal with this? She knows full well I cant respond in front of people.

Why not?

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 20:08

wheelywheelynice I dont know. I suppose I have this idea in my head that if I give it back to her I'll make a scene and embarss us both and that some people have this idea that all mothers are wondeful etc and I'd be seen as a dreadful person for being rude back.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/07/2019 20:16

She wouldn't have got ID'd! Nobody ever did in your mother's era.

Aussiebean · 27/07/2019 20:20

Maybe ‘ as this is a wedding day, how about we keep our comments positive’

‘If you can’t say anything nice, son say it at all’.

I wouldn’t be able to say anything to my mother. A lifetime of being belittled had that effect on me. I’m NC now but still feel anxiety at the thought of saying anything like this to her.

JennyWoodentop · 27/07/2019 20:22

You don't need to be rude though, you're more likely to show her up as rude

"ouch, get your claws in" and laugh then change the subject

"that was unkind & unhelpful"

allow a pause, "well it would be nice if you could be more supportive/encouraging" then leave, change the subject, start talking to someone else

ignore the comments completely

pretend you haven't heard & ask her to repeat it more loudly - she probably won't as everyone will notice & be horrified

"thanks for your opinion" and change subject, talk to someone else

You really don't need to be rude, a rehearsed response in a calm polite manner or just ignoring her will probably shut things down in the moment. As a long term strategy personally I would be disengaging, reducing contact & not letting her have too much influence on daughters if you have them in case she repeats the same patterns with them.

TixieLix · 27/07/2019 20:35

No need to cause a scene when she makes comments. Just smile and say "Haha, you really need to get your eyes tested mum, you're not seeing clearly again" then turn away and engage with someone else.

Original poster
Cheeseoncrumpets · 27/07/2019 20:48

HollowTalk funny you say that. One time she told me that she had to carry her passport everywhere in case she got ID'd, except that she didnt leave the country until she was 40 and didnt even have a passport until then! So that was a lie!

OP posts:
PennyWishes1 · 27/07/2019 20:56

I think you should ask her in front of everyone 'Did you mean to be so rude?" With a hard stare. Nip this behaviour in the bud.

MiniMum97 · 27/07/2019 21:20

Call her on it. Say something to shit her up but in a slightly jokey way/tone and others are likely to laugh which then won't create a scene but may be enough to stop her doing it once you've done it a few times.

SpringIsSprung1 · 27/07/2019 22:23

I can totally relate to this. My mother constantly criticised my appearance, along with how much she thought I messed up my life.(I was happy and enjoyed a professional nursing career) I cared for her during the last 2 years of her life, 18 months ago. I tended to her every want and need. I began drinking to cope with the tension and stress that came with trying to be the perfect daughter I never was. I haven't recovered really. And I still feel guilty because I wasn't with her when she passed away. My brother was faultless! We used to laugh about him being 'the golden boy'. It always hurt inside though.

MulticolourMophead · 28/07/2019 01:04

She commented because you looked lovely and she couldn't be doing with it. Then she commented again because you were still in the dress and still looking lovely, so even though she couldn't make you take it off - because of the photos - she could make sure she brought you down a peg or two and stop you enjoying yourself too much.
Unfortunately, sometimes the simplest, least welcome explanations are the truth.

My ex was like this. OK, he was a bloke, but it was a real pattern that anytime I felt good, or had compliments, he was making digs to bring me down again. Probably because he wasn't getting attention. Well, he certainly isn't getting attention now, and I'm losing all the weight gain from comfort eating, so I'll have the last laugh eventually, when I get back to being the fabulous person I was when I met him.

OP, how old is your DM? I'm 50, and we certainly weren't getting ID'd back when I was young.

lasttimeround · 28/07/2019 07:10

This is a thing. The narc mum whose wrapped it all around appearance and competes with her daughter.

willowmelangell · 28/07/2019 07:30

@Cheeseoncrumpets, Just an idle thought popped into my head. Did your mum flirt with your boyfriends when you were younger or be super nice to your girl friends so they would say "Wow, cheese, your mum is so cool."
I never had this but have heard of it.