My DM is always belittling and insulting me in front of other people

[Cheeseoncrumpets]

Im going to be a bridesmaid for a family member very soon. The other day we went to try on our dresses for the first time. Everyone said how lovely we all looked, including DM who then suddenly decided to chip in that I needed to hold my stomach in?! I was so taken back that I went to look in the mirror and saw that if anything I looked slimmer as the dress synched me in at the waist! It was a total WTF moment, but it follows a pattern. She will often criticise me or belittle me in front of others, never privately because she knows I wont say anything back in front of other people. It used to upset me but now makes me furiously angry, as I'd never belittle anyone and certainly not my own child!

DM then harshly said ' why are you still wearing that dress Cheese? You can take it off now!' When actually the bride wanted some photos of us all in our dresses and thats why I still had it on!

Sounds ridiculous, but I sometimes wonder if shes jealous of me for some reason? She is very bitchy and unkind about other women in general, and will often say stuff like 'look at the state of her' when we are ever out somewhere. Or 'did you see that photo of so and so on Facebook didnt she look awful'. I feel that she didnt like the fact that the spotlight was on me and not her and that others were saying how nice I looked so had to stick the knife in.

How do I deal with this? She knows full well I cant respond in front of people.

My mom used to do this to me, she still does but I no longer live anywhere near her so it’s lessened.
I remember one particularly bad incident whereby I got so upset when I was 17 I told her to fuck off and didn’t speak to her for weeks. The relationship was so strained my dad took me out for a drive to try and talk me round. She is the reason I have no confidence and hate everything about my appearance.
It was only when my dad died when I was 24 that she started being nice to me. Even now (I’m 31) she is still very cruel towards me but my husband will always interject and she won’t dare say anything to him.
It’s absolutely crushing though.
I remember her saying that she wished I was more like my friends.
When I became a mom, we were talking about the London bombings, that’s where we live, and I said something along the lines of, we can’t stay in the house forever, we have to go to central London and live our lives as normal, her response to me was “well I guess I loved my children more than you do” I was in the depths of PND and I couldn’t even respond. I was chocking on my breath I couldn’t find the words. She is so nasty to me when she wants to be. I never forget all these things she says. She won’t ever change. It’s why I never go to see her.

My mother came to my wedding dress fitting. Said precisely nothing except...can they take it up.
Made no comment on the wedding day as to how I looked. Not a word.

Disappeared with my dd and sisters to go for lunch as I got ready. I dressed entirely alone. No one to help but demanded I put her make up on and do her hair 40 mins before due to leave for church.
Didnt really speak to me the whole day.
This us a snapshot of her attitude throughout life.
I have given up trying to understand or accept any responsibility for her.
My only hope is that I am not as shit a mother to my own girls.

My mother told me a "big secret" once. The "big secret" was that my Dad didn't like being seen with me in public because my legs were "too thin but he won't be honest with you so I'll have to, instead".

I was seven years old at the time.

OP, you have my sympathy. Bet you look fabulous in the dress. Hope you thoroughly enjoy every minute of the wedding.

My mum used to do that to me Singinglily. But it was my brothers and how they were so ashamed about my behaviour.

Once I snapped and rang my brother and told him to speak to me if he had a problem. He has no idea what I was talking about. She made it all up the entire time. Will never forget or forgive that.

Here's to everyone with such a charmer of a mother -

I have never experienced this (my mum died when I was 13) but these sort of comments have been directed at me from so called friends or just acquaintances. I realise though that for some reason I sparked off jealousy in those particular people and there was nothing "wrong" with me, just that they were fucked up with the way they related to other women. See other females as competition and need bringing down. But so much worse that it is mother's doing it to daughters, really horrible.

There are some good comebacks here. If you can't avoid them you need to set some boundaries like you would with other people doing this. Perhaps when one of her comments emerges say something back but begin the sentence with "Mother" (assuming that is not what you would normally call her) - i.e "Mother, no need to be unkind". So that when you say the word mother it becomes quite a formal sentence rather than using mum.

My dad used to be verbally abusive but for different reasons and for a different thread....to you all.

Yes Willow she did all that. In fact she flirts with all men, and seems to thrive off male attention. One memorable (and cringeworthy) incident recently was watching her flirst outrageously with my DB's twentysomething BIL. My DM is in her mid 60's.. I dont think she likes other women at all and other than her sisters has never really had any close female friends. Many aquaintances but no real long lasting friendships with other women.

Yes my friends always thought she was cool and I remember one childhood friend saying she wished her mum was more like mine, but the way she behaved with them was totally different to how she behaved with us IYSWIM?

I dont think she likes other women and see's us all as competition.

willow my childhood friends thought my mum was great too. As I got into my twenties I tried explaining to a couple of friends that actually, she hasnt been that great to me behind closed doors. I always felt like an ungrateful brat when trying to explain my feelings though, no matter my age.
I try to keep her at arms length now but we live very close to each other and my dad is in poor health, so she is with me and dd a lot. I really resent having to consider her when planning days out, even though she has quite an exhausting life with my dad. Wouldn't dare tell another soul that.

The positive thing is how well equipped you become in knowing how not to raise your own daughter

You seem to have a block about answering her when others are around. I think you need to really try to get over this. Do not just take it because she is around.

One of the ways I find, which isn't too confrontational is to bring in others so for instance in your example, I would call over to the bride, "hey bride, mum says my stomach is sticking out, what do you think?" All said in a conversational tone.

Then you are not letting her get away with it but you aren't aggressively confronting her one to one either.

It may shame her but it sounds like she is too far gone. I hope you can think about going LC for your own sanity.

It's tricky because being so used to her behaviour, you're more likely to think, "I wish mum wouldn't say things like that," rather than seeing an overall pattern of controlling or abusive behaviour.

Noticing smaller things like nasty little comments can go on for years before you start to join the dots and realise this person has been difficult to deal with forever and it was only time and better self-esteem - or becoming a parent - that finally made it visible.

OP,

Your mother sounds like a nasty, vicious woman, who brings nothing good to your life.

These type of women don't change.

Believe me when I tell you that other people have clocked how she behaves and can see she's a horrible person.

Think of all the great answers to her nastiness suggested above and choose one and practice it in the mirror, over and over.

Then call her out with it in a calm voice the next time she does.

I would highly recommend that you make no contact with her for an extended time and if she asks why text her that you "don't enjoy her company or her meanness".

You will never get the love and support that you want from her.

She is spoiling these years of your life.

Get away from her and live your best life in peace. Tell those you love of your decision and reasons. They won't be surprised.

Good luck.

Had a similar experience with my DM when I lost weight. Think she didn't want me getting 'too big for my boots'.

Definitely confront. Even in front ofothers. 'did u mean to be so rude?'

Her being worse if you stand up for yourself is classic behaviour. It's designed to make you avoid saying anything, to make it feel like it's your fault if she acts even worse than normal. Also, it's a handy route to you being the bad guy for upsetting her/making her angry and that old favourite, I'm only like this because of you.

how to deal with it - spend as little time with her as possible....is really the only way...

if you do see her at the wedding etc and dont want to actaully say something to her maybe try the 'mmmm change the subject approach'
so she says something mean
you say -gotta go talk to blah blah

she says something mean
you say something like :nice flowers over there
she says something mean
you - say gotta go do something for bride...

or look up grey rock....she is looking to hurt you - so until you've worked out a long term strategy think of it a bit like fencing match

@Tenpenny - you really dont have to involve your mother in things because your DF is ill... you really don't :(

So sad to hear about all these nasty mothers. They are indeed filled with jealousy and insecurities.

Reminds me of a friends MIL, who said her friends thought her DS (my friends DH) was her husband....yeah..because apparently she looked so young.

She also refuses to allow the GC to call her Grandma or Gran...because that's for old women... and if course she out her size 10 jeans back on the day she gave birth.

She said the last one while my friend was still in the hospital after giving birth.

The real truth is she's terribly insecure and like a lot of you have said...she does that stupid flirting with her DCs male friends...trying to be supercool.

You caught her in a lie about the passport eh.

You've been given so many great comeback lines... I do like "Oh mum, you really need to get an eyetest... I'll make the appointment if you want"... then turn away.

I know it's not an excuse, but perhaps she had a bad childhood and is so desperate to take centre stage because she never got attention growing up.

averythinline our lives have been too closely intertwined for years now, I cant back away fully. I literally cant think of reasons not to invite her to certain places with us that I know she enjoys. When I had a partner and a more full life it was different, but being single and quite solitary for a long time she tends to get herself more involved.
There's just so much to these complex relationships

You know what PeekyBoo you are so right about joining the dots and realising she's always been difficult. I only really woke up to the fact that she runs me down in front of others fairly recently, but when I look back now the scales have fallen from my eyes and I realise that she has always been this way.

She's another who likes to tell everyone how she lost all her baby weight and was back in her size 10 jeans within about an hour of giving birth. Usually that one is reserved for pregnant women or women who've recently given birth though. I actually dread to think what she would be like if I ever got married or had kids, no doubt it would be bitchy remarks galore.

Sandy her sister was very much the favoured child growing up. Maybe thats where the insecurity comes from?