I need advice re 15yr old daughter and husband

[Zaza6375]

Hi,
I’m in the middle of a very tricky situation with my husband. Please read my previous post if you can. I have 3 daughters 15,12 & 4 who has additional needs.
In March I woke up to realising how difficult and unhappy my 26yr marriage had been.
I’m in a mess.
My husband and I haven’t really spoken since March. I try very hard to keep things ticking along at home whilst I try to work out how to get out of this.
The younger two girls are doing ok. The middle daughter confided in me that my husband has beaten my dog whilst I was out. He is mean to it and constantly berates her for breathing loudly, walking loudly (claws on wooden floors, the odd sneaky kick and push here and there. I have found out he has been financially controlling me and that we have a huge debt that he now wants to make even higher. Please see prior post. He says he doesn’t love me and that he is lumbered with me.
My 15 yr old daughter hates me at the moment. Her dad has started to buy her affection.
He gives her money whenever she wants it. He has never disciplined any of the girls and just wants a quiet easy life. He says I’m controlling.
Last week I told my daughter that I did not want her hanging around town. My husband immediately went to her defence and did she could that there was nothing wrong with it. He is playing games.
15 yr old DD is extremely materialistic. She is hormonal I’m sure but I just don’t know how to work this.
She has told me that he hasn’t been the best of dads and there’s never been any fun in our lives.
I’m starting to gain financial independence and I’m stating to give my girls fun.
I just don’t know how to deal with her. I’m basically parenting her on my own as I have done from day one. He undermines everything I say to her.
He’s told me before he isn’t cut out for fatherhood...don’t get me started.
She is telling him what I’m up to, my plans..she bitches to him about any subject that she knows will make him happy. Eg moans about my car being small, the dog being old, anything to please him.
I’m so tired of it it’s really getting me down.
Any advice greatly appreciated

First of all remove your dog from the house immediately. Ask a family member to mind the dog until you sort out something. Please do this. Have you talked to a divorce lawyer? Are you or him moving out etc?

@Elle2019 thanks.
Sorry I forgot to add I’m sadly having her put to sleep on Tuesday.
She’s a British bulldog 12 that has cancer of the bladder. She is very poorly and her and I are devoted to each other.
I am taking her with my dad who is as mad about her as I am. Just heartbroken x

Firstly, I am so sorry about your dog. Really feel for you. Secondly, why are you still married? It sounds awful. Separate. You don’t have to live like this!

@rightteous thank you she’s a precious girl.
I’m just so worried about disrupting my 15yr old during her GCSE year. I know wether she fails them it will all be my fault regardless. My youngest daughter has autism and I’m worried about unsettling her.
Also my husband is refusing to leave this house. He says he will most def never leave.
I am miserable.. I’m just going day to day at the mo.
I have a feeling that when I put Peggy to sleep on Tuesday I will come home and he will be very happy and smirking. That will be the catalyst to go.
It’s just my 15yr old I’m really worried about

I remember your previous thread. I am so sorry about your dog. Are you able to not leave her alone with your abuser until the time comes on Tuesday to say goodbye?

My urge wouid be to keep dog and remove the DH (D=dickhead)

You've not been happy for years, he is cruel to animals, the effects are showing on your DC.

You seem to be saying that you cannot end things straightaway. Why is this? And how long will it take for the things you say you're working on to come about?

Teenagers can go through some awful patches. Getting them out of a miserable home environment will be a huge positive step. Otherwise all you can do is remain a rock for her. Don't react when she says she hates you (I've been on receiving end of similar from one of mine, btw, and I know how horrible it is to hear and how hard not the react) but just continue, in normal friendly manner. Don't go overboard with compliments (too transparent) but do make sure you're telling her something positive about herself everyday.

Don't tell her anything you don't want to get back to DH. And if she starts whining to you about things like the car being too small, agree with her and turn the conversation to 'if we had all the money in the world, what car should we have?'

Is the house rental or owned ? Who owns the house ? do you have an income ?

I've never said anything like this before, but it's a shame it's your dog being pts next week , if you get my drift !
Hopefully, your daughter will realise your husband is using her to get to you. I'm sorry you are going through this, but will agree with others, you'd be better off without him.
for you for your beloved dog.

Thank you all. I know it’s ‘only a dog’ but my god I’m going to miss her so much. I’m just sad that o don’t have a husband with me that will be there to support me.
She came into my life during an awful time and 5 miscarriages before I had no 3.
I’m sleeping with her at night at the moment. I’m just gutted...
I’ve booked a cheaply hotel on Tuesday night to take middle daughter to as we are not going to want to be anywhere near him. He will be throwing out her bed, lead etc as soon as we leave the house. I feel so sick.

@Mix56 we have a mortgage.

@AuntieStella thank you so much.
Ok so just don’t react. It’s so draining. I’m not loved by my husband and now my daughter too.
She’s heard the things he has said to me and knows how much it hurts me. Yet she’s angry with me.
I’m just so low this morning...nothing I do is right.
Any advice as to what I should do in this situ? I’m taking the younger two camping for the first time on Wednesday..something I used to do as s kid and loved with my family.
DH has always said he would hate to do it,...blah..blah..
15yr old is saying she doesn’t want to go. It’s got two nights. Do I make her and know she will be really hard work or just leave her at home?
She can’t go anywhere as we are in a village and there’s no where for her to go.
Any help appreciated x thank you

@VictoriaBun HA! Too funny 😂

Op Sorry about your poor dog. I can’t believe you expect your husband to be home smirking about the dog. He sounds vile. You will definitely be better off without him.

As for your dds, keep going with the fun times. Take them out, buy little things, do things with them as this is what keeps the bonds and connections strong. Enjoying times together and having those memories.

When you need to tell your dd something like you don’t want her going into town, explain exactly the reasons why and tell her you’re doing this because you’re on her side, not against her. Ask her why she thinks you’re setting these rules?
She might be stroppy about it but it’s important she knows why and that it’s out of love and always wanting the best for her, not to make her miserable.

Sorry about your dog
I haven't read your other threads but it's clear just from this one that your husband is abusive.
Please get support, talk to Women's Aid, consider getting counselling, tell a supportive friend or family member.
You should also get legal advice - I suggest the free Rights of Women family law helpline. You could ask your local Citizens Advice about options eg local law clinics and solicitors who offer a free initial consultation.
I think your relationship with DD1 can only improve after you end the relationship with your husband.

I would tell your dd that you really would like her to come. Maybe you could negotiate a deal? Is there something you could ‘trade’ for her coming?

if you are joint owners, you can sell the house & recieve 50% of the equity. He can say he won't move, but that is not what the law says.
Also as you are Primary carer I assume ?, there may be a case of you being allocated the house until the kids are adult.
There are things you can do, & first off, is go & see the CAB & get information about your rights & finances.
Unfortunately this may be chaotic for your DD, but remember you have 3 children, all of them are be influenced by this man.

You poor thing, no real advice to offer but handhold and hug, you must need both atm.

So sorry about your dog I hope your life changes for the better soon OP, you can do it.

Wishing you lots of luck for the future.

It's not only a dog, animals cant protect themselves, The dog issue would have been enough to make me leave him, vile arsehole. As for your DD issue, shes 15 and will grow up and not be the same person, you're the parent, do what you know is right, she'll come round, you being blamed for her exams is a non starter for me, if it wasn't exams it would be something else, shes 15 and is playing you both and you're probably the easier/softer target. Shes not mature enough yet to have a say in your life/happiness. I'd leave him/chuck him out, toughen up and make the right decision. She knows what's going on, what hes like. Moving forward, after the initial upset, she'll come round. Imo you need to get tough and let everyone know you're not to be walked over, you deserve respect and happiness, people can only treat you how you allow them to. This is a pep talk, not meaning to sound harsh, take care of yourself, sending you hugs

You ask your 15 year old, if she is sure she wants to stay behind? she will only ruin it if she comes agaisnt he wishes.
Then Go & have a great time.... being left out will be a lesson to her.
Also apart from your abusive manipulative H's influence, alot of 15 year olds are fucking hard to live with (been there) don't dispair

I think you should definitely take the younger 2, it’s quite normal to let a 15 yo decide they don’t want to come.
Your dd sounds easily led by treats from your dh. At the moment at her age this is what she’s interested in. You could spend a day separately with her doing something she would really like (shopping?) when you get back and leave the little ones with dh.
so sorry about your dog.

Oh that is so very sad about your dog, OP. It's like the saddest icing on your very unsatisfactory cake. Your dog is your 'ride or die', your best mate. The loss will be huge. But knowing that your H has been abusing your very ill dog will, I am sure, bring about an anger that hasn't quite hit you yet. I actually wonder if saying goodbye to your dog will give you the fuel and the strength to call time on ALL this bullshit. I sincerely hope it does.
Your daughter will come back to you. I always think of the nursery rhyme line, "Leave them alone and they'll come home." At the risk of sound like the corny Californian I am, I truly believe that love finds its way home. And the love between you and your DD, even if it doesn't feel like it, IS unconditional. Deep down, in a place she doesn't check-into right now, she knows this. She knows your love is there for her, that YOU are there for her. She's been very brainwashed by her dad. This happens. And while the status quo remains fixed- while you remain in that house under the thumb of your H- it will be harder for your DD to mend her relationship with you. I actually believe that when you're out from underneath all of this and living on your own, your relationship with your DD will improve significantly. When she's with her dad, you won't be there to kick around. She will begin to see what a manipulative, angry turd he is. She will also mature and this too will give her more insight into the whole sad situation.

Do you have a diagnosis for your little one's special needs? A diagnosis will entitle you to claim a small amount of disability allowance.

Do you want your 15-year-old DD to come camping with you? Part of me thinks, leave her home and enjoy some peace away from this situation. Another part of me wonders if the camping trip will allow her to open up and talk more.

@Zaza6375 I'm so sorry for you and your poor fur baby 💔🐶 xxx
This sounds like a situation where you need to leave with your 2 younger girls. Your eldest is old enough to decide who she wants to live with and sounds like she's made her choice. Don't feel that you have to keep all the children "together".
Things will get better once you're separated. Sending love and 💐 xxx

"You ask your 15 year old, if she is sure she wants to stay behind? she will only ruin it if she comes agaisnt he wishes."

Please do NOT say this, or anything like it.

My adopted son is in his 20s and still has major triggers around being told 'you ruined a nice day out as usual' and similar.

Just picking up on the gcse point-
Living in the house as things are and as a confused 15yo getting involved in games and an unhealthy dynamic between her parents she is not going to have an 'ideal' preparation for her exams.

This is the main reason you have given why you haven't actually separated already. Deep down I expect you k ow this isn't a valid reason...

I know it is a hard and daunting prospect but for all of your sakes (inc the eldest dd even if she doesn't realise it at the time) please start taking to steps to get out of this marriage.
Hugs for Tuesday

sorry, I agree with you furious , I didn't intend for OP to actually say those words !