I need advice re 15yr old daughter and husband

[Zaza6375]

Hi,
I’m in the middle of a very tricky situation with my husband. Please read my previous post if you can. I have 3 daughters 15,12 & 4 who has additional needs.
In March I woke up to realising how difficult and unhappy my 26yr marriage had been.
I’m in a mess.
My husband and I haven’t really spoken since March. I try very hard to keep things ticking along at home whilst I try to work out how to get out of this.
The younger two girls are doing ok. The middle daughter confided in me that my husband has beaten my dog whilst I was out. He is mean to it and constantly berates her for breathing loudly, walking loudly (claws on wooden floors, the odd sneaky kick and push here and there. I have found out he has been financially controlling me and that we have a huge debt that he now wants to make even higher. Please see prior post. He says he doesn’t love me and that he is lumbered with me.
My 15 yr old daughter hates me at the moment. Her dad has started to buy her affection.
He gives her money whenever she wants it. He has never disciplined any of the girls and just wants a quiet easy life. He says I’m controlling.
Last week I told my daughter that I did not want her hanging around town. My husband immediately went to her defence and did she could that there was nothing wrong with it. He is playing games.
15 yr old DD is extremely materialistic. She is hormonal I’m sure but I just don’t know how to work this.
She has told me that he hasn’t been the best of dads and there’s never been any fun in our lives.
I’m starting to gain financial independence and I’m stating to give my girls fun.
I just don’t know how to deal with her. I’m basically parenting her on my own as I have done from day one. He undermines everything I say to her.
He’s told me before he isn’t cut out for fatherhood...don’t get me started.
She is telling him what I’m up to, my plans..she bitches to him about any subject that she knows will make him happy. Eg moans about my car being small, the dog being old, anything to please him.
I’m so tired of it it’s really getting me down.
Any advice greatly appreciated

So sorry to read your post, OP. My heart goes out to you about your dog. It's not "just" a dog...these pets become our family, don't they?
Afterwards, please get some legal advice and make a plan at least even if you don't feel like leaving now. Good luck, OP.

See a solicitor. Don’t let him know. Get them to help you unravel the house /financial situation.

@KUGA wow 35yrs a lifetime.
I love your sentence ‘ive never looked back’ it’s just about me growing some and just getting on with it. I just wish he would leave but throughout your marriage I’ve had to carry him through so many things.
He is not going to start taking initiative now
@MollyButton I will be getting legal advice I just need to get through Tuesday x

@Davespecifico thank you..it’s going to be a complete mindfield as we have businesses and a huge debt that he wants to increase.
He is literally going to go mad at the thought of parting with the house or any money

So sorry to hear about your ddog. Sending hugs for Tuesday.
Re money - as pp have said, get advice immediately - you can't do this om your own.
Re your DD 15. She may be acting up because she's angry with you for doing nothing about your DH. My reason for thinking this is that my BIL had a huge affair and was awful to my sister. Her son (15 at the time) was furious with her, and was vile to her because she wasn't sticking up for herself (and therefore not sticking up for him) and not kicking her H out.
Maybe your DD feels safer by trying to appease him and be on his side, because being on your side isn't working. (at the moment)
If she's always been a good kid, she will be again.

Is there any way of getting him charged for animal cruelty? I know it's just your daughter's words but I really think this should be followed up

I truly believe you and your children, including your 15 year old are at risk. Unfortunately people who hurt animals also hurt children, and you must ask authorities for help. You are experiencing domestic abuse, notably coercive control where is abuse is about control and derailing your confidence. Many thousands of women find their children similarly caught up in this behaviour - it might feel like she is being awful to you but this is not about you or her, it’s about her abusive father.

PP has summed it up very well - I've had a lot of help from the National Domestic Violence Helpline who specifically cover emotional abuse which is what you are suffering - him abusing the dog might be the leverage you need:
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Ask them about an occupation order - you could get him out of the house. Does he have a job and family he could stay with at a push?

When my last dog died, it was the worst bereavement I have ever experienced so I know it will be a catalyst for you, but let this be your old girl's parting gift to you - the courage the strength and the push to get out by any means possible.

Move out. Live your own life. If she wants to live with him, let her. She'll soon learn what a DisneyDad really means.

I hope you do leave,for you and your health and happiness.
He wont change,but I bet when you do tell him you will see a bit of a change in him.
But it will be short lived
He even had the nerve to phone me 6 months later to tell me he loved me.
My reply to that is not printable.
We bump into each other on occasions,
Family events etc,and strangly,its hard to believe I was ever with him for so long.
My heart goes out to you for Tuesday,i as will many others,will be thinking about you and the girls.

@StaplesCorner you’ve hit the nail on the head. Im doing it for her. It will be her legacy to move on. My beautiful old girl x

Seeing your mother and family pet abused is abuse. Your daughter is being abused in plain sight. She is reacting to her hurt and confusion but you are worried about the dog. I'm sorry your dog is sick but your daughter has her life in front of her, tainted with this. Please rescue her and yourself. Call the police, have him removed, get legal advice, contact women's aid and child protection service. Get out now while you still can.

How awful for you op. I would do as others have advised regarding the dog. Seek a free half hour solicitor apt for advice on your future. He doesn't sound, like he wants to make any changes and does what he pleases...

Today he is really playing the great dad game... teaching the 4yr old roulette. They are laughing together and she’s loving it. I can only guess that this is because he knows what’s happening Tuesday and is trying to be seen as the good dad.
@Thatsalovelycuppatea yep he does what he wants, doesn’t tell me his plans. He tells the kids to tell me what he’s up to.
@YouJustDoYou I hope so, thank you

Just venting after the 15yr old has just shouted st me and back chat me as my ‘husband’ just sits and smirks. Two weeks ago they accused me of joining a cult as I was crazy controlling.
Really low at the mo.
My beautiful dog passed away very peacefully on my lap and I was right, by the time I had got home he had hoovered and cleaned where she slept.
I have just finished a 6 week counselling session that has been great.
Sadly he ‘fell over at golf’ and had broken his ankle in two places this week which means he is at home all of the time.
I’ve just come back to read your messages and as a result I’ve emailed the solicitor.
DD is fine when she’s with me on her own but when he’s in the room she becomes really mouthy and confrontational.
She feels sorry for him.
Any ideas on how I can handle her in the interim.

Hi Zaza. Im so sorry to hear your little dog has passed away.

I'm not really sure what to say about the way your dd is treating you. If it were me I would try to stay calm when she is being horrible towards you, she is confused and your OH is deliberately trying to set her against you with his nasty ways. Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing she is upsetting you. I would just leave the room and ask her in private why she is speaking to you in that way.
Well done for contacting the solicitor. Have you made any progress in getting him out of the house or finding somewhere for you and the girls to live.

I'm tempted to say ignore your DD when she behaves badly and walk away.

Either that or talk to her one o
one about her change in behaviour towards you when her dad is around. She's old enough to know what she's doing is wrong.

Sorry about your dog. Also sorry he broke his ankle and is now under your feet too. He sounds like a cruel man... I hope you get our of this marriage.

I think for now try to ignore and leave the room. Don't react, and avoid being with them when they are together. If she's doing something you disagree with such as as hanging around somewhere you don't think she should, state your feelings about it but refuse to be drawn into a row and leave them to it.

But you need to prioritise getting away from him. Start working out how to leave.

Moving house will not be more disruptive to her than living like this. At least if you are separated, the times she is with you she will be somewhere with proper boundaries and where her school work will be prioritised.

I'd have pulled a Mrs.Tiger Woods and used my nine iron club on that waste of a space of a husband and father already!!!! Your daughter is exhibiting manipulation and opportunism and it isn't pretty. Get out ASAP

Hello all sorry I haven’t replied sooner.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I did call the solicitor.
She’s advised me that I should try and encourage marriage counselling first.
Then mediation to discuss splitting the assets.
I drove him to hospital today to get his cast replaced. This started with a row that I was going to make him late by dropping my middle daughter off.
Ignored that. Quite satisfying not absorbing his stress for once!
Came home and proceeded to try and talk.
He was in total shock. Can’t believe I’m discussing separation. This is despite not talking properly since March, sleeping in separate rooms.
He says that he’s done nothing wrong and can’t believe I’m thinking of destroying our daughters lives.
He says that when he says ‘ I don’t think I do love you, living with you is torture, how the fuck did I get lumbered with you? You’re a ‘Victorian Period girl’, I just want you to behave’
That these things are said in rows and he can’t believe I’m using it against him.
He says that middle daughter has lied that he never touched the dog. I know this is bull as I stood in front of him to protect her and told him to hit me instead. He didn’t.
He says he’s worked hard to provide our beautiful home and will never leave it..but it was me that found it, designed it etc. Never ever given any recognition for anything.
He says I’m controlling, I ruin his life and it’s not normal. I’m a mum I have to try and take control as he never once has in 26 years. Ever.
So my parting words were if you want to save this marriage, if it means so much show me. I said arrange marriage counselling (he immediately said no you book it..there’s me ‘controlling again)
I said I’ll give it until Friday if you book it I will come. He smirked and sniggered as I walked away....
I sent him the number of relate.
And guess what? Not a word said. Let’s see what tomorrow brings but I am done and he needs to wake up.
Sorry for the essay x

Eldest daughter has got into trouble at school today for the first time ever. She’s been spoken to by myself and my mum. Mum is now aware of everything and my daughter totally respects & looks up to her. Husband did also give her a talking too but it went like this..’ my leg really hurts, I’m tired, I’ve had a long day and I’m in pain and this is all I need’
Him, him, him

Jesus he's one total bastard. 'Just wants you to behave'.....what an absolute twat.
Marriage counselling will not work. He is abusive and controlling and gaslighting. Total waste of time.
So pleased you have your Mum on board. Hopefully your daughter will listen to her and change her ways.
It's good to hear you are in angry mode and not taking any of his shite.. Don't let him walk all over you. You really need to get you and the girls away from him.

Hi @Tooner thanks for the reply. As I said to him.. I will never behave and I’m also bring up three strong girls who will also not behave.
Surprisingly he has booked with Relate. My initial reaction is disappointment but I will go and show willing.
I’ve now got to the point where I can see a future..a tiny house with a pink sofa. My three girls will be able to live independent lives as I want to move to a town where mine and their friends are. We are currently very isolated in a village where none of us have friends.
I took your previous advice with regard of how to deal with 15yr old and I am calmer and don’t react.
She knows deep down that I’m totally on her side. She’s currently not talking to him but is spending a lot of time with my mum and is getting her head down and studying. X