I need advice re 15yr old daughter and husband

[Zaza6375]

Hi,
I’m in the middle of a very tricky situation with my husband. Please read my previous post if you can. I have 3 daughters 15,12 & 4 who has additional needs.
In March I woke up to realising how difficult and unhappy my 26yr marriage had been.
I’m in a mess.
My husband and I haven’t really spoken since March. I try very hard to keep things ticking along at home whilst I try to work out how to get out of this.
The younger two girls are doing ok. The middle daughter confided in me that my husband has beaten my dog whilst I was out. He is mean to it and constantly berates her for breathing loudly, walking loudly (claws on wooden floors, the odd sneaky kick and push here and there. I have found out he has been financially controlling me and that we have a huge debt that he now wants to make even higher. Please see prior post. He says he doesn’t love me and that he is lumbered with me.
My 15 yr old daughter hates me at the moment. Her dad has started to buy her affection.
He gives her money whenever she wants it. He has never disciplined any of the girls and just wants a quiet easy life. He says I’m controlling.
Last week I told my daughter that I did not want her hanging around town. My husband immediately went to her defence and did she could that there was nothing wrong with it. He is playing games.
15 yr old DD is extremely materialistic. She is hormonal I’m sure but I just don’t know how to work this.
She has told me that he hasn’t been the best of dads and there’s never been any fun in our lives.
I’m starting to gain financial independence and I’m stating to give my girls fun.
I just don’t know how to deal with her. I’m basically parenting her on my own as I have done from day one. He undermines everything I say to her.
He’s told me before he isn’t cut out for fatherhood...don’t get me started.
She is telling him what I’m up to, my plans..she bitches to him about any subject that she knows will make him happy. Eg moans about my car being small, the dog being old, anything to please him.
I’m so tired of it it’s really getting me down.
Any advice greatly appreciated

Big hugs to you and your precious doggy! It’s awful to loose a beloved pet!
As for your 15yr old, her motivation is money or treats. She wouldn’t be interested in her Dad if he wasn’t spoiling her! Carry on doing what you’re doing re-parenting. One day when she’s out the other side of her selfishness she will realise who was the one looking out for her! Bide your time there! I would advise looking for an affordable home to rent. Set up your own bank account if you haven’t done so already and when you have saved about leave and start divorce proceedings. Ensure all benefits for the children are being paid into your own personal account. Be proactive at getting yourself independent from H or you’ll never leave. Your eldest DD will actually benefit from you leaving as her parenting will be more consistent!

Hi there Zaza6365
My real name is Emma, I am a Dr of Education & Psychology and I have a lot of professional experience working with women in a similar situation to you. I wanted to say firstly how incredibly brave you are to post these questions and thoughts. You are a survivor in this hideous situation and once you get some support you will come through this ok.
I truly believe you and your children, including your 15 year old are at risk. Unfortunately people who hurt animals also hurt children, and you must ask authorities for help. You are experiencing domestic abuse, notably coercive control where is abuse is about control and derailing your confidence. Many thousands of women find their children similarly caught up in this behaviour - it might feel like she is being awful to you but this is not about you or her, it’s about her abusive father.
Please please speak to your local services for help - your local MASH service can advise you, and look for something like the freedom programme (check your children’s centres. I wish you the very best - you are brave and brilliant and deserve your freedom

I'm so sorry about your dog, virtual hugs for Tuesday 💔

Your situation sounds so similar to where I was just 18 months ago - I really feel for you. It's tough, but please know that there is lots of help out there, people who have gone through similar, people who understand.

A friend gave me a book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and it has honestly changed my life. If you can, I recommend you read it.

The other book I think would be really helpful for the situation with your 15-yo is "Co-parenting with a toxic ex" You're still married of course, but from your description I think much of the book will apply to your situation.

What I also found incredibly helpful is the Freedom Programme, it's run by lots of charities nationwide. And no, my husband never laid a finger on me (but did with my 15yo who has special needs) He also earns a 6-figure salary - the popular myths about abusive relationships are simply wrong. It can happen to absolutely anyone.

If I can get out, so can you 💛

So sorry for you and your dog. It’s heartbreaking having the dog put down I had to do the same last year to my 13.5 year staffy. Worst thing ever. Glad you have your dad there with you for it as I had to do mine alone. Thinking of you OP.

The 15 year old is old enough to know what she wants or doesn’t want to a certain extent - can’t you focus on the other 2 and leave to somewhere safe? It sounds very toxic and unhealthy OP you can do better

Your husband appears to be displaying worrying signs regarding the his relationship with your 15yr old. He is giving her money and refusing to discipline her, allowing her to do as she pleases. He is also undermining your relationship with her and belittling you. I would wonder if you would need to dig a little deeper into the exact nature of his relationship with that particular child. In my own experience your situation very much mirrored my own and my worst fears were justified. Personally I would change the locks, inform the police that you have done so and that your husband is no longer welcome. The police can support you with this. I would then have a conversation with your daughter. Best wishes for the husbandless future.

He's kicking a dying dog ?? Report the evil fucker to the police, grow a pair of ovaries and leave. The whole house sounds toxic as hell.

I was in a similar situation he is being controlling in all ways gaslighting and transferring the blame .All I can say is don't do anything rash be delightful and pleasant until you get your ducks in a row and don't forget your long term plan .I didn't get any help from housing association , doctors or police.I did however phone social services who arranged for me to have counselling when he was at work .It took 2 years to get him out , in which time he contributed to the rent (which was not in my best interest as it meant I had no right to make him leave ) until one day he stopped paying towards the rent I guess he was bored of the status quo and was trying to force some sort of emotion from me (I had credit cards ready to go ).When he stopped paying the council helped with the rent even though he was living there . I had one month to get him out or they would do me for fraud .that's what made him leave ,the threat of court, because he didn't want friends and family to ask questions about money and the show he put on to the world .funny thing was the only time I had support from my family was was he started dicking around with the money , until then emotional abuse ,and being a bit angry /happy /cold whatever that was was ok.Keep the faith stay strong and don't let him win you around.Oh and as for your daughter she's not stupid just be patient and kind and keep your cards to yourself.

Id make no big tracks yet , I'd do some research on the mortgage, I think I remember someone telling me that either person moves out for a period of time even though the mortgage contribution is made that the property automatically cedes to the other person. So for the meantime , don't be tricked into moving out. I'd also make sure your identity documents are out of the house at a friend's or family ,because you need these when you see a solicitor and to change bank accounts etc ...

I haven't read all the replies but do not allow that vile scum bag to touch any of your dogs belongings. Take the lead in a bag with you and move her dog bed somewhere you consider safe. Would he go round kicking someone with cancer? I doubt it, the vile pig takes his frustration out on a poor, ill, defenceless dog. If it were me I'd be kicking him see how he fucking likes it! As for your daughter your husband will soon be bored of her once she has served her purpose of what he is doing to you with his twisted mind games your daughter will then soon see just how much of a c**t he is.

.

Please make an appointment to see a solicitor tomorrow.

In a similar situation to you, it was the best thing I ever did, the best money I ever spent.

She told me what I could expect to happen, my financial entitlements and how to start the ball rolling.

It is a tough process and at times it all feels insurmountable, but a year later I was free and in my own little home. Keep your focus on what you want to achieve - a calm, peaceful home for you and your children, freedom to do as you please.

In the meantime, be pleasant and do not tip him off until you have everything in place.

Is there enough equity in the house to secure two new homes?

Are there other assets - pensions, savings?

Do you earn enough to live on? Remember you will also receive the child benefit and may be entitled to tax credits too.

I am sorry about your dog. Protect her until Tuesday and then take her belongings with you.

@Beechviewgrrat advice thank you. It’s so difficult explaining these things to her. All she says is ‘but all my friends do it’
However reading your post I don’t think I answer her correctly by explaining why I don’t want her to do these things.

@Beechview Sorry above was for you x

Thank you @MNHQ for removing that post...I quite possibly could be seen as vile at the moment and that I’m sick in the head.. Believe me when I say I have protected my dog on several occasions and have only just found out the full extent. I have told him to do it it to me instead.
I’m utterly heartbroken..I feel disgust at myself..being called vile really means nothing to someone who has been called far worse I’ve the last few months.
I am frightened of the effect that this is all having on my children. He has told me he will not leave this house ever.
I work most evenings and during the day (I work from home in the garden room as a beautician)
I do not earn enough money to move three kids and myself out.
I’m frightened, I’m humiliated and I’m soooo disappointed that this is not the man I loved, built businesses with, had children with.
After 26 years this is a total head fuck and I still can’t believe that this has happened to us.
I’m really not a vile person...

@hellodarknesst thank you thst is exactly what I need a calm and peaceful home without stress and treading on eggshells

@Inkyfngrs I like your last sentence in particular thank you 😊

@Lia777 he says I’m gaslighting him,, I had no idea that there was such a thing.

@Britishblue99

She’s heard the things he has said to me and knows how much it hurts me. Yet she’s angry with me

Don’t you see that’s her way of coping with the situation you’ve kept her in?

You dealing with it differently.

Both are of you are doing the same thing - keeping him happy to protect yourselves

Please listen to Flossieshebang.

The fat he is prepared to her animal is a massive red flag and indicator of future physical abuse to come. Look at Luke and Ryan Hart story .

Ring women's aid today and MARU on Monday.

Your dd will come around, she is a teenager almost all of them are materialistic, a lot of it comes from watching all these social media "stars" flash the cash everywhere, but money will disposable. When real life hits, it's you that will carry the burden and you that will be there not your utter waste of space husband for your children. You will see what happens to him in the long run. As for short term, there isn't much I can say other than be there for your daughter even when she lashes out, it's a confusing time for her and all the money in the world can't buy unconditional love.

Thank you for your wise and kind words @TheVanguardSix I too think that Tuesday will be the final straw for me.

You need Legal advice!
Women's Aid could be a good starting place. Animal cruelty is a good predictor of future violence towards humans. And the fact he "allowed" at least one of your DD to see it - means he was also warning her what would happen to her if she annoyed him.
He doesn't get to decide he will never leave the house - if necessary a court will decide that. But do report any violence.

As for your DD's GCSEs living somewhere without stress and cruelty is far better preparation that the present circumstances.
Yes she may lash out at you - but that may well be because she knows you love her.

@Vikval You’re right that will be interesting to see what happens to him in the long run.
Years ago I was such a tough bird..it was laughable. Having the girls has softened me and I have very low self esteem.
I would never have put up with this shit years ago.
Also agreed she is growing up in a world doused with social media..she wants to live the dream.
@GreenTulips I hadn’t thought of it like that thank you..very true

Sooooooo sad about your dog.
As for your marriage,there isn't one.
Your being manipulated by him and your daughter.
She willregret it in years to come.
I was in a very similar predicament myself 10/11 years ago.
I just walked away after a 35 year marriage.
Ive never looked back.
My friends said I was brave,my reply was,i want a life,and I have one too.
Also,my chidren whom had there own lives were a little upset at first,but were very supportive.