Cutting off my parents after family abuse

[Mum2Girls90]

Hi mumsnet,
I really need some advice. Some may remember a year ago I posted that my daughter (9 at the time) had disclosed she was being sexually abused by my older brother.
Fast forward a year and he has just been found guilty and convicted of 3 counts of sexual assault with a child under 13.

This has been both a relief and rising conflict as it’s my family.
My parents never threw him out, nor did he receive any punishment from them whatsoever. He continued his daily life living with my parents, whilst me, my partner & 2 daughters have been blamed, removed and punished for taking legal action.

With the run up to court, I could no longer continue watching my mum side with him. She attended court hearings & everyday in the 5 day trial with him. Some days I attended alone if my DP couldn’t get time off work.
We had to support our daughter on our own without my family.
Ever since then, family members have crawled out of the wood work with their opinions of how wrong I am for stopping contact with my parents, as well as refusing them contact with my children.
I have tried to explain my reasoning, all abuse happened at their home, their lack of support, the fact they are harbouring a convicted paedophile. In my eyes, they can’t have the best of both worlds by seeing my children too. My mum has always been overbearing, always step on my toes. I always put it down to her own parenting guilt from not supporting me through hard times at a younger age. However, it has all become too much. People throwing guilt and blame at me left right and centre.

Today, my dad text and again tried to pass the blame that I’m the reason he hasn’t so much as even sent a text! I’m furious.
He told me I’m breaking my mums heart and how dare I stop her from seeing her grandchildren.

This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, I just can’t look at my mum or have a relationship with her after the way she has hugely let us down. She was a very big part of our life which hurts more the way she’s behaved.

Am I wrong to cut contact?
I worry my children will hate me for cutting out their grandparents after this huge battle in our family.
But I don’t know how I’m supposed to continue this life with her in it when she still has him living at home before his sentencing while as a family we are trying to pick up broken pieces and rebuild our lives.

Someone please help ☹️

your family has been through hell.

I wouldn't have contact with them ever again, they've let you and your daughter down massively.

No. You're not wrong to cut contact. They chose to side with a paedophile instead of their innocent granddaughter.
I'm sorry your daughter and you as a family have had to go through this horrendous ordeal. Its every parents worst nightmare.
I wish you all well for the future

This is not really a dilemma. It's pretty black and white. Why are you even giving it a second thought?

Do you want your daughter to feel the same about you as you do your mother? Failing to protect her from people who clearly can't be trusted and won't be bringing (the worst has already happened) anything good to her life?

You are absolutely in the right here OP. This happened under their fucking roof. They then continued to enable him and minimised his behaviour. They do not or will not see that what they have done is abhorrent.

The bottom line is: they cannot keep your children safe.

So fuck em.

Nope, nope, nope. I’m in the same situation except it was me and my DSis. My parents have behaved appallingly and frankly so have lots of other people I would have expected to stand up for what has happened. My mum is the queen of laying on the guilt but that is all over now.

It is just so shocking isn’t it? You read all over here how people will react to child abuse but when it happens in your family all of that goes out the window. People don’t face up to it. They deny, minimise, shame, rationalise. Male the family facing up to the fallout be the bad guys. It makes you crazy. I had to step back from them and face a future alone. In honesty it has been worse than the abuse but you do get on, you can move forward.

You need to ignore the 'flying monkeys'
You are doing absolutely the right thing for you and your family.
I would be exactly the same.
I think the words 'FUCK OFF' should do the trick here.
You need to block them all so they cannot contact you.
It must be hard for them to come to terms with the fact their son is a pedophile but they will have to face it when he goes to prison.
They didn't protect your DC when they were in their care.
They have let you down and not supported you at all while you are all trying to deal with the fallout of what THEIR son did.
Stick with it OP.
They don't deserve anything from you.
And your DC do NOT need to have contact with people who are being sympathetic to a pedophile.
If they can't see that then it's tough shit.

Btw I got to a point where the only contact I made to my parents was via email because I could not listen to their crazy making rationalisations or shaming any longer.

My parents made their choice just as your parents made theirs. Now they are dealing with the consequences just as yours are.

You need to stop explaining, those who understand don’t need it and those who don’t will just invalidate you and drive you crazy with frustration.

What possible good could come from your DC having contact with family members who

1. Don’t believe them
2. Or do believe them and think they should have STFU about it
3. Minimised their abuse
4. Supported their abuser
5. And are so breathtakingly entitled they feel they should still be able to see your DC despite all above

Fuck. That. And fuck them.

Do you have a social worker? Have you looked into Non Molestation orders? I think you should make sure they legally cannot come near you or your DC.

It sounds as though your family have been through every difficult time and you are doing the best you can to support your darling daughter to heal. I completely understand where you are coming from the fact the abuse happened at there home would make me dubious about allowing my children back there as it may drench up feelings for your daughter. I'm wondering If they are still supporting him now he has been convicted? If that is the case I'd be concerned it would impact their relationship with your daughters as they may mention him or inadvertently treat them differently. As I said your daughters healing is the most important thing now not appeasing family members and you are doing the right thing protecting your daughter from anymore potential upset. Dont shy away from having age appropriate conversations with the girls about why you have decided not to let them see their grandparents, stating the fact you were hurt that they took his side and dont think they deserve to spend time with the girls. Please make sure your daughter knows the family drama has nothing to do with her. Victims of sexual abuse already take on so much guilt and shame. Good luck with everything OP

There is no coming back from this for your mother, OP. She has chosen her side and it’s with the paedophile.
She has let you and your DD down massively.
However much she may want to support her son, she ought to accept that he has committed an appalling crime against a vulnerable child - her own granddaughter - and her priority should be the victim, not the perpetrator.
You should cut contact with her completely. She is living in denial, blaming you for bringing this foul crime to light, when she preferred sweeping it under the carpet.
What sort of mother cares more about public shame and what the neighbours will say, than she does about supporting a child victim of sexual assault?

For the flying monkeys just state the facts ' my brother abused my daughter in my parents house - he still lives there and you think contact is appropriate?'

YANBU, you have to keep your child safe

Well done you. You showed your dd that she is loved, you will always support her and that when there is a problem, you will back her 100%.

It’s a pity your parents couldn’t do for you and their grandchildren what you so rightly and loving did for you children.

You were absolutely right and tell your parents to duck off.

Hi all.

Thank you for your responses. They were what I needed to hear. My DP has said it continuously from day one, but when it’s your own family it’s hard going!

@motherofacat yes he still living with them in the family home after his conviction. He is being sentenced in 3 weeks. Judge has said it will be a custodial sentence.

It has been such an awful time, myself and DP are clutching at our relationships with a straw. Like another poster has said, people say what they’ll do if it was them but then when it happens to you everyone just wants to look the other way.
My children are my world, and I will do everything in my power to protect them. But I also want what is best for them which would prevent further harm. I guess I worry that cutting my whole family out would damage them.
I have spoken with both my daughters (and cried lots too) that I’m hurt they didn’t support us and that’s not how families should behave. My eldest was very understanding, I think she’s glad it’s all out in the open. I have told her every time how proud I am of her for telling us, and my job is to keep her safe.
It’s so complex to explain to children.
My youngest (6) still asks to see her uncle and my parents. Even though I told her, I don’t think it’s stuck.

Your parents have shown such a lack of judgement that I would never be able to forgive them. They have made their choice; leave them to it. You didn't have a choice, no matter how hard it was you instinctively did all you could to protect your children. Take care of your children, they are so lucky their parents know what is right.

You are doing the right thing for your Dds. Do not doubt yourself!

I wouldn't want to breath the same air as them. Your parents should not have supported a paedophile. Your dd's will soon get over not seeing their grandparents. I'd block your dad's number at this stage. He has no right to make you feel guilty. He and your mother should be grovelling at your feet for forgiveness, and even then I'd still tell them to fuck right off. Do not engage in conversation with any other family members who support your brother/parents either.

I just can’t look at my mum or have a relationship with her after the way she has hugely let us down.

OP, this sentence expresses your views clearly. I would respond with this, and just this, to anyone trying to guilt you into having a relationship with your mum. Strength and peace to you ant your daughter.

I’m really sorry you’re going through the same thing.
It’s a horrific time & no one seems to know how to help you or what to say.. so they say nothing.
It’s a really lonely time!

I would text back

“You picked your side. Both of you. You stood by a monster who sexually abused your granddaughter. You should be locked up alongside him. And you’ll never see my children again.”

I don’t even know why they’re still able to contact you, tbh!

OP it has been really tough for my children too particularly my middle child. She badly missed her GP after a while but we still know it is for the best. The way I look at it is that it take severe disfunction to take the course of action they took, they same course of action your parents took. After a lot of therapy I have come to realise the dysfunction extended beyond what my Bro had done and onto my parents. It does in your family too. Look at what they are doing. They wanted you and your DD to sweep this all away so they could pretend their life was different than their actual reality. That is dysfunctional behaviour. In my experience it doesn’t change either. My parents live 300m away and would rather hide away and pretend than face up to their real lives.

I work with my children and talk openly about what has happened. I wrote a fairy story for my younger daughter to help her understand about her grandparents being under a spell and not able to behave appropriately. Little by little I worked her up to telling her the full truth and now she has made her peace with it. My children may well choose to have relationships with them at some point in the future but if they do they will do it knowing and understanding what happened.

I said exactly that.
They all made their bed, they can lay in it. Only the guilt then sets in after & doubting my own decisions over what’s right or wrong.
I hadn’t heard from my dad since this all came out, 15 months ago. Today he tried to call, I ignored it. He then text.

It’s the entitlement of it all “I want to know why you’re stopping your mother seeing her grandchildren. She hasn’t done anything wrong nor have I. She has always helped you out with the kids. This is very unfair on her and you’re breaking her heart do you know that.”
I then said some choice words ... and I get “this is why I’ve stayed clear”.

What did he honestly expect? For me to say NOTHING. Sadly, I’m not a person that says nothing. I grew up in an abusive home, I had years of sweeping sh*t under the rug!

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job! Credit to you.
Yes I sat my youngest down and spoke about why they don’t see her uncle anymore. The innocence “when he’s good and makes good choices again can we see him”.
It breaks me everyday. That my own family could do this to us!

Believe me, I worked out my family a long time ago. I’m studying as a psychotherapy student and through self awareness became aware of what a dysfunctional family I grew up in. However, I could heal from that and deal with it. Then this. It’s like a nightmare:
But like you say, dysfunctional doesn’t change. It sticks to everything and I won’t be like my mum.
As a survivor of sexual violence myself at the age of 14, I understand my daughter and the battles that will come with it.
My mum was sh*t at supporting me through that too!

You can hold your head high that you are doing the right thing by your daughter. She was the victim and she is what matters most.

It is natural that you are feeling pain over what has happened and you all having to lose your parents over it. I read it can take two years for the ‘grief’ of family estrangement to lessen. I’m 18 months in and going back to counselling as I’m still struggling to accept how my family member hurt me. If you are on Facebook, there is a group called Necessary Family Estrangement, it was started by the columnist Sali Hughes. There have been a few stories similar to yours and you will receive support there.