Cutting off my parents after family abuse

[Mum2Girls90]

Hi mumsnet,
I really need some advice. Some may remember a year ago I posted that my daughter (9 at the time) had disclosed she was being sexually abused by my older brother.
Fast forward a year and he has just been found guilty and convicted of 3 counts of sexual assault with a child under 13.

This has been both a relief and rising conflict as it’s my family.
My parents never threw him out, nor did he receive any punishment from them whatsoever. He continued his daily life living with my parents, whilst me, my partner & 2 daughters have been blamed, removed and punished for taking legal action.

With the run up to court, I could no longer continue watching my mum side with him. She attended court hearings & everyday in the 5 day trial with him. Some days I attended alone if my DP couldn’t get time off work.
We had to support our daughter on our own without my family.
Ever since then, family members have crawled out of the wood work with their opinions of how wrong I am for stopping contact with my parents, as well as refusing them contact with my children.
I have tried to explain my reasoning, all abuse happened at their home, their lack of support, the fact they are harbouring a convicted paedophile. In my eyes, they can’t have the best of both worlds by seeing my children too. My mum has always been overbearing, always step on my toes. I always put it down to her own parenting guilt from not supporting me through hard times at a younger age. However, it has all become too much. People throwing guilt and blame at me left right and centre.

Today, my dad text and again tried to pass the blame that I’m the reason he hasn’t so much as even sent a text! I’m furious.
He told me I’m breaking my mums heart and how dare I stop her from seeing her grandchildren.

This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, I just can’t look at my mum or have a relationship with her after the way she has hugely let us down. She was a very big part of our life which hurts more the way she’s behaved.

Am I wrong to cut contact?
I worry my children will hate me for cutting out their grandparents after this huge battle in our family.
But I don’t know how I’m supposed to continue this life with her in it when she still has him living at home before his sentencing while as a family we are trying to pick up broken pieces and rebuild our lives.

Someone please help ☹️

You are doing the right thing OP but families that create people like your brother are great at making you doubt yourself.

It's all part of the same fucked up dynamic.

They can't handle you calling out what has happened (& their own part in it) so they blame you and your DD for it all coming out.

I completely understand the mixed emotions, worrying that you're potentially depriving the children of a relationship with their grandparents. But you're not doing that, they made that decision themselves when they sided with your brother over your DD.

Your DD doesn't need these people in her life. Asking her to continue to have a relationship with them would be incredibly confusing and damaging to her.

Stay strong

The only person who matters in all of this right now, is your DD. I was in her position as a tweenager several decades ago. My parents refused to believe me and punished me for lying for years until they could no longer ignore the truth. They then apologised to the perpetrator 'on my behalf' for causing trouble with his wife (she walked in on the abuse), told me this was all part of growing up and never to tell anyone, then carried on inviting this person into their home on a daily basis as a close friend until I left home as soon as I could.

I will never forgive my parents and barely have a relationship with them; there may be an email now and again when a birthday is coming round, and my DH will take the kids to see them once a month.

You simply cannot support both sides right now, you've chosen quite rightly to support your DD and that's that. She needs to know none of this was her fault and that her parents absolutely have her back. If she decides later that she would like to see them, and the house is a safe place by then, that's a different story but still doesn't mean that you have to pretend none of this happened. It just means you'd be moving forward with a different kind of relationship.

I'm so sorry this has happened and I hope things improve soon for you.

Oh, OP. You have done brilliantly well in looking after your daughter, and keeping her safe, since you found out what your brother had done.

Your parents have no right to even breathe the same air as your little girl, let alone see or talk to her. They've shown you who they are: they are people who would rather support a paedophile so that the neighbours don't gossip than look after a defenceless child. Remember this.

You are not tainted by association: you have done all you can to protect your child and keep her safe. And now you have to start keeping yourself safe, by cutting your parents off and not letting them abuse, upset and worry you any more.

You're brilliant, you really are.

You have absolutely done the right thing cutting all contact with your family and protecting your children from them. Never doubt yourself, and anyone daring to question or criticise your decision to do so should be viewed with the utmost suspicion.

I would not even reply. They will have known they were picking a side when they stood by their son. They will have understood the risks. They made the choice. Being non contact with you was their decision. How on earth could you be family with them now?

You need to prioritise your own family and stay no contact with your parents.....no good will come of it....hopefully your brother will go to prison and i bet he will return to your parents when he gets out and your mother will welcome him with open arms. Your family need time to heal together. Your parents are totally in denial and disgusting to have put you in this position.

What a horrible and sad situation
I would cut contact too

What an amazing and strong mother you are. You are just what your daughter will need for the rest of her life in dealing with this. You are amazing op good luck to you !

Cut all contact. Change phone number.

There will be a period of guilt, because you sound normal/have empathy. They will feel nothing.

Keep your daughter as the focus. Contact cannot be kept.

You are amazing. Truly amazing to believe your daughter and see this to trial

Wtf gives them the right to get in touch. They chose to support your brother.

No you are protecting your child like any good parent. Your mother picked her side when she sided with the abuser of her grand daughter. Your children are better off without her.

Jesus OP, that's very hard to read, not to mind live.

I can't imagine how hard this has been on your husband and yourself.

You have absolutely done the right thing.

Your parents are just awful.

They didn't support you.
Your mother didn't support you at 14.

They are not a positive influence in your life.

Whilst your correct decision making may be difficult for the girls to understand fully today, they definitely will in the future.

Just as you know your mother did not support you, when you were 14.

You both sound like wonderful parents doing their very best amidst horrific circumstances.

Don't listen to anyone else.

To anyone questioning your decision, as it was said in another post" their lack of support of their granddaughter has caused this"

Wishing you strength OP🙏

Thank you all for replies.
However painful, I can see no contact is for the best.
It’s like a living nightmare that you one day hope you’ll wake from. One day you have it all, then your family is gone and you’re to blame for it all 🤷🏻‍♀️.

It’s a tough road, I try to not let it make me a bitter person but when it’s your baby you’ll go to hell and back to protect then. Just wish my parents could have done the same.

Xx

I totally understand where your coming. My mother took my abuser's side when I revealed that he had been hurting me from the age of 4. Even now 14 years ago she maintains that I am attention-seeking despite the catastrophic mental health condition that they both inflicted on me.

I have no contact with her now because I know she will always take his side. I am so sorry that this has happened with to your family.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, it must be so difficult as you always expect your family to be by your side and support you. Your family have not done so and I think you’re doing the right thing. Zero contact with them is the best way forward for you, your dh and your kids.

I have nothing more to add except my support. You are absolutely doing all the right things. I'm sure your partner starting counselling of his own will help with your relationship issues too. It's not surprising that the enormous stress has taken its toll. Maybe further down the line (once you have each made progress in individual therapy) you could consider couple's or even family therapy to help you heal and move forward as a couple and family.

I am so sorry that this has happened to your daughter. I agree with everyone here obviously, cutting contact was absolutely the right thing to do. How dare they try to put any guilt on you after what you have all been through and how they have acted.

I hope that you all get through this awful situation.

It would be a cold day in hell before any of them saw me or DD again. OP, you are doing your best for your DD - going NC is the only thing you can do.

Anyone who thinks your parents should have access to DD can also be ignored forever. These people don’t matter; you and family do.

It’s like a living nightmare that you one day hope you’ll wake from. One day you have it all, then your family is gone and you’re to blame for it all

You are NOT to blame for any of this. You aren't to blame for the abuse your brother carried out; you are not to blame for your parents supporting him, instead of you and your family; you are to be celebrated for taking proper steps to protect your vulnerable child. What you're doing is brilliant. Hold your head high. Be proud of yourself.

I bumped in to my mum out shopping today. She looked as though she hadn’t slept in days. However, she never tried to initiate any conversation, I just looked on and carried on shopping.
My heart broke though.
It’s like I can’t switch it off. ☹️

I can only imagine how deeply painful that is for you.

Remember how vulnerable and confused you were at 14 when she CHOSE not to support and protect you.

You have CHOSEN to protect your child.
You are a fine mother.

Your mother has chosen her path and has to accept the consequences.

I know life can throw complicated challenges at us all and sometimes we are not the best versions of ourselves.

BUT to not protect and support your child in theses circumstances is utterly unforgiveable.

I haven't any sympathy for her.

Mind yourself.

@billy1966 I know I know.
When the guilt passes I remember that and all the reasons why I’ve made this choice.
It’s still so very difficult.

OP, I've lurked on your other thread and this one too.
Please try not to feel guilty as you didn't choose any of this. Neither did your dd.
Sadly, other people in your family did - your brother for what he did , and your mother for minimising it.
I can't even try to imagine how painful that must be for you.
But, I do know you have done the right thing.
The only thing you can hope for is that other people in your family eventually realise what they have done. I suspect that they won't, though, because that will involve them recognising their own part in it.
You have been very courageous, and as a mother myself, I respect you immensely for what you have done to protect your daughter.

Print off all these remarks and post it to them. then block. You are 100% in the right here - hope things get better for you very soon

It is still early days but NC gets easier with time.

Eventually NC will be the new normal and it will hurt less each time.

Sorry to say it is a long process, but a worthwhile one.

The innocence “when he’s good and makes good choices again can we see him”.
Tell your daughter that sometimes what people (usually grown ups) do is so very bad that they cannot be forgiven, and that means we just can't have them in our lives any more.

As for your parents I'd block them and go NC with them. You have more than enough experience with them from your childhood - and now this awful experience your daughter has had with someone who she should have been able to trust - to know you are doing the right thing by your children.

You don't need people like this, nor their apologists in your lives.

Strength to you and your little family OP. 🌹