Cutting off my parents after family abuse

[Mum2Girls90]

Hi mumsnet,
I really need some advice. Some may remember a year ago I posted that my daughter (9 at the time) had disclosed she was being sexually abused by my older brother.
Fast forward a year and he has just been found guilty and convicted of 3 counts of sexual assault with a child under 13.

This has been both a relief and rising conflict as it’s my family.
My parents never threw him out, nor did he receive any punishment from them whatsoever. He continued his daily life living with my parents, whilst me, my partner & 2 daughters have been blamed, removed and punished for taking legal action.

With the run up to court, I could no longer continue watching my mum side with him. She attended court hearings & everyday in the 5 day trial with him. Some days I attended alone if my DP couldn’t get time off work.
We had to support our daughter on our own without my family.
Ever since then, family members have crawled out of the wood work with their opinions of how wrong I am for stopping contact with my parents, as well as refusing them contact with my children.
I have tried to explain my reasoning, all abuse happened at their home, their lack of support, the fact they are harbouring a convicted paedophile. In my eyes, they can’t have the best of both worlds by seeing my children too. My mum has always been overbearing, always step on my toes. I always put it down to her own parenting guilt from not supporting me through hard times at a younger age. However, it has all become too much. People throwing guilt and blame at me left right and centre.

Today, my dad text and again tried to pass the blame that I’m the reason he hasn’t so much as even sent a text! I’m furious.
He told me I’m breaking my mums heart and how dare I stop her from seeing her grandchildren.

This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, I just can’t look at my mum or have a relationship with her after the way she has hugely let us down. She was a very big part of our life which hurts more the way she’s behaved.

Am I wrong to cut contact?
I worry my children will hate me for cutting out their grandparents after this huge battle in our family.
But I don’t know how I’m supposed to continue this life with her in it when she still has him living at home before his sentencing while as a family we are trying to pick up broken pieces and rebuild our lives.

Someone please help ☹️

I grew up in an abusive home, I had years of sweeping sht under the rug*

And there you have it Mum.

The thing is with that level of dysfunction you are fully primed to overfeel guilt. They have been working on you for years. That is why you are so torn. I was exactly the same. Your Dad’s attempt at shaming you today is purely about control. Making you behave in accordance with his utterly shit values by shaming you. Again I’ve been there, my Dad tried to convince a mediator that my wanting justice was a personality flaw I’d had all my life. Thankfully the mediator say right through him and cut him off.

You are correct .i would cut contact.

I don't understand this. Did they expect you to keep quiet about the abuse your DD suffered?

Do they not believe it?

I wouldn't even grace your dad with a response. I'd block the lot of them. How dare they?

Anybody supporting an abuser like that would pretty much be dead to me.

Well I hadn’t heard from my dad since it all came out so that kind of speaks volume.
I actually think they did expect me to do and say nothing. 3 days after it came out we had already reported to the police. My mum text and said we needed to “reconnect as a family”.

My mum said she believed my daughter, but then her actions have said otherwise.
Her son or not. I would have remained completely out of the middle and removed him from the home. But the opposite happened.
We were removed instead from the family,

You have done the right thing and when your daughters are older they will fully understand and thank you for the support you have shown them

Can you get support for you? I know the local sexual abuse support centre has groups for parents.

I’m already receiving counselling via Sericc.
They are amazing. I’m delving in to the abuse of my daughter, how this has triggered my own childhood trauma, my childhood and my failing relationship.

Hard to keep it all together after this.

Mum you are doing amazing. You know at this stage that there are good days and bad. Today with your father being an absolute dick was a bad day. Full on triggering. Bringing back up the worst of what has happened but there are more good days ahead, the bad days drop down. My counsellor keeps reminding me that I’ll be rattling around my care home in years to come still thinking this whole situation was shit but he always says I’ll have had many multiples of good days to look back on instead of just being caught in the whirlpool if it all.

I think if you’d continued a relationship with them it would have been communicating to your DD that it’s ok to support her uncle and give very mixed messages about right and wrong.
Your mum and dad made their decision; they could have made a stronger show that you and your Dd were their priority and have minimal contact with your brother. It’s you that needs their support and not him.

Judge has said it will be a custodial sentence

I do hope so, OP - I remember your previous thread well, and have my fingers crossed that the sentence won't be suspended after the inevitable character references your "parents" will drum up

Now the hideous crime's out in the open there's every chance the local media will pick up the story, which could bring a lot of criticism from their community. So I wonder if they're trying to get you back onside to bolster their "decent family" image rather than through any better motive?

Anyway it hardly matters; you've done the only thing you could and you've done it the right way ... and at least your lovely girl will grow up knowing she has the proper support you never enjoyed

She hasn’t done anything wrong nor have I
'Haha - the fact you can even make that statement shows me that I am doing exactly the right thing in protecting MY DC from such immoral, hypocritical human beings'

I literally have no idea what this must do to a marriage, but please try to be kind to each other.
Talk about things. Talk about feelings. Lean on each other as much as you can.
You need each other more than ever now.
I still want to reach through this screen and give you all a huge ((((((HUG))))))

Our relationship is a whole different kind of ballgame.
It has crushed us both as people.
I deal with it better than he does, because I have to I guess.
We’re both stuck in anger, resentment and constant bickering.
Communication is hard when he won’t admit he’s struggling but luckily he starts his own counselling next week!

I really hope it’s not a suspended sentence either. The Judge did comment on his “odd character” and wanted to delve into his upbringing.. good luck 👍🏼

As of yet, nothing has been reported but my counsellor thinks once sentencing has taken place it will come out.
People who are close to me know and have told me to avoid reading any comments should anything be posted. X

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your parents are absolutely disgusting given what you and your poor DD have been through. You are absolutely right to cut contact for the protection of all of you and so that you can start to heal as a family unit. Could you really trust your parents not to say anything to your DD? Could you trust them not suddenly invite your brother over when you're there? Be reassured that you are doing the right thing. I've cut contact with DHs cousin and aunt as they have acted appalling regarding an incident of elder abuse in the family. I have a DD and I will not have her in contact with anyone who protects can abuser.

Oh god Mum that sounds so tough. It must be so difficult when it is your child. DH and I have been lucky (hahaha fecking haha, you know what I mean) in that regard because it is me and not one of our children we have always been on the same page, although he hates my parents now and before he loved them. I still love them but just want nothing to do with them.

Hopefully counselling will help your DH, you could both do with some respite from the upheaval. There is certainly no winners in an abusive family but it is your reality and it just has to be faced up to. I didn’t for years and it ate away at me slowly. Honestly you have no idea that you are saving your DD from that.

As of yet, nothing has been reported but my counsellor thinks once sentencing has taken place it will come out

Which is exactly why I wondered if they're hoping to play "happy families" to distract attention from their hideous behaviour ...

More than likely

It sure does eat away at you @Lazydaisies
It’s hard to not step in to patterns that come naturally. DP despises everything about my family now, somehow I carry some responsibility for it, that they’re my family and I somehow must be tarnished with the same brush.
Counselling is so very crucial after this x

Op, you and your husband should sit down and write a letter detailing your absolute anger and unbelievable hurt at the way they have behaved. Make sure to tell them that they firstly failed to protect your daughter from a sexual predator under their own roof. Then despite admitting that they believed your daughter, they supported, protected and enabled the paedophile who had violated their own granddaughter! In doing so they deeply betrayed you and mostly you very vulnerable little girl! Tell them the pain of knowing that your baby, your innocent little girl, had been violated, sexually abused/ assaulted and that the people who should have been there to support you both, chose to protect the man who violated your baby!

Let them know that choosing the abuser of your little girl, makes them just as guilty as he is. The betrayal of their granddaughter is beyond cruel and as a result they will never, ever, ever have anything to do with your babies again. They made their choice when they sat at the side of the evil paedophile who has torn your worlds apart, and publicly supported him as he was found guilty of abusing your baby in court.

They have failed to protect your baby, they have cruelly betrayed her and that makes them incredibly dangerous!

Block them on everything, make sure to include in your letter that if they turn up at your home or continue to harass you through others/ by phone then you will call the police.

I am so sorry that your beautiful baby has gone through what she has! I can’t even imagine the mix of the emotions that you are both going through! You are NOT to blame OP. You have done everything to show your baby that you believe her and you have protected her from the toxic dynamic your parents have created! I hope that your husband is able to get support through counselling, I know he may struggle with anger at you, but you are not to blame, your brother and your parents are the ones to be angry with.

DP despises everything about my family now, somehow I carry some responsibility for it, that they’re my family and I somehow must be tarnished with the same brush.

I guess that is probably a common deep seated rationalisation in these circumstances as untrue and unfair as it is, but that is precisely the sort of thinking a good counsellor will be able to challenge and reframe.

If they are that bothered, they can apply through the courts for visitations as grandparents.

I can guarantee you they won't be allowed unsupervised contact though if they sided and supported the abuser. Everything would be dragged up and they'd be put in their place.

I'd continue to cut contact, they sound like poison. I'm so sorry your family are going through this.

Your children should be proud to have such a loving and protective mum.

You did the right thing. Do not allow their guilt effect your reality. My perents have not seen any of my children though sexual abuse. Sad for all involved

I remember your original thread. Sorry to read that your parents have not stepped at all. I guess they will continue to deny or excuse his guilt.

Well done for supporting your children!!

We have been through something similar. My father and my young daughter. It got to court and he was found not guilty, the police believe because he had so much support from family members, mostly my sister.

I fully understand how painful it is and how all consuming. Please forget them and move forward with your beautiful family.

Oh op

I just wanted to say I'm in awe of you and your strength. I can't begin to imagine how awful this is for you.

But fuck that. I would block your parents. They chose to side with the abuser of your child. They have no fucking rights to see her. Sorry I'm livid on your behalf. Don't feel guilty one little bit. You are protecting your children and doing an amazing job.

Are you allowed to make a victims impact statement? Sorry I don't know all the processes but they have to know the damage he has done. It might have an impact on the sentence.

I hope the counselling helps. Glad your dh is also getting some. Take care