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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset over parents' money

66 replies

flowergirl78 · 26/07/2019 09:56

My mum is terminally ill and now requires more care than we can provide so spent yesterday researching social care packages amongst other things. The SW I spoke to told me if they have over £20000 in savings they have to self fund. Didn't think that they would have this much but asked my dad later only to find out they have at least 150k in the bank (plus own home worth about 150k).

I have always assumed they had very little. My dad had a fairly low paid job, mum was a housewife, car is 25 year old banger, never spend any money on anything, which is obviously how they have accumulated so much.

I spoke to my sister and she is in shock too. She is in a difficult financial and personal situation herself and has been stuck in a home she hates because she can't afford to move. About 6 months ago she broke down in tears to him and asked if he could lend her 10k for her to buy a house she'd seen and said that she would set up a contract and repayment plan and pay him back £300 a month. He acted like she had asked for a million pounds and said he didn't think you should lend money to family as it causes problems. This really upset her as there's no way she wouldn't pay it back but she assumed it was too large a sum for him so dropped it. I just can't get my head around this if I saw my child struggling and I had 150k sat doing nothing I would give it to them in a second.

Also, 15 years ago my grandma (dad's mum) died and left everything to me and my sister. She didn't own a home so this was about 25k. I thought it was mean of her not to give it to my dad when he has no money (maybe she knew he did). So we said we wanted him to have it and he accepted. I am now so mad that I did this.

Mum has been deteriorating for the last year and has needed several house adaptations and they really need an adapted bathroom as she can no longer get in the shower.He has been adamant that he cant afford it so I priced it up to see.if I could purchase it but it was out of my reach but been applying for grants and ringing the council all the time for advice. I also purchased wheelchairs, Zimmer frame, crutches, handrails etc. An hour before I found this all out I had decided once they get a carer in I will pay for a weekly cleaner for them and pretend that the council are paying for it.

I am so, so angry about his tight-arsedness and all the stress and worry he has put me through, not just over the last year but always worrying if they have enough to put the heating on every winter etc.

Both me and my sister haven't had a penny off them since 18 apart from birthday and xmas. We always get £50 at xmas and if they ever give it as a cheque I don't cash it as too worried about them going without.
I'm also so upset he wouldn't lend money to my sister when he knows what a bad situation she is in.

He's in his 70s and don't know what he is planning to do with all this money but surely the 'rainy day' time is now.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/07/2019 10:05

You went against your grandma's wishes.
That wasn't wise but you know that now.
I can see why you would be angry about this.
Unfortunately it is their money and there is not much you can do about it.
I would be asking for your Grandma's money back though, now you know the situation.
My dad is so generous and GIVES me money quite regularly.
He knows he can't take it with him and wants to see us enjoy it while he's still alive.
I'm 50 by the way.
I can't imagine watching my child struggle if I had money and she needed it.
So sorry you have found this out about your parents.

Supersimpkin · 26/07/2019 10:09

Awful. Don't pay for anything ever again and tell your sister.

Ask for Granma's money back, with interest.

Original poster
flowergirl78 · 26/07/2019 10:11

My DP said I should ask for grandma's money back too. My sister is going to ask if one of the accounts that he has is grandma's money and see if he has any look of shame. But I am not going to ask for it back.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/07/2019 10:12

Well tell your dad SS won't be paying for your mum's care, as they have over 20k.

Your Gran gave the money to you and your sister for a reason. You should never have given it all to him.

There's usually a very good reason why a parent doesn't leave money to their child in a will.

Original poster
flowergirl78 · 26/07/2019 10:17

He knows that he will have to pay for the care but is at the point where he doesn't have a choice but it will be interesting to see his reaction when they give him the prices. I think they need a carer in twice a day but if he asks for less I will really challenge him on it.

OP posts:
violetbunny · 26/07/2019 10:20

I get why you're upset about your grandmas money. But as for the rest - he is 70. He presumably isn't working and might reasonably live another 20 years. It's a long time, anything could happen. Pension entitlements could change. If I were in his shoes, I would also be cautious about spending it because once it's gone, it's gone.

IggyAce · 26/07/2019 10:21

That’s awful and I can sympathise, much smaller scale but our washer broke the other week so asked my dps for £200 to buy a new one. Was told they had no money because they have booked a cruise for next year fair enough. Then a few days later told me that they were getting the internal doors replaced and had paid a joiner a deposit. I now know where their priorities lie and won’t bother asking for help again.

HeckyPeck · 26/07/2019 10:23

Sorry OP. What an awful situation.

It must be horrible knowing your dad was happy to take your money for things knowing he had so much money in the bank. And not to help his own child is incredibly selfish.

He will have to pay for his own downstairs shower as it’s very unlikely that he’d get any grants from anywhere with so much in savings.

Have you told him how hurt you and your sister feel?

INeedAFlerken · 26/07/2019 10:26

I would ask for your grandmother's money back , too ... but make sure you can document it was 'your' money so the transfer isn't questioned by the council at this point if care costs are needed.

Your parents sound selfish. I think I know why your grandmother left you and your sister the money ... she clearly knew what they were like.

user1493413286 · 26/07/2019 10:28

That’s really sad; he shouldn’t have accepted that money from you and it’s very mean of him not to use the money they have to make your mums life easier.

Original poster
flowergirl78 · 26/07/2019 10:30

@violetbunny He isn't working but has a good private pension (found this out yesterday) and what they get weekly far, far exceeds what they spend. They literally buy nothing apart from food and have always been like this. I'm not saying he should give it away but LENDING my sister 10k and spending 3k on a bathroom for mum would have been the right thing to do.

OP posts:
averythinline · 26/07/2019 10:38

I can see why your upset - and I think both you and your sister shoudl ask for your grandmas money back - it is not fair to her to do that herself if you both decided to give it to him...(which you now know is a mistake)

I woudl be really upset if I ws you as know that naggy worry feeling re elders being ok, having enough etc..and would definitely make me look at my parents in a different light - as this is your mum as well that has been part of this deception.....

now I would focus on my relationship with my sister...

where possible make sure your mum gets her needs met by being her advocate with social services/care - however you can only do that you cant make him/them change....this is equally your mums responsibility :(

if she is terminally ill then she maybe entitled to continuing care assessment which should cover her nursing needs but they will need to sort out care needs -

TheStuffedPenguin · 26/07/2019 10:41

I was going to say that he is of that generation that want to leave money to their family but then I read your bit about him accepting the money you were left ! It's very strange behaviour for sure . Is your Mum not entitled to any grants for adaptation , carer /attendants allowance etc ? If so and he is not using it well...Shock

Original poster
flowergirl78 · 26/07/2019 10:54

@TheStuffedPenguin he gets carers allowance and I have recently applied for attendance allowance for her, didn't know about it until recently so that will be an additional £85 a week (I think).

I have no idea how much a carer will cost. Does anyone have experience of this?

@averythinline if she is terminally ill then she maybe entitled to continuing care assessment which should cover her nursing needs

What do you mean by nursing needs? She has a brain tumour which is terminal. She can't get out of bed alone, , can't walk, she is doubly incontinent and needs nappies.

OP posts:
ElinoristhenewEnid · 26/07/2019 10:58

If you are assessed as needing continuing care then this is free for the terminally ill person

Sunburntnoseandears · 26/07/2019 10:58

Give them the receipts for every damm thing you have ever bought to make their lives easier. They give zero fucks about yours.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 26/07/2019 11:00

And you should get atrendance allowance immediately with no waiting period under the special rules for the terminally ill.

floribunda18 · 26/07/2019 11:00

Health care is free on the NHS, they won't have to pay for a home. It's dementia where there is a grey area as it falls into social care. Do you have a local hospice? Put him in touch with them, they were the most helpful people around when my dad was very ill (and therefore entitled to free health care).

MothralovesGojira · 26/07/2019 11:00

My god, I'm so angry on your behalf as my dad was exactly the same.

My dad was always pleading poverty and saying that he had no money and couldn't afford to fully retire. Before he married my stepmother, he didn't even send birthday/christmas cards as he couldn't afford it despite working FT in a skilled well paid job and having a tiny mortgage and 3-4 holidays a year. After he inherited a fairly large amount on the death of his father (who was the most caring, gentle, generous man who couldn't understand where his son's meanness came from & said so! ) he paid off all his mortgage and got somewhere bigger but was still poor apparently.
My dad watched me struggle to set myself & my DS back on our feet after I left my abusive marriage.
He watched me scrimp to get together a deposit for a new home and furnish it.
He saw me crying over how hard it all was but did he help? No. His answer was that perhaps I should go back and make the best of it (I didn't and managed eventually but it took longer).
When he got divorced from my mother he promised in return for her signing over everything to him that when the FMH was sold 25% of the profit would be given to me (only about 10k). He kept it.

When he died we found nearly £100,000 in cash and easy access investments in his house. His estate came to over half a million pounds. He left it all to my stepmother as they had done mirror wills. What has happened since is a thread all of its own.

You are entitled to feel angry and hard done by. I suspect that your grandma knew he had money and his attitude which is why she left her estate to you and your sister. I did not understand what my dad thought he would gain with his attitude other than his accumulated wealth - it didn't help in the end because he became ill with a terminal illness the week he retired and died 14 months afterwards.

He still wouldn't buy himself a fucking wheelchair to make our lives easier in his last 14 months because he didn't have any money (!) - we had to beg for one from a charity. You can imagine our faces when we found thousands in cash in his safe after he died!

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 26/07/2019 11:02

OP I am Angry On your behalf

Bill them for everything
Ask for your inheritance back

floribunda18 · 26/07/2019 11:02

Yes - fast track attendance allowance and fast track nursing home application for the terminally ill.

AllFourOfThem · 26/07/2019 11:06

Accepting the money that was left to you was unacceptable but the rest really is now some people are with money.

Remember that at around £2000 per week for a care home, he has about six years saved up which is only three years for each of them. That’s actually not very much at all.

leghairdontcare · 26/07/2019 11:14

I really feel for you OP. My parents are similar age but thankfully in good health so far. My dad is a right miser though. They desperately need a new kitchen (current one is currently 30 years old, oven doesn't really work) but he keeps saying they can't afford it. They're not open about finances at all, not even with each other, and I'm sure it'll get to a point, like you, where we discover they have more than enough to pay for it. It's awful to think that he's more concerned about lining the pockets of his shroud than making sure his wife is well cared for.

If I were you, I would forget about the money from your gran and focus on making sure he's paying out to get all the care your mum needs. Obviously any other money issues in future, you'll be able to remind him that he has the funds to pay for it.

Original poster
flowergirl78 · 26/07/2019 11:15

That's awful @MothralovesGojira so sorry you had to go through this. Don't understand this meanness trait in people.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 26/07/2019 11:20

Ask her healthcare team for a continuing care assessment ( google it). You may benefit from the anomaly that nursing is paid for while social care is not.
If she has to go in a nursing home rather than hospital later the government pay. Cares of dementia patients are fighting for this as they usually go in care homes.
Have your parents made wills?
Best wishes to you all.

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