Upset over parents' money

[flowergirl78]

My mum is terminally ill and now requires more care than we can provide so spent yesterday researching social care packages amongst other things. The SW I spoke to told me if they have over £20000 in savings they have to self fund. Didn't think that they would have this much but asked my dad later only to find out they have at least 150k in the bank (plus own home worth about 150k).

I have always assumed they had very little. My dad had a fairly low paid job, mum was a housewife, car is 25 year old banger, never spend any money on anything, which is obviously how they have accumulated so much.

I spoke to my sister and she is in shock too. She is in a difficult financial and personal situation herself and has been stuck in a home she hates because she can't afford to move. About 6 months ago she broke down in tears to him and asked if he could lend her 10k for her to buy a house she'd seen and said that she would set up a contract and repayment plan and pay him back £300 a month. He acted like she had asked for a million pounds and said he didn't think you should lend money to family as it causes problems. This really upset her as there's no way she wouldn't pay it back but she assumed it was too large a sum for him so dropped it. I just can't get my head around this if I saw my child struggling and I had 150k sat doing nothing I would give it to them in a second.

Also, 15 years ago my grandma (dad's mum) died and left everything to me and my sister. She didn't own a home so this was about 25k. I thought it was mean of her not to give it to my dad when he has no money (maybe she knew he did). So we said we wanted him to have it and he accepted. I am now so mad that I did this.

Mum has been deteriorating for the last year and has needed several house adaptations and they really need an adapted bathroom as she can no longer get in the shower.He has been adamant that he cant afford it so I priced it up to see.if I could purchase it but it was out of my reach but been applying for grants and ringing the council all the time for advice. I also purchased wheelchairs, Zimmer frame, crutches, handrails etc. An hour before I found this all out I had decided once they get a carer in I will pay for a weekly cleaner for them and pretend that the council are paying for it.

I am so, so angry about his tight-arsedness and all the stress and worry he has put me through, not just over the last year but always worrying if they have enough to put the heating on every winter etc.

Both me and my sister haven't had a penny off them since 18 apart from birthday and xmas. We always get £50 at xmas and if they ever give it as a cheque I don't cash it as too worried about them going without.
I'm also so upset he wouldn't lend money to my sister when he knows what a bad situation she is in.

He's in his 70s and don't know what he is planning to do with all this money but surely the 'rainy day' time is now.

That is not a large amount of money to last an entire retirement. They did the responsible thing and saved for old age. Why on earth would that upset you?

MIL had a terminal brain tumour and was as you say you DM is and she had big house with money/savings and equity but didn't need to pay for care. I think it's of prognosis is terminal and likely less than six months left it's not means tested. They then used things like carers allowance to get cleaner and nice food from Cook.

She also got blue badge, sofa visits to hospice and more benefits when she was pronounced terminal too, it seems to open more doors.

Thankfully in her case she died from a massive stroke about 4 months into her terminal diagnosis.

it is a horrid thing to have to see someone with especially with this going on too

You can't get carers allowance when you receive state pension and it is not £85 a week!

Yes its true- live like a pauper and you’ll be rich. DM told me as a child they couldn’t afford to buy brown paper to cover my school books. As an adult I realised this would have been BS. So decided to call her out on it when she continued to plead poverty- I told her to zip it 🤐. I asked her why she continued to plead poverty whilst living in the best side of town. I don’t hear that so much anymore.

@MothralovesGojira sorry to read that your father was so awful, leaving everything to your stepmother and you not even receiving the £10k you were entitled to.

@flowergirl78 I can’t believe that your father would leave your mother suffer by not fitting a shower that she was able to access, that’s bloody awful, how could he treat his wife like that? And taking gifts off youand giving you financial worry. I’d ask for the money back that your grandmother left you, 💐 for you

As previous said, if your mum is terminally ill ( brain tumour)
Then it goes under the continuing care needs. You can be fast tracked for this

Fast Track Pathway Tool
If you have a rapidly deteriorating condition which may be entering a terminal phase, then you may require ‘fast tracking’ to receive urgent access to NHS Continuing Healthcare.
In the Fast Track Pathway there is no requirement to complete a Checklist or the Decision Support Tool. Instead, an appropriate clinician will complete the Fast Track Pathway Tool to establish your eligibility for NHS Continuing Healthcare.
This clinician will send the completed Fast Track Pathway Tool directly to your CCG, which should arrange for a care package to be provided for you, normally within 48 hours from receipt of the completed Fast Track Pathway Tool.
Your CCG should review your care needs and the effectiveness of your care package. There may be some instances where it becomes appropriate to reassess your eligibility for NHS Continuing Healthcare using the Decision Support Tool. If this is necessary, your CCG will carefully explain the process, as detailed in the ‘Assessments’ section above (page 8).
Both for attendance allowance and care needs.

So she can have home carers for FREE

Also I’d be asking for grandma money back, that was so deceitful taking your money, knowing they weren’t short.

@Purpleartichoke
The OP has been paying for her mothers needs while her father pleads poverty all the while sitting with £150k. Any decent person would be paying for his wife’s needs, poor woman can’t even access a bath!

I think it's of prognosis is terminal and likely less than six months left it's not means tested

This is correct, and granadagirl just posted a handy guide to how it's done

But IME there's a tendency to overlook the regs and lump everyone into the "sort it out yourself" group, to save the CCG time and money - which is why I suggested some decent guidance on getting everything in place

And frankly I wouldn't bother asking your "D"F for your grandma's money back. Anyone selfish enough to take it and refuse to help your DSis out when she needed it herself will probably play the "confused old man" and possibly even deny all knowledge of what you did

We didn't have to pay for a single thing when my husband was terminally ill and needing care at home. And we had a lot of savings too.

You shouldn't have needed to pay for the things you bought already. You really need to get your mum assessed. Macmillan organised it all for us. Contact them now.

Really the hospital should have put your parents on the path to this support. As soon as it was clear that my husband was terminal, we were given all the details of the support services, and asked if we wanted a Macmillan nurse. As soon as we said yes, everything kicked in.

Just to echo others that you shouldn’t have to pay if someone is terminally ill. My mum owned her home outright and had some savings and was granted the highest level of continuing care which meant she could either have a live in carer or hospice / nursing care - she opted for nursing home which then became hospice care. She had bowel cancer. She never had to pay a penny for anything.

I'm so sorry Op. what a horrible way to treat your own daughters. X

Many older people cry poverty. Moan about paying for thier Tv licences etc despite already getting a load of non-means tested freebies. PIL are loaded but won't spend a bean as FIL, 79, diabetic, says he doesn't know how long he'll live, despite his FA advising him to get rid of some money. And MIL hauls herself dangerously up and downstairs as they refuse to instal a downstairs loo. Money just sits there, accumulating interest, no-one getting any enjoyment from it. Utterly bonkers.
Don't even think about paying for a cleaner.

DF was the same. We grew up 'poor'. I smelt bad because I didn't have a second school shirt so couldn't change. Never had new clothes. One pair of shoes. Parents mortgage was paid off by 40. They are early 50's now and own a house and a boat. I now have such a non care attitude to money. As long as I am fed and warm, beyond that I don't care. Money makes people have a weird sense of power where assets mean more than family.

When my mum divorced my dad she didnt take a penny from him on the condition that the inheritance from our grandfather would be split between us. My dads is very, very well paid, but after the divorce he wouldnt give us £2 for school lunch, never a penny.

We found out recently that hes already signed over his inheritance to his step mother (who's always been after the money).

I watched with my mum as she moved us into our grandmas house for months, find s private rent property, struggle to afford milk, lose the private house as we coukdnt afford it, move into a council property as we were effectively homeless. All to make sure her kids were set at some point in life.. for my dad to turn his back on the agreement and sign it away.

I could see the heartbreak in my mums eyes when I mentioned what he has said about not having his half of the inheritance anymore.

My advice would be to cut all ties, I figure if your own father wont make up you are ok, then he doesnt care.

People will give you the 'but hes your dad' bullshit, but 'you're his daughter'.. what has he ever done for you?

Isn't financial abuse in a marriage an offence now? Surely what your df is doing to your dm is financial and physical abuse - in a sense - denying her washing facilities....

What's important right now is getting the care your DM needs asap, and I'd go to your DF demand he spends 3k on putting the bathroom right. It's time he wished up and did right by his wife

I do sympathise with the money situation my parents are well off but my dad being a controlling emotionally abusive man and DM supporting this makes resentment kick in as they were giving inheritance on a promise they gave they'd share it out making everyone comfortable well I'm still waiting tight bastards live it up on steak dinners all the time

Worry about the money situation afterwards now is the time to enjoy your last few months with your mum so dont fall out with anyone, she doesn't need that but certainly make it clear to him that he needs to get that bathroom sorted.