We can’t seem to recover from affair

[Cantbefixed]

I had a long term affair and confessed to my husband 8 months ago.
He says he has forgiven me and wants us to move forward but every day he brings it up.
Sometimes comments about the other man or he says the justifiable but vicious things he thinks of me which I sit there and take because it’s my fault.
Other times we have full screaming rows that end up with both of us saying nasty things.

We haven’t been intimate since years before the affair.
Now he wants to but it’s the last thing I want after he’s screamed at me and told me what a bitch/whore/etc I am.
I do still think about the other man and when things are so bad with my husband I think of him even more.

I feel like we’ll never get over this and most of the time I feel empty and don’t want to try but I know I have to for our children who are all at a tough emotional age 11, 13 and 15.
He thinks he’s making effort but he still talks me like shit and I’m still only the cook/cleaner/mother who looks after the manchild I married and our children.

We wouldn’t go to a counsellor because he can’t handle any criticisms about him or the reasons why I did what I did.

Is there any hope? Please tell me if you did manage to fix things and how long it took or if you didn’t when you called it the end. Thank you x

I think it generally is very hard to move on from an affair, the trust is broken and it's very hard to repair that.

You are the one who had the affair and your husband is entitled to process it and feel whatever he feels. You suggest that his behaviour was the reason for the affair but that's a cop out, if his behaviour was so bad you should have either tried to work it out or leave, not have a long term affair.

I think the best thing for both of you is to end it and move on. The resentment will always be there.

I’m sorry to say but this sounds over to me.

Sorry missed the bit about being called a bitch, whose, etc. Why are you still there?

8 months is very early for your H . I know that my H constantly thought that I should be " over it " but it takes a very long time . He is now my ex H. I know one person whose marriage has "survived" an affair and 10 years later she still thinks about it every day ( her H cheated ) .

Can I ask how long is " long term" ?

It’s over. You say that your children are at a tough emotional age. This current set up is not doing them any favours

It's over. You don't want to try, he can't get past it in his head. It's only been eight months. He probably still thinks about it when his head is quiet, when he looks at you. You are fighting and arguing.

Do everyone a favour here and leave. It's done, and you're demonstrating an awful marriage to your children. In 20 years time; do you want them to be repeating this?

OP, it's over. Affair or not, there's no way he should be calling you a bitch or a whore, especially on a regular basis. It sounds as if he's using the affair as a whipping post for you. Not that I'm condoning your actions, but the relationship sounds toxic and long over. This is a shitty environment to be bringing your children up in.

Normally I would suggest the old 'ducks in a row' advice, and plan a break up for a time when the kids are less vulnerable, but if they are being exposed to this toxicity now then they would be better out of it. It will need gentle management though, and if you do break up I hate to say it but you will need to prioritise and focus on the feelings and needs of your children rather than jumping straight back into bed with the OM.

If I were you I would cut your losses, you were already in a volatile sexless marriage before the affair and you should have left then. Your H might still be processing his feelings about it but at the same time it was him who wanted to work through it and make a go of things. He can’t keep beating you over the head with the same stick if he really wanted to move forward he wouldn’t talk about it or bring it up! It seems like he’s actually trying to punish you for what you did. Nothing has changed in your relationship! I would LTB ASAP!

It sounds like a horrible atmosphere for your children to be living in. They know their parents are unhappy and fight however much you think they don’t and you’re not doing them any favours by staying together.

You’re saying you weren’t happy to explain having had an affair, why would things be any better now that he thinks he’s got a justification for treating you badly?

You should have left before you got involved with the other man and you really have to leave now.

The OP admits she also says nasty things.

No one would be telling a female poster they should be over it by 8 months.

Personally, though, I think this marriage is dead. Doesnt sound like a good relationship or anything to salvage.

Your marriage was over before the affair and it's even more over now. Grasp the bull by the horns and separate for your kids' sake.

if he really wanted to move forward he wouldn’t talk about it or bring it up

It’s only been 8 months, probably less time than the affair went on for. The usual advice is to take full responsibility for cheating, don’t blame your spouse and let them bring it up when they need to for as long as they need to.

Of course he shouldn’t be verbally abusive but he’s probably incredibly hurt and we don’t know that it was his fault they weren’t having sex.

It doesn’t sound like he wants to continue the relationship if he’s calling you names.

Your relationship is over! He clearly doesn't forgive you and he shouldn't have to pretend he does. There is no excuse for having a long-term affair! It destroys people and can have a negative effect on them for the rest of their lives impacting future relationships.

It's probably best if you were on your own from now on.

Of course you will never get over it. Once trust is gone there is no relationship. Call it a day now and move on.

It seems the easy option to say you want to work through it, as your H has found, it’s much harder to do because your feelings about that person often just aren’t the same, you don’t see them in the same way. I’ve been in your position OP 30 years ago, eventually I left because it was being used to beat me over the head verbally too often , I’ve also been on the receiving end, I have stayed but it’s not the same in my head

OP, your marriage wasn’t good before the affair and it certainly isn’t good now.
What is the best that can be achieved if your DH “gets over it”?
A return to the sexless loveless marriage you had before? Do you even want that?
It’s a generalisation, but I think women mainly cheat because their needs for emotional and sexual intimacy are not being met in their marriage, as opposed to feeling a selfish entitlement to screw around.
I’d think carefully about where you see this marriage going in 5 or 10 years time, and whether you still want to be in it when it gets there.

OP advice on here is generally that you have to lie down and accept whatever punishment is meted out to you. Of course an affair is never ok, and no-one can dispute that.

However it's rare that it is solely the affair which is to blame for the problems in the marriage (albeit a bit issue) and in your case it sounds like you had an unhappy scenario before.

Like I said, it doesn't make the affair ok, but I absolutely do not subscribe to this view that you must therefore accept whatever methods your H uses to recover himself. You don't have to put up with abuse for instance.

I agree with most P on here that the marriage is over. For the sake of everyone I'd end things.

Don't use the children as an excuse. I had to leave and take my 15yr old, right in the middle of her Mock Exams, when I found out my Ex cheated. It wasn't ideal, but she knew I was setting an example for her not to take any shit.

Whatever the reason you cheated on him for, it sounds like this will never be resolved. Some relationships recover from cheating, but it is rare. Counselling is essential, 100% transparency and helping to build that trust...Your DH is clearly hurting and quite rightly so, but it sounds like if the OM came back you would jump ship straight away. Do the right thing and end your marriage so your DH can also move on and find someone else to have a trustworthy relationship with.

It appears it was over some time OP, arguably when you chose to enter into an affair, knowing the hurt and issues it would cause. The fact you did anyway surely means you were not happy or in love or too fussed about him even before he has turned on you afterwards. There is limited hope if he refuses to attend counselling but equally what is the point, you still fantasise about the other man so it seems hypocritical to expect him to be over it when he's technically right to be suspicious. Being cheated on and lied to is very very painful and affects peoples mental health OP, people often don't ever 'get over it' - with you or anyone else.

That said I see little point in adopting the attitude that you 'have' to stay for the children, you don't have to do anything in actuality and that does include conducting an affair when you did. Why stay for the kids now if you couldn't refrain from causing huge hurt and issues by cheating before? The damage is done OP. His behaviour and name calling is no way excusable either and he sounds grim regardless but really it's all moot- you don't want to be together, don't respect or like one another, the trust is gone. It doesn't actually matter who started it or is responsible. What matters is judging the situation as it stands. Living like this clearly makes you unhappy, he is unhappy, the DC clearly must hear and feel this, it isn't a good environment for them. Sometimes we just have to accept that what we have is what we have only, not what we would like it to be or what would be most convenient for us. You are not responsible for him if you want to separate doso, you don't owe a penance period because you had the affair. Just do him a favour and yourself and move on, try and create a healthier situation for your family.

If you end it and go back to the man you cheated with, do your children a favour and don’t introduce him into their lives.

He shouldn't be calling you names, but also you should have ended your marriage before going out with someone else. You are both BU.

Couldn't be more over.
Please, for your own sake, end it.

When my ex cheated (the first time) and we tried to work things out the general advice, books and therapist I went to all said that it takes two to five years to get past infidelity, that is with both partners wanting the relationship to work and being open, honest and putting in sincere effort. It is only eight months in and from personal experience all I can tell you about that time is that I questioned every word, action and look that my ex gave me, I was unsure what was true and what was lies, every time his phone beeped my heart jumped, every phone call, message, email seemed to be a threat that she was back in contact with him, I was also filled with self hatred, I hated my looks, weight, personality, all I saw was flaws and my failings as a partner that failed to satisfy him emotionally and sexually. I blamed him and the OW for hurting me so much, I mostly blamed myself for not being good enough to keep him happy. Looking back I do not recognise the awful, vicious person I was, I am ashamed of how I behaved.

To be honest from reading your OP you don't seem to have any insight into how your actions may have affected him, he is trying to figure out what parts of his life are lies and that is a crazy making way to live.

We wouldn’t go to a counsellor because he can’t handle any criticisms about him or the reasons why I did what I did

Have you gone to therapy alone? It would generally be recommended that partners attend different therapists solo with a view to then going to relationship counselling together to work out joint issues when the solo issues have been dealt with. You say that this was a long term affair, during that time you would have rejected your husband repeatedly, even if you don't think you did you will have and he will now be looking back and recognising why you acted in the ways you did, he will be wondering how much of the family time you spent together was genuine or if you were wishing the OM was there instead, I think you have some serious thinking to do OP, I would advise solo counselling first and then decide on a way forward.

It sounds like the marriage should have ended well before the affair.

The children will resent being the reason that you're both unhappy. They will prefer that you're civil co-parents rather than the current situation that they have to endure. One of you need to be brave and say it's over and I think it should be you as you had the affair, are thinking about other men and don't want to be intimate with your husband any more.

FWIW 8 months isn't enough to get over an affair. You called your affair long-term was it years long? I'd expect that the recovery would be longer than the length of the affair and I wouldn't be surprised if no sex had happened since the affair was discovered .

I'm not saying that you deserve to be called a whore. Your h is understandably angry but he needs to think about why he wanted to reconcile. Is he worried about not seeing the kids? Did he want to prove that he was better than your affair partner and have you choose him? Is it because of the financial and practical cost of splitting? Why did you decide to try again after the affair?