We can’t seem to recover from affair

[Cantbefixed]

I had a long term affair and confessed to my husband 8 months ago.
He says he has forgiven me and wants us to move forward but every day he brings it up.
Sometimes comments about the other man or he says the justifiable but vicious things he thinks of me which I sit there and take because it’s my fault.
Other times we have full screaming rows that end up with both of us saying nasty things.

We haven’t been intimate since years before the affair.
Now he wants to but it’s the last thing I want after he’s screamed at me and told me what a bitch/whore/etc I am.
I do still think about the other man and when things are so bad with my husband I think of him even more.

I feel like we’ll never get over this and most of the time I feel empty and don’t want to try but I know I have to for our children who are all at a tough emotional age 11, 13 and 15.
He thinks he’s making effort but he still talks me like shit and I’m still only the cook/cleaner/mother who looks after the manchild I married and our children.

We wouldn’t go to a counsellor because he can’t handle any criticisms about him or the reasons why I did what I did.

Is there any hope? Please tell me if you did manage to fix things and how long it took or if you didn’t when you called it the end. Thank you x

I think the fact this was a long term affair (how long?) makes this impossible to get over. It wasn’t just a one off or even a short term fling. I could never forgive my dh for cheating. Ever.

Your children are living in a nightmare. Just end it.

Two questions

• have you had counselling to help you tow work through all the feelings brought my the affair?

• the way he is and the way you feel, is that only an issue with the affair or are there deeper issues, that existed before the affair, at play there? It strikes me that you are saying you are still the skivvy for everyone, incl him, and that you are very resentful of that. Which makes me think there was many issues before hand and that you are basically dealing with te fall out of the affair AND those unresolved issues by putting them all in the same bag. It makes me wonder for example, if you are not trying to accept he isn’t taking on his share of the workload at home because of the affair when it’s a totally different issue iyswim

He hasn't forgiven you. He says he has so he can treat you badly to punish you. He's being abusive. And possibly you are too.
Your dcs are living in a war zone. It sounds horrible at your house.
You are feeling so guilty about cheating that you think you deserve to be treated like this. You don't.
I really think for the state of your dcs mental health it's time to split up.

If you stay together then he needs to forgive you and draw a line under it and move on. If he can't do that , then it has to be over.

I am not saying that he has to/should forgive you, but the relationship cannot continue if he won't. If he wants a future and you want a future then you both need to go to counselling to work out if its going to be possible.

Look, you had the affair. You need some brutal harsh truths that we would tell a man if he came on here complaining about lack of sex.

You shagged another man. How would you feel if your husband had shagged another woman? Had told her he loved her? Maybe even planned a future together? I'm betting you did all of that with your affair partner. How would you feel if your husband did that to you? Chose another woman over you, called her beautiful.

You fucked up, big time. That's not his fault. You werent having sex but that's not his fault. It takes two to have sex, you could have worked on your problems. You didn't have to jump into bed with another man.

You broke his trust. You have to work to get that back, if you want to. It doesn't sound like you do though. It doesn't even sound like you care about having hurt him that much.

Just get divorced. You're not going to fix this and you're unlikely to try. But at least have some empathy for him. As much as he may have pissed you off in the relationship, at least he was faithful. And I bet you pissed him off a lot too.

You ruined it.
Do him a favour and leave.
Also, be kind. YOU chose this path.

It doesn't even sound like you care about having hurt him that much.

Yes I agree @Blueoasis

Firstly I personally don’t think it’s possible to recover from an affair.

Secondly you are being abused. You shouldn’t ever put up with that.

I wouldn't call it abuse. She said she says horrible things too.
It's a reaction to her destroying their marriage.
And she expects him to just get over it.

The sheer selfishness of some people astound me. How did you THINK this would turn out?

Yeah if it's abuse, she's abusing him too. No point calling it that when they are as bad as each other. Technically she's worse she slept with someone else.

Why is it on here people ignore the fact that the woman has had an affair? If a man came on here and said this, you would tear him to pieces.

I am also 7 months in from. discovering my DH affair. And I sound like your DH.

I used to be an OK person , but the anger and hurt is almost unbearable.Sometimes I am so sad and Some times so angry. And I do lash out verbally. I guess in some twisted way , I want him to suffer. And feel my pain.
Irrational I know, but I justify it by saying to myself that he deserves it.

The reason that DH gives is that we were physically separate by his work. And he was lonely. I get mad as I was lonely too but didn't go elsewhere. You say you weren't having sex- well neither was he. Maybe your DH wanted to address it - why didn't you ?

I know my DH would love me to " get past it and move on " .Easier for him and you to say - your trust and heart haven't been broken. This is the fallout of YOUR actions.

Do him a favour and leave. Go back to the OM. He is welcome to you - if he would have you.

It sounds like there was no love in the marriage well before the affair started. So what is the point in trying to salvage anything? The best you can hope for is that he forgives you and you return to how things were before. Is that really how you want to live the rest of your life?

The tension in your house must be awful, especially for the children.

I’d try counselling but it sounds like your heart is not in the marriage. He doesnt trust you I can understand that and hes worried about the affair restarting. He should not call you those names under any circumstances frankly.

Would he do joint counselling?

You sound horrible. You had a long term affair and now get upset when your DH talks about it. He was cheated on by you. How he wants to get over this is his choice. He wants to talk about it so that this would prompt you say reassuring things like "I love you" and "I regret it deeply" etc. You getting upset with him instead of providing this reassurance only makes it worse! Because then you are a cheat and also a cold hearted person who doesn't help her husband get over it. I feel sorry for him.

But you don’t seem to love or like him.

And you are still blaming him (at least partially) for the affair.

I have no didn’t from what you say that it was an unsatisfactory marriage before the affair, and that he played a huge part in that. That is when you should have tried to make it work, or left.

How long is long term wrt the affair? Are you expecting him to have moved in in a shorter length of time than that which you lived a lie?

I’m trying to be realistic here rather than judgmental: people have affairs. But if you are truly wanting to move forwards you need to be honest. You can’t inflict another 5 years of not loving him on him!

He wants to talk about it so that this would prompt you say reassuring things like "I love you" and "I regret it deeply" etc.

Is this before or after he calls her a bitch/whore?

I know what your husband is going through. If you think 8 months isn’t still raw, you’re SO far off!!!

He is angry. You broke his trust. You allowed another man to be intimate with you. He shared you with someone unwittingly. Trust me, the idea of that is vile. To me, i felt like my body and trust had been abused - I never consented to sleep with anyone who had been risking my sexual health with someone else?!

That’s not to say his behaviour is right, but he’s really, really fucking hurt and angry.

You’re going to need some therapy at the very least, both of you. Together and separately.

I think you totally underestimate the depth of the damage you’ve made.

My therapist and I had a long discussion on the wisdom of confessing affairs.

We concluded: this is the one area where silence causes the least harm. End it and resolve to never do something so horrible again and work on being a better person.

Why? Because some guilt should be carried alone - an affair is a nuclear bomb to a marriage. It is annihilating to the betrayed person. Once known, it cannot be unknown.

Why did you tell him, @can'tbefixed? Guilt? To get his attention? Teach him a lesson?

There is a very good book by Linda J MacDonald, How to help your spouse heal from an affair.

Good luck OP

I'm in a similar situation and can relate to what you are going through

Babdoc is spot on with the emotional intimacy reasoning.

My dh is ok for a while then something triggers it. We did go to joint counselling which helped.

I understand about the constant monitoring and reading into things which are not happening. We go up and down and he can be abusive and he was like it before.

Are your dps supportive?

Two of her points:
your only choice. Now is not the time for excuses (or for explanations that sound like excuses). You need to take full responsibility for your affair. For a while, you need to let the focus be on your failure to keep the promises you once made.
Eventually, you will need to be honest about all the vulnerabilities in your life or in your marriage, but hold off on these discussions until your spouse has regained emotional
stability. That may take a while.
You may wonder if you’ll always be the “bad guy,” getting the blame for every unsatisfactory thing that has ever happened or will ever happen in your marriage. In most cases, that doesn’t happen. If it does, you’ll need to address it honestly, probably with the help of a counselor. But don’t worry about that yet. Let the focus be on you. ■
Step into your spouse’s pain.
I’ll be honest with you: this will be one of the hardest
things you ever do. The pain of betrayal is one of the deepest hurts anyone can experience. You will desperately desire to hide from that pain, especially because you know you are responsible for it.
Your spouse cannot just “move on” from this. The wound needs to heal. If you are going to remain in relationship with him/her, you need to be the one who offers comfort and relief.

Op, you and your DH are doing far more damage to your children by staying together rather than splitting up. They must hate hearing all the arguments, name calling and toxic atmosphere. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if they had divorced parents living in peaceful separate homes who they see regularly?

Blueoasis is absolutely spot on. I've never seen a thread from a cheating husband be anywhere near as pleasant as this one (usual caveat that MN is not a collective and different people on different threads).

Completely disagree that he's being abusive by calling her a bitch and a whore. I would imagine a lot of women who are cheated on call their husbands the male equivalents of those names.

If anything an affair can have the same effects as emotional abuse, causing lasting damage and trauma that takes a lot of time and effort to get over. Being nasty to the other person is probably part of it.

I don't think you should stay together. I don't think many couples can recover from affairs and your relationship sounded like it was over before the affair anyway.

You are better off just ending it, but don't blame it on him and how he couldn't or wouldn't get over it.

Agree that this thread is more pleasant than usual.

It's helped by OP taking the blame for the affair and the tone of her post. I've seen plenty of cheating women who had their arses handed to them because they state crap like it's fine that the wife is unhappy as long as they are happy (destiny, ends justify the means sorts of bollocks) , they believe the lies that their affair partner has told them or it's dripfed much later into the thread. She's also not committed the cardinal sins of downplaying the affair or coming back and abusing everyone for not supporting the affair.