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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We can’t seem to recover from affair

92 replies

Cantbefixed · 26/07/2019 09:30

I had a long term affair and confessed to my husband 8 months ago.
He says he has forgiven me and wants us to move forward but every day he brings it up.
Sometimes comments about the other man or he says the justifiable but vicious things he thinks of me which I sit there and take because it’s my fault.
Other times we have full screaming rows that end up with both of us saying nasty things.

We haven’t been intimate since years before the affair.
Now he wants to but it’s the last thing I want after he’s screamed at me and told me what a bitch/whore/etc I am.
I do still think about the other man and when things are so bad with my husband I think of him even more.

I feel like we’ll never get over this and most of the time I feel empty and don’t want to try but I know I have to for our children who are all at a tough emotional age 11, 13 and 15.
He thinks he’s making effort but he still talks me like shit and I’m still only the cook/cleaner/mother who looks after the manchild I married and our children.

We wouldn’t go to a counsellor because he can’t handle any criticisms about him or the reasons why I did what I did.

Is there any hope? Please tell me if you did manage to fix things and how long it took or if you didn’t when you called it the end. Thank you x

OP posts:

Caucho · 27/07/2019 18:36

Your marriage is dead. He sounds abusive which I can understand but not justify. You don’t seem to like him, now and before. There’s just no point in carrying on and if he doesn’t want to end it himself, then you need to do it. If you’ve got the bottle to have an long term affair (would ask how long but doesn’t actually matter in the circumstances you’re in now) then you need to find the bottle to end it yourself

15YemenRoad · 28/07/2019 13:58

Wouldn't the decent thing be to leave him? He's been betrayed and hurt, and most people can never overcome an affair. What you did is just disgusting, if you were unhappy you should have left before you took the decision to cheat.

You clearly do not to make an effort and seem to not really care for him either, and it's understandable that he is angry and struggling with the aftermath of deceit.

Do what you should have done before you had an affair - leave. End this relationship, and go live your life how you wish to. Give him the chance to move on and find someone who won't betray him and love him.

Truth is, you brought this on yourself and what is to happen hereafter is all on you. Did you only come back to him because the other man no longer wanted you?

Jabbercocky · 29/07/2019 23:40

It’s over. Do the decent thing and leave but have the decency to be extremely generous when divvying up the assets and the debts. Believe me, it will really help his emotional state immeasurably knowing that you genuinely felt guilty enough to capitulate in this way - that he wasn’t just a paycheque. It’s going to take him years to get his mind right again after this. If you cared, you’d make it as easy for him as possible.
This is is the price you pay IMO.

IdblowJonSnow · 29/07/2019 23:44

Sounds well and truly over to me op.
Time to move on.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/07/2019 13:34

Your a cheater. plain and simple. You may want to excuse your affair by blaming your hapless DH, and some may be taken in by it.
Off course your DH is going to be angry when you dont want to have sex, you have been having a long term affair, which presumable means you have been sleeping with the OM. Own up to your mistakes and don't try to make yourself the victim. You have damaged the lives of every member of your family due to your actions. The least you can do is take responsibility for that.

Whoops75 · 30/07/2019 13:37

It’s not working op

mummyprincesss · 30/07/2019 13:42

Why did you tell him?

Ginger1982 · 30/07/2019 13:51

How long was your affair?

Deadringer · 30/07/2019 13:58

You were wrong to have an affair, 100%, and personally it's not something I could ever move on from, or forgive. But your dh sounds awful, and your marriage is over.

Yeahnahmum · 30/07/2019 14:51

Your children will suffer more if you guys stay together then if you were to split up

You've broken your partners trust and therefore the marriage. It is over.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2019 15:05

Sorry but your relationship sounds utterly toxic. Your poor kids, having to listen to the pair of you screaming obscenities at each other. That will damage them far more than their parents splitting up.

You don't want to be intimate with him. He doesn't want to go to counselling... you're still thinking about the other man...

I think it's time to call it a day to be honest.

SouthernComforts · 30/07/2019 15:24

I don't understand how having 2 miserable people under the same roof is supposed to make the kids happy.

But then I don't understand being unhappy enough to have an affair, get caught and yet still continue the "relationship".

There's millions of people in the world you could BOTH be happy with, why flog this horse?

crestar · 30/07/2019 16:49

Let's cut to the chase here and ignore all the feminist nutters talking about abuse - what do they think the affair was?

Anyone who has ever been in this situation will understand the following point.

Of course he will be frustrated, hurt and angry with you because you were perfectly happy to go off fucking someone else on a regular basis and won't even entertain your husband?

Unbelievable.

SilverySurfer · 30/07/2019 18:23

Perhaps your DH could have a long-term affair and then you will understand how he feels? If things haven't been good for a while, why did you not split up with him before embarking on another relationship?

I don't blame your DH, I wouldn't forgive you either.

Beansandcoffee · 30/07/2019 18:28

You had the affair. You have ended the marriage. Your H can take as long as he wants to sort out his feelings regarding your affair. One doesn’t get over an affair instead it is parked.

Regarding the name calling I called my Ex H far worse names when he told me he had been having an affair. I reckon it took me 18 months to start to move on.

yy558 · 30/07/2019 19:43

Like pp said, I don't think you've put yourself in his shoes once even after the affair ended. It doesn't just go away especially after 8months. Personally I was numb for about a year, before I even felt proper anger. And there was nothing to hold me back anymore - previously you'd hold back and pick your battles as a compromise but after that, losing control is alot easier. (Not advocating lashing out as the right thing to do either)

You either sit and listen, or you leave them alone to to heal

dustarr73 · 31/07/2019 07:49

Right can i ask 2 things.?
How old are the children,
How long was the affair.

Something seems off to me.Is there any chance the OM is the father to the kids.

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