Am I crazy or is he bad news?

[Annie131]

Hey everyone.

I’m just after some relationship advice now before everyone says I sound crazy here is a bit of a backstory. I’m a single mom of a little boy, his dad wasn’t a very loving person and after 6 years of being together (one year married) we split up for several reasons. He made me feel extremely insecure etc.

A year on and I meet someone, of course I approached with massive caution but he seemed very caring and lovely. I told him straight away I don’t mind texting, taking on a phone etc but I will not meet him for a long time as I don’t think it’s alright to leave my son to go out with someone. I don’t even go out with my work mates for this very reason. After a couple of weeks of texting he was still very understanding, sweet and polite. I felt like it’s no crime to maybe go on a date with him, so I did. We got on amazingly and I started falling for him. I always told him my son comes first so if I don’t make time for him he gotta understand that. We went on a second date. Was also very lovely. He always texted me sweet stuff and became my shoulder to lean on when I needed him, offered me loads of support and became my comfort when I seen him. So this Monday I seen him for the 3rd time, at my house (I live with my parents but it was their idea to invite him so we could have some privacy etc). We did NOT have sex as he is very respectful in this matter and wants to wait a bit longer to make it more special for us. Anyways next day his texting during the day decreased a little bit (he always would send me an early good morning text) however the content stayed the same. So Tuesday I asked if he was free Wednesday, he said he wasn’t sure and was gonna let me know, so I suggested wether he would wanna come around now he said it was too much of a short notice. Okay, fine. Wednesday he didn’t let me know if he was still free so I waited and then asked. Eventually when he replied it was a bit late but asked me if I still want him to come over, I said of course. I been going through a couple of emotional days and felt like I could use the comfort his presence brings me. To that he replied it’s a bit too late and he would rather leave it till another day because he wants to spend quality time with me. Okay, fine. In the evening I felt rather upset and told him (it wasn’t to do with him I just got a bit emotional) he said that if I wanted to take a break to slow things down then he wouldn’t mind at all if that makes me feel better. I don’t want to take a break so I said it’s fine. Today he didn’t text me nearly all day I left it but I don’t know why felt rather upset about it. So he texted me again the content being the same, still being sweet and respectful and pretty much carrying on the conversation from yesterday etc. He said he had a free evening due to cancelled plans (he sees his mom every Thursday evening) being determined to try to see him to talk to him about how I feel I asked if he wants to come see me today. He sounded very happy about it and said yes, 2 hours later he texts me that his mom now put the plans back on and cancels on me, and he hopes I understand. Of course I do family comes first. But I felt a little bit upset as I was really excited to see him tonight. Okay, fine. But I just feel like I’m making all this effort to give him my time to see me (btw I’m never ever neglecting my son or taking his time away with me from him to see this guy) and he just doesn’t seem keen anymore.

So here is the question , am I being paranoid? Or crazy? I’m being so stupid and almost begging him for attention. Should I ask to see him again and if he cancels or doesn’t seem to want to just drop any contact or should I stop talking to him straight away?

I don’t know if I’m being too emotional or crazy, he keeps saying he has the same feelings for me but it just seems like as of Tuesday onwards he doesn’t give a shit anymore. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong I just don’t know what to do, my mates say not to jump to conclusions but I just don’t know.

I’m sorry for the confusing story but it’s just ripping my mind up atm, wether it’s be being crazy and thinking he is no good. Or is he generally gonna break my heart when I keep putting effort in.

Thank you for any advice guys xxxx

Leave it now. Let him come to you. He probably won't but stop chasing.

You can do much better. Bin him, he's messing you around.

Noddles4me

Thank you, see I thought I was chasing him even through he always waited for me to say when I can see him. At least I know I'm not crazy.

I would 💯 not let this man mess you about any more. Stay in your own lane, get on with your life and put your time, effort and energy into someone who matches that same level of time effort and energy into you.

It's early days to be having a man making you feel like this you know.... This is supposed to be the fun part.

Xx

If you live with your parents why can't they babysit sometimes so that you can go on dates?
This all sounds very intense and strange. You hardly know the man and you want to lean on him emotionally 😕. Don't make any man your emotional crutch.
Do you need to do the Freedom programme?

VixenSixen

Thank you I thought that as well it went from making me feel comfort and putting a smile on my face to making tears run down my face but I wanted to be fair on him before I told him it's over and I think we shouldn't see each other anymore .

DianaT1969

I meant as in when I need someone to talk to he had been there for me and just listen to me no matter what I was talking about etc .

I don't want to ask my parents to babysit as I feel like I failed as mom if I do as my son should be my whole world and I shouldn't want to go out.

Hmmm....

But so far, everything has been on your terms, and you said repeatedly that he brings you comfort.

That might be a worry to him...
Maybe can you go somewhere fun, and get to know each other as friends?

IamtheOA

It has been on my terms yes, he never pushed me to do anything I don't want and shows me a lot of respect. He said many times that he enjoys the fact he can bring comfort to me as he thinks I'm special and amazing. He always knows what to say to make me feel like I mean something to him it's just his actions don't show it.

That is struggle with as when I went on a second date with him I had a phone call of my mom saying my son been crying and she can't get him back to sleep so I had to come back and that made me feel really guilty that I wasn't there to comfort my son cuz I was out and put me off going out . That's why my parents suggested he can come around the house and we can spend time together in the evenings.

Do you think that parents who go out to work and leave their DC with family or a childminder are bad parents? Why would a few hours outside, not with your son impact him negatively?
It is too soon to be telling him everything and expecting support from him.
I'm not sure this is for real?
Are you from a culture where women don't date perhaps?

I think you're aiming across as kinda needy (not a judgement at all, I get it. It must be nice to be liked and admired again after a marriage breakup) but to me if it's causing you this much anxiety this early on, then you either need to not see him. Or maybe have some therapy to help you deal with your self esteem issues.

DianaT1969

No I don't think that at all as my mom looks after my son while I'm at work but that's work. I feel guilty when I go out for a date as it's not necessary tbh. I should be home with my son not on a date. I don't know how to explain it.

It is for real, i can assure you.

It's not culture, I been with my ex husband since I was 19 till 25 and I haven't been out on a date for so long or been with many people before him so I guess I lack experience

Giantnannyknickers

You are absolute right, I'm clingy and needy and I don't hide it and he seemed to accept that. And that sounds good tbh, I think I might actually need help with how I feel after the failed marriage

You’ve only seen him three times and he is backing off a little but that’s fine. It doesn’t mean he’s ‘bad news.’ You are just getting to know each other.

From his point of view maybe he doesn’t want to come to your Home with your parents and son there. Tbh even if I was younger I would have hated that.

This isn't the man for you. He's messing you about too much. He knows you lean on him, and will use that to his advantage.

Going out on dates or with friends does not make you a bad mother. You're young, you should enjoy your youth, going out will open your world a little bit. I don't mean every evening - but once a month would be a start!

Sounds like too much too soon to me, although what do I know with my username haha.

What struck me is you said you don't mind texting or speaking on the phone for a long time yet after only a couple of weeks you met him and arranged a second date soon after.

That's in addition to him becoming a shoulder to lean on when you need it and a source of comfort. Way, way too soon...

Don't want to offend OP but if I was in the mans shoes I'd be pulling back too I'm afraid.

Just to put this into perspective: You've met this man twice. You shouldn't be as attached as you are.

I think because you have been lonely maybe and being going through a lot you have latched onto someone who has shown you a bit of (fleeting) kindness. Which isn't very healthy. It sounds like you maybe haven't been making time for you and friendships. You shouldn't feel guilty to go out with friends, just because you have a kid doesn't mean you have to entirely give up your social life and I feel if you had some company then maybe you wouldn't have got so keen on this random man so fast.

However, it probably wasn't wise to have him round to the place where you keep your child when you barely know him. There are a lot of weirdos out there. And many of them seem lovely in the beginning. It seems now that he is messing you about. Perhaps to see how much you will tolerate whilst still continuing to pursue him, if so, it's definitely a red flag.

I think you should end things with him and focus on YOU for a change. Not just your kid and family but you. You deserve time to socialise and make friends and grow relationships ORGANICALLY OVER TIME not just through texting and briefly hanging out.

Doesn’t your ex have your child ever?

Madlove

He said he loves coming to my house and he enjoys having that time with me but also would like to be able to see me during day time to do something fun.

That's understandable but I'm making the effort to be able to see him to get to know him and he is messing me about .

Ihatethecold

Nope he only sees him once every two week through a contact center for certain reasons.

no offence OP you sound incredibly needy - i would back off and take time out for yourself.

Is your ex not on the scene to have the baby?? nothing wrong with leaving him with your parents for a date? thats what most of us normal folk do!

MarianaMoatedGrange

Thank you but I still feel a lot of guilt about not being there for my son 24/7 some days I even struggle going to work as I don't want to leave him.

That thought did cross my mind at one point as it seems like he likes the attention I'm giving him when I text him etc if that makes sense

You said he only came to your house once and he backed off the day after and you haven’t seen him since?

Carly2803

No offence taken at all, I know I'm mega needy and I did tell him that when before we met.

Nope my ex only sees our son every two weeks through a contact center atm.

Yeah but I already leave my son with my mom when I go to work so I feel like leaving him to go on a date is very selfish of me both on my son and my mom.

Madlove

The texting decreased slightly before he came to my house.

When he did come and seen me that day he was very loving and cuddly etc so I seemed like he was even more keen after seeing me that day but his actions the next day say otherwise that's why I'm so confused .