Am I crazy or is he bad news?

[Annie131]

Hey everyone.

I’m just after some relationship advice now before everyone says I sound crazy here is a bit of a backstory. I’m a single mom of a little boy, his dad wasn’t a very loving person and after 6 years of being together (one year married) we split up for several reasons. He made me feel extremely insecure etc.

A year on and I meet someone, of course I approached with massive caution but he seemed very caring and lovely. I told him straight away I don’t mind texting, taking on a phone etc but I will not meet him for a long time as I don’t think it’s alright to leave my son to go out with someone. I don’t even go out with my work mates for this very reason. After a couple of weeks of texting he was still very understanding, sweet and polite. I felt like it’s no crime to maybe go on a date with him, so I did. We got on amazingly and I started falling for him. I always told him my son comes first so if I don’t make time for him he gotta understand that. We went on a second date. Was also very lovely. He always texted me sweet stuff and became my shoulder to lean on when I needed him, offered me loads of support and became my comfort when I seen him. So this Monday I seen him for the 3rd time, at my house (I live with my parents but it was their idea to invite him so we could have some privacy etc). We did NOT have sex as he is very respectful in this matter and wants to wait a bit longer to make it more special for us. Anyways next day his texting during the day decreased a little bit (he always would send me an early good morning text) however the content stayed the same. So Tuesday I asked if he was free Wednesday, he said he wasn’t sure and was gonna let me know, so I suggested wether he would wanna come around now he said it was too much of a short notice. Okay, fine. Wednesday he didn’t let me know if he was still free so I waited and then asked. Eventually when he replied it was a bit late but asked me if I still want him to come over, I said of course. I been going through a couple of emotional days and felt like I could use the comfort his presence brings me. To that he replied it’s a bit too late and he would rather leave it till another day because he wants to spend quality time with me. Okay, fine. In the evening I felt rather upset and told him (it wasn’t to do with him I just got a bit emotional) he said that if I wanted to take a break to slow things down then he wouldn’t mind at all if that makes me feel better. I don’t want to take a break so I said it’s fine. Today he didn’t text me nearly all day I left it but I don’t know why felt rather upset about it. So he texted me again the content being the same, still being sweet and respectful and pretty much carrying on the conversation from yesterday etc. He said he had a free evening due to cancelled plans (he sees his mom every Thursday evening) being determined to try to see him to talk to him about how I feel I asked if he wants to come see me today. He sounded very happy about it and said yes, 2 hours later he texts me that his mom now put the plans back on and cancels on me, and he hopes I understand. Of course I do family comes first. But I felt a little bit upset as I was really excited to see him tonight. Okay, fine. But I just feel like I’m making all this effort to give him my time to see me (btw I’m never ever neglecting my son or taking his time away with me from him to see this guy) and he just doesn’t seem keen anymore.

So here is the question , am I being paranoid? Or crazy? I’m being so stupid and almost begging him for attention. Should I ask to see him again and if he cancels or doesn’t seem to want to just drop any contact or should I stop talking to him straight away?

I don’t know if I’m being too emotional or crazy, he keeps saying he has the same feelings for me but it just seems like as of Tuesday onwards he doesn’t give a shit anymore. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong I just don’t know what to do, my mates say not to jump to conclusions but I just don’t know.

I’m sorry for the confusing story but it’s just ripping my mind up atm, wether it’s be being crazy and thinking he is no good. Or is he generally gonna break my heart when I keep putting effort in.

Thank you for any advice guys xxxx

I think you need to forget about him for now and concentrate on getting a healthy relationship with your son. Not wanting to ever leave him is not healthy. You are allowed to go out and have adult time, with friends or on your own. It won't be good for your son. What will you do when he's at school? Do t tie the apron strings too tight.

Unluckyinlove2019

I would run if I dated me too hahah.
No but I did tell him this is what I'm like atm as I need that attention and I'm insecure etc and he seemed to always be alright with that. Maybe it just got to much for him.

I felt like there was a sort of click between us while we were talking (btw my friend gave him my number while he come to my work place and seen me) and I wanted to see what he was like talking to in real life that's why I thought it would be a alright idea to meet him.

I know he just was there to listen and actually gave me a vibe of caring about me maybe that's why I found comfort in him so soon.

Pink bonbon

You are absolutely right about it being a bad idea bringing him to my house but my mom convinced me it was a good idea as I refused to go out and meet him and she knew that I would feel more comfortable being in the house and being able to tend to my son if he needed me.

Well from what people are saying there is nothing to end and it never really begun we have nearly known each other at this point

Inappropriaterasperry

I understand what you saying but due to how my relationship with my ex was I was always there 24/7 for my son and I find it unbearable to leave him sometimes due to the need I have to care for him. I'm hoping to work on it tho as I know time away from each other will be very healthy for us

I think you need to spend some time alone and have counselling to work through the issues from your marriage,

When you decide you do want to meet someone you need to be prepared to spend time getting to know them, go on dates and come at things 50/50. It can't be all on your own terms but at the same time it's not a good idea to get too invested too soon.

Twattymctwatteron

See when I met him I thought I was at a one in my life when I was happy with myself. I'm happy with how I look, with my job, where I live etc. Like I was generally happy and his presence was feeling a void it was just adding a new chapter to my life. I don't know how to exactly explain it but it just felt like he wasn't a missing part he was an addition to my life and I never ever though I would fall so deep for him and I'm ashamed of that as I should know better after a failed marriage.

I understand that but I laid it out clearly to him from the first moment that it's going to be like this, that my son comes first and if I got time to see him I see him and that's it. He always told me he understands and is 100% alright with that.

with a child its not easy to date someone.
i dont think you are very needy. you just want to trust.
but what do you know about this man apart from what he says about himself? maybe he is a player.
i dont think its a good idea your mum letting you have him at her house. it doesnt feel right to me.
i wouldnt chase him anymore, wouldnt invite him again to your mum's house.

Bluebell34567

I do, I'm always gonna struggle to trust someone as what happened to me in the past and I also feel like I need constant reassurance about someone liking me which he did offer me at first through texting me all the time. That thought had also pop into to head as he you seem to always say things that I almost need to hear and at the right time and I don't know wether it's just coincidence or he is actually messing me about and fooling around with other girls at the same time.

I know, I feel bad about having him at my house now. He defo won't be coming around again or I won't be meeting him again at all. I gave him enough chances to see me and he didn't bother, I just needed to post on here to talk to people about it and reassure myself I'm not acting crazy and being over dramatic and he is just being normal if that makes sense .

you arent acting crazy or over dramatic, it just feels like you fell from somewhere when his attention ceased. its normal.
he sounds a bit player, be careful. is it possible for you to know more about him from friends, etc.

Being needy after 2 dates isn't a good sign, for you or him. Get some therapy or talk to good friends. It isn't a solid basis for a relationship

Bluebell234567

Like my work mate said she never seen me smile like that when I was talking about someone and stuff. He really made me feel like I was with someone attention again but in a respectful way so not like flirting or anything. I thought he was a player as well by the way he would kiss me I know this sounds so strange it's almost bizarre but we had this instant connection when we kissed for the first time and that what made me fall for him.

Not at the moment we have no mutual friends and trust me I dug and dug online to find out and I'm good at finding stuff out but I can't find anything on him in particular as he is not very into social media

Hi OP. I echo the PP who have said it sounds like you need to take some time to work on yourself, perhaps through a counsellor.
I'm so sorry to say this, but it sounds like he's just not that into you. You're doing all the chasing, and if he wanted to see you again, he would contact you to ask.
That's great that you now recognise that having this man in your home with your child isn't a good idea.
It sounds to me that you're a bit lonely. Do you have any friends who can provide the emotional support that you were relying on this man for? If not, I would gently recommend you focus your time on making some new friends rather than seeking romantic relationships.
Best of luck for the future, for you and your child, OP.

Rumred

I know I came off as way to needy but I told him this is what I'm gonna be like and he said he is okay with that maybe I should of backed away a little bit yeah but he seemed to want me to be like that forwards to him I don't know.

I defo need therapy and been thinking about it for a while but I just didn't think it was a good idea as I didn't realise my attachment issues and insecurities were that bad untill I fell for him

I don’t like the bit about last minute changes of plan and also cancelling because he is tired when he offered to come to you in the first place. That sounds like what players would do.

I wouldn’t contact him again. When he gets in touch, be nice but don’t get into emotional stuff and wait for him to suggest meet ups / arrange dates.

Other than that, agree with PPs that you need time for yourself and 2 dates aren’t enough to trust someone with your emotions and offload them on him. He won’t tell you it’s too much but he will probably back off.

Glitterandunicorns

I know and I never realised it and I feel stupid for it. I thought I was fine and happy with myself but I must be so messed up.
I agree with that, tho he never asked me to see him at all as I told him I will tell me when I can see him and not to ask me, as I gotta make time for him and meeting up is on my terms.

I never realised how lonely I was tbh. No I have only work mates that I talk to at work I don't socialise when them outside or work at all, I don't even talk to them outside of work.
And thank you

Littlewing80

That's what seemed a bit off to me as if he was as keen as he said he would even appreciate if I could see him for an hour just to see me. And he did at first that's why I got so annoyed about it and thought it's a concern. He knows how hard it is for me to make time for him and then just doesn't care when I do.

I can assure you I won't be contacting him again at all, if he does text me I'm gonna just treat it as a convo as I think after a few days he will just get bored and stop texting me at all with how he is right now.

That's very true I must of been way too needy but that just showed me how not ready I'm to be with someone and in a way even if I got upset over this I know that I'm not ready to be with anyone and work on myself so in a way I'm thankful for that experience as it showed me my flaws and how I can deal with them to make myself happier and be in a better place.

Don’t beat yourself up about it. This is who you are and it’s good to embrace our emotions. It’s also good to be aware of them (which you sound like you are) and also how others can perseve them because we are social animals after all.

I think you’re very self aware and it’sdefinitely a good thing and a step in the right direction of being happy in yourself.

This guy might be genuine, you don’t know but your best ally is time. Watch his actions and keep your guard up a little until you know him better, sadly there are a lot of players around but also some wonderful guys :). Good luck!x

Littlewing80

Yeah I guess I just had to stumble a little again to pick myself back up. I'm glad it happened now as I'm more aware of my emotions and be able to work on myself again instead of just being convinced I'm fine.

I think I'm just gonna put him into mate category if we do carry on talking, he makes me feel too much and I'm easily upset over him so I don't think it's worth it anymore.

Thank you so much

OP, no offence but you are coming across as really clingy and needy. You barely know this man and have met him only twice yet you've made him into some sort of shoulder to lean on. This is all too intense for such early stages.

You need to slow down, you are expecting far too much far too soon. People can have many reasons for being late to reply to messages and can also have prior engagements or things they feel they need to do. You are in early stages where you are still getting to know one another, being this intense and expecting support and someone to constantly be there is what you would expect from a serious relationship. You are not even exclusive.

Learn to relax, you are reading far too much into everything. Also, why not make effort to meet elsewhere? Why does it have to be your home?

Sounds like you need friends much more than a boyfriend.
Dating is hard work. Look after yourself and be kind. It'll come right when the times right

I’m but going to lie, you sounds abit intense, insecure and emotional and Mabey he thinks it’s too much for him.

I feel like he probably isn’t feeling the relationship anymore but because he is a nice guy as you keep saying he is; he just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and doesn’t know how to end things.

Just my opinion

You saw him on Monday. It's only Thursday now.

On Tuesday you asked if he was free Wednesday and he said he'd let you know. That's fine and quite normal. Instead of that you asked him to come round then and there on Tuesday. He said it was a bit short notice.

Later on Wednesday (yesterday) he says that although it is late and he could come round, there isn't much time so he'd rather leave it so he can spend more time with you another day.

Today he would normally spend time with his mum anyway but agreed to see you, but he had to change plans and see his mum after all.

None of that strikes me as him messing you around at all.

You started the relationship by telling him you wanted to take it slowly, and this week you've been constantly asking him to see you, even though he already saw you Monday anyway. You are going way too fast into this and are acting really needy - as you say so yourself. I don't suppose he knows whether he's coming, going or flying a kite (as my mum used to say).

Perhaps you aren't quite ready for a relationship yet.

I'm clingy and needy and I don't hide it and he seemed to accept that

That would be your red flag right there.

What type of man wants a relationship with a woman who is clingy and needy?

Spoiler: an abusive one. Because he knows he can gasllight and manipulate you and pass it all off as "But babe, you know you're not stable."

Jesus. This guy is not messing you about and he's certainly not abusive.
You soung a bit intense and even though you keep saying you told him you were needy perhaps the reality is that he can't deal with it. I know I couldn't.

OP, you sound as if you think you’re making some giant concession by leaving your six year old for a couple of hours, and someone you’ve only met three times just isn’t someone you can or should lean on for reassurance and emotional support. To be blunt, your issues are not his problem. You’re not ready to date.