Am I crazy or is he bad news?

[Annie131]

Hey everyone.

I’m just after some relationship advice now before everyone says I sound crazy here is a bit of a backstory. I’m a single mom of a little boy, his dad wasn’t a very loving person and after 6 years of being together (one year married) we split up for several reasons. He made me feel extremely insecure etc.

A year on and I meet someone, of course I approached with massive caution but he seemed very caring and lovely. I told him straight away I don’t mind texting, taking on a phone etc but I will not meet him for a long time as I don’t think it’s alright to leave my son to go out with someone. I don’t even go out with my work mates for this very reason. After a couple of weeks of texting he was still very understanding, sweet and polite. I felt like it’s no crime to maybe go on a date with him, so I did. We got on amazingly and I started falling for him. I always told him my son comes first so if I don’t make time for him he gotta understand that. We went on a second date. Was also very lovely. He always texted me sweet stuff and became my shoulder to lean on when I needed him, offered me loads of support and became my comfort when I seen him. So this Monday I seen him for the 3rd time, at my house (I live with my parents but it was their idea to invite him so we could have some privacy etc). We did NOT have sex as he is very respectful in this matter and wants to wait a bit longer to make it more special for us. Anyways next day his texting during the day decreased a little bit (he always would send me an early good morning text) however the content stayed the same. So Tuesday I asked if he was free Wednesday, he said he wasn’t sure and was gonna let me know, so I suggested wether he would wanna come around now he said it was too much of a short notice. Okay, fine. Wednesday he didn’t let me know if he was still free so I waited and then asked. Eventually when he replied it was a bit late but asked me if I still want him to come over, I said of course. I been going through a couple of emotional days and felt like I could use the comfort his presence brings me. To that he replied it’s a bit too late and he would rather leave it till another day because he wants to spend quality time with me. Okay, fine. In the evening I felt rather upset and told him (it wasn’t to do with him I just got a bit emotional) he said that if I wanted to take a break to slow things down then he wouldn’t mind at all if that makes me feel better. I don’t want to take a break so I said it’s fine. Today he didn’t text me nearly all day I left it but I don’t know why felt rather upset about it. So he texted me again the content being the same, still being sweet and respectful and pretty much carrying on the conversation from yesterday etc. He said he had a free evening due to cancelled plans (he sees his mom every Thursday evening) being determined to try to see him to talk to him about how I feel I asked if he wants to come see me today. He sounded very happy about it and said yes, 2 hours later he texts me that his mom now put the plans back on and cancels on me, and he hopes I understand. Of course I do family comes first. But I felt a little bit upset as I was really excited to see him tonight. Okay, fine. But I just feel like I’m making all this effort to give him my time to see me (btw I’m never ever neglecting my son or taking his time away with me from him to see this guy) and he just doesn’t seem keen anymore.

So here is the question , am I being paranoid? Or crazy? I’m being so stupid and almost begging him for attention. Should I ask to see him again and if he cancels or doesn’t seem to want to just drop any contact or should I stop talking to him straight away?

I don’t know if I’m being too emotional or crazy, he keeps saying he has the same feelings for me but it just seems like as of Tuesday onwards he doesn’t give a shit anymore. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong I just don’t know what to do, my mates say not to jump to conclusions but I just don’t know.

I’m sorry for the confusing story but it’s just ripping my mind up atm, wether it’s be being crazy and thinking he is no good. Or is he generally gonna break my heart when I keep putting effort in.

Thank you for any advice guys xxxx

What type of man wants a relationship with a woman who is clingy and needy?

Spoiler: an abusive one. Because he knows he can gasllight and manipulate you and pass it all off as "But babe, you know you're not stable."

Was just about to post a similar observation. You really need to work on this, OP, before you end up in a dangerous situation.

OP, can I also suggest that you don't tell any new men that you date that you are insecure and needy up front. Just don't tell them anything like that. Keep it light, keep conversation about light topics. Let them get to know you slowly, and vice versa. Read self help books about empowerment and overcoming insecurities. Widen your interests and hobbies. Find friends through an evening class perhaps. You are creating a claustrophobic world and it will attract abusive men unless you make changes to your behaviour and outlook.

Maybe he's deciding that you're too much like hard work? Someone you've recently started speaking to and only met a couple of times shouldn't have to provide so much comfort and support. Dating, and the early stages of relationships, are supposed to be fun. Also, maybe a grown man doesn't want to visit you at your parents' house when he's only met you three times. It all sounds a bit much and also like you need to get your head on a bit straighter before you really start dating.

You’re the one with the issue here and he’s certainly not abusive.

If he’s never been in a relationship with a woman who is needy before then he probably didn’t realise quite what he was getting into.

Added to which, you had him round at your house? With your child somewhere in the same house with your parents so you could “tend to your son if he needed you” So exactly how would that have worked if your DS had needed you? Would you have hidden the bloke away so your DS didn’t see him? An understandable reaction but still one which could easily send this man running for the hills.

When me and my DP were first getting together he stayed over one night when my DS was at his dad’s. I knew that he wasn’t going to be in the house so there was no issue there. However, my eXH brought him round in the morning to pick up something and I had to get him to stay in one room while I dealt with DS. I absolutely didn’t want to risk him meeting my DS before anyone was ready for that to happen, and I felt terrible about it because here I was having brought him round to my house while my DS wasn’t even there and still expecting him to hide when DS did appear.

It’s one thing agreeing not to meet the kids until your partner is ready for that to happen. It’s quite another to be brought into those children’s home while they’re still there and be expected to keep a low profile. I wouldn’t ever have agreed to go round to your house in the first place, so I can absolutely understand why he might not have been comfortable with that, and why it could possibly have dawned on him that he could have months and months of this being your little secret expecting to duck out of the way whenever the DC appear.

That’s a far cry from expecting to be understanding of a the fact that the DC come first and e.g. leaving a date early or not being able to come out.

Likely he agreed to come to yours the first time without really thinking about the implications of doing that.

I suspect that the relationship is over for him here, but if he is a nice bloke then he probably can’t think of a way to end it which doesn’t sound horrible.

If you effectively told him 'hey I'm going to be really clingy and needy but you'll need to just deal with it' then it stands to reason he's gonna back off, regardless of whether he said he didn't mind at the time.

Only a wrong un wouldn't back off at that!

You’ve said you’re not putting him first so why do you expect him to put you first?

He's playing you and you're falling for it hook line and sinker. Block the fecker.

Maybe he's deciding that you're too much like hard work?

That’s what I think. From what you’ve written, I don’t think he’s bad news.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. If anything you are the one messing him around by saying you can't see him much and then being quite intense with meeting up arrangements.

Also, just because you told him you are clingy and needy doesn't make it ok. You need to address your own issues and behaviour.

Why does a relative stranger provide you with so much comfort?

Also, you need to let go of the 'mum' guilt- it's not healthy to bring up a child like that.

It sounds like he was being polite saying he didn’t mind the neediness/child/not going out but in reality he’s not keen.

You seem to think that having a child entitles you to be the one controlling the relationship, you tell him initially you will only do texts and phone calls, then when you meet you ask to see him every night, at your parents house, with your child in bed? How is that fun for him? You say when you make time for him he doesn't always accept, why should he? Should he be sat waiting for you to click your fingers and he go running?
It's all well and good being a good mum but you sound intense both in your relationship with your son and the new man. Yes your son should come first, that's a given, you don't need to tell the man that. But don't expect him to jump every time you demand to see him. I'm sure he also has other priorities and things to do?
I'd see your behaviour as very unfair and controlling and run a mile too.

OP I am single parent and have a dp.

I actually met dp within days of separating from my husband but did start dating him until almost a year later.

I understand your guilt in leaving your son and the neediness and clingy behaviour. However, you shouldnt be dating until you over come them.

Your child I believe is already 6? In another 6 years (if not before) he will be starting to branch out on his own. He will be in secdinasry school and wanting to spend time with friends etc.

If you carry in with this 'I cant do anything else than go to work'. 2 things will happen. You will be miserable. There is nothing wrong with a single parent taking some time out for themseleves. For a hobby, a date, dinner with friends, to go for a run etc

The other is When your son starts depending in you less and less, you will find this very hard and be clingy with your son when he starts wanting his own space. You dont want to end up smothering him.

You will then be looking for friends/ dates hobbies etc.

Personally, I would knock any dating on the head for now and cultivating some friendships. Through work or a hobby or something. Take some time out for yourself.

Work through your clingy and neediness issues at the same time. But dont worry about dating until you feel that you can date for fun without becoming emotionally dependent on someone instantly.

Personally I think what's happened is this all feels a bit much for this man. You told him you woildnt meet him, but then you did and now it's always got to be at your parents house. Someone dating a single parent should know they wont have loads of free time or that the kids will come first.

But you basically wont date this man properly ever. Most peoples vision of the early days of a relationship is not sat in your parents house every evening. Plus the needing him emotionally, will put people off when they have had chance to think about it. Wheres the fun? Sat in your parents house while you offload to him.

Pps are right, some men will take advantage of it and they tend to be abusive. I dont think he is. Because at this stage he woild be love bombing you and giving you everything you need to make you cling and depend on him more. He is, instead, backing off.

But abusive men do tend to be able to spot vulnerable be everything the woman needs and then become abusive.

If you cant help being like this, you arent ready to date. But you do need something for you.

You hardly know this man, you need to take the pressure off!

I think it was way too soon to be taking him to your house (and meet your parents?). I had been with my husband for 6 months before he met mine!

Why can't you ask your parents to babysit when your son is asleep and then go out for a couple of hours? The early stages of dating should be fun, not sitting in the house with your parents!

He may well be messing you around a bit because he is a bit uncomfortable sitting in your parents home and doesn't like to say?

Op you are not ready for a relationship. You swing from ‘don’t expect me to make time for you’ (you can make time for someone and still prioritise your relationship with your son) to needing constant reassurance about his feelings for you. All this after a couple of dates.

My advice to him would be that as lovely as you sound, you have a lot of issues that need addressing first.

You hardly knows this man and that rush of excitement that comes with someone new is great, the problems arise when you require that level of intensity to be maintained.

He's not into you.

Just echoing everyone else really - you say you approached this with 'massive caution', but you really haven't.

At the 3 date point, there is no need to be sharing how clingy and needy you are, because this person is a stranger. You have basically been asking a stranger to provide you with emotional support.

A healthy man would walk right away. So guess what sort of man you are going to end up with if you carry on as you are? That's right - an abuser.

I think this article will really help, and it's from a great website if you are dating www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-is-a-discovery-phase-where-you/

I don't want to ask my parents to babysit as I feel like I failed as mom if I do as my son should be my whole world and I shouldn't want to go out
How old are you?
Of course you want to go out.
Why wouldn't you?
You will not have failed as a parent if your DS nan and granddad look after him while you go out and enjoy yourself.
Having a child does NOT mean that YOUR life has to end.
Everything in moderation.
I think your Ex was probably abusive and he has made you believe this bullshit.
Are you in the UK?