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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help embarrassing situation

74 replies

picallili90 · 25/07/2019 10:03

This is the most embarrassing thing i will ever write.

i have been with DP for 10 years, always had a healthy sex life, the past year stuff has not been good, accusations of me cheating (i'm as innocent as a nun literally), however this really is not helping.
He always tells me that my down below has gone 'loose' and he can't really feel inside anymore which is why he thinks i'm having sex with someone with a massive willy! (may i add it doesn't take him long to finish so can't be that bad)
I can also add that i have noticed it gets very wet but most positions i can still feel it just fine! maybe its different for a man.
I even went to the doctors over this to try and get an answer or insight.
The doctor asked me if i do pelvic floor exercises or have put weight on recently.
I have never done pelvic floor exercises and because of all the stress in the past year i have put 6 stone out of the 7 i lost the year before all back on! (the shame).
She confirmed this will be why mixed with the fact i have had a child.

He still doesn't believe me but i have no effort in me to lose weight again to prove that it will go back to normal i'm so ashamed Sad i feel so insecure about it.
I'm just wondering if anyone else is willing to share with me that their down below has changed over years and i'm not abnormal Blush

OP posts:
ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 25/07/2019 10:15

Please do not do a thing to your body just to appease this dickhead and prove you're not having sex with a well endowed man. That is fucking ridiculous. You pushed a whole human being out of there! Of course things change. Things also change with age. I'm nothing like the 22 year old that my husband met many, many years ago.

EmmaC78 · 25/07/2019 10:18

You DP sounds very insensitive. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. The human body changes over the years, especially after childbirth. It's just fact and he needs to get used to it. He is the problem here not you.

Original poster
picallili90 · 25/07/2019 10:38

thats whats most embarrassing i'm only 24, I know he is an absolute idiot anyway but its for my insecurity too i needed to know i'm not abnormal. It did literally happen as i started putting weight on so i know its probably that because the doctor said the more weight you carry the more it pushes down on your pelvic or something,
Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Work12 · 25/07/2019 10:44

Omg tell him to grow up and stop being so insecure. Tell him maybe his willy has shrunk and that's why you feel looser!!

Honestly tell him straight one more time that you haven't cheated and if he mistrusts you again then you won't put up with it anymore!

What a weirdo!

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 11:19

These are 2 separate issues.

The weight issue. My advice is to sort for yourself. 6 stone in a year is a big amount and its having a physical impact on your body. I am not judging, but you need to do something for you. But only for you.

Your dh however, is a dickhead. Honestly, my exh started like this. Really odd things he would notice, that were signs I was having an affair. I smelt different when he hugged me was one. He found a receipt for a a petrol station I didnt usually use, he could accept that I went to that one because they also had a supermarket and picked stuff up for tea. It wasnt miles out of the way or anything. Just one on the way home I didnt normally go to.

And apparantly my body just 'felt different' to him was proof that I was cheating.

The more this went on, the less I wanted to have him near me. That again was proof I was getting it elsewhere.

It sent him into some sort of breakdown. He ended up sexually assaulting me in my sleep. When I kicked off, that was proof I didnt want him. He would coherse me into sex. He would insist on sex and if I said no, my life would be hell until I gave in. I left the marriage. He even admitted he forced me to have sex because he felt like having sex with me was marking his territory. So basically it was like a dog pissing. He didnt see me as a person, he saw me as an object that was his to own and do what he wanted

OP, I believe your husband is already abusing you and I believe it will get worse. I also believe that if you got rid of him, you weight wouldn't be an issue. You would be happier and less stressed and I bet it would come off.

TremblingFanjo · 25/07/2019 11:21

Google porn death grip. It's not you, it's him.

Original poster
picallili90 · 25/07/2019 11:21

if only it was that easy Sad it has been going on for a year, leaving just makes him give up on life, i defend myself until i'm worn out but unfortunately nothing changes his mind.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 25/07/2019 11:22

Do you feel responsible for him and that makes you think you can't leave?

Original poster
picallili90 · 25/07/2019 11:28

your exactly right @Hidingwhoiam your words gave me goosebumps, a few days ago i was getting dressed in my bedroom i shut the curtains and he stood in front of me, when i only had my bra on he flashed the curtains open and said haha shes mine 'jokingly', but really he thinks people i'm 'cheating' with look into our window so wanted them to see he was with me while i was undressed!

OP posts:
Original poster
picallili90 · 25/07/2019 11:30

absolutely i do! he has no friends (neither do i but have an amazing family) and his family he knows are all 'on my side' they all know i wouldn't cheat however i know they would still support him if i left but he wouldn't want it so would be completely alone and do something stupid.

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 11:33

You are not responsible for him.

He doesnt get to abuse you and you have to stay because he will do something stupid.

That's cohesive control right there 'I will treat you how I want and you cant leave or I will kill myself'.

You are being abused. It doesnt get better. It gets worse.

Do you want your child growing up seeing this?

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 11:35

And it woildnt surprise me if part of this is a guilty conscience. I am guessing he has probably cheated or come close and he assumes if he could, you could too.

Original poster
picallili90 · 25/07/2019 11:38

No i don't and its horrible that i keep on going with it but i don't know what to do i'm so lost i'd have to leave my job because he knows i'm alone a lot and i know he'd come and see me, i just feel like i can't get the strength to leave and live my life in fear and anxious of him especially as he'd have contact with DS so forever be in my life if he didn't end up doing something to himself.

OP posts:
00Sassy · 25/07/2019 11:45

Your partner sounds really paranoid and is abusing you because he doesn’t know how to his issues.

The paranoia is his problem, not yours.
Don’t put up with his shit!

(Does he smoke weed at all?)

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 11:45

You need to speak to womens aid. And keep notes and any evidence of his abuse.

You also need to get back to work. You need to get everything ready to get to leave.

He is very seriously abusing you. To the point you left your job out of fear. What he is doing is a criminal offence.

00Sassy · 25/07/2019 11:53

Sorry that should say he doesn’t know how to deal with his issues.

FinallyHere · 25/07/2019 11:53

He doesnt get to abuse you and you have to stay because he will do something stupid.

This ^ exactly this, Wot @Hidingwhoiam said

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

You are not alone with this, there is practical help out there in real life ^ and tonnes of emotional support here in MN

WhenPushComesToShove · 25/07/2019 12:11

To isolate and undermine is classic. Please see your own worth and end this abusive relationship. You have a great family, can you stay with them or have someone stay with you? Tell everyone including police what you are going through and how afraid you are. He's destroying you to prop himself up. Don't let you son grow up believing this is how men are. Very best of luck to you

Original poster
picallili90 · 25/07/2019 12:20

Thank you for all your words, I haven't left my job i still work but if i left him i would have to leave my job in fear that he would keep coming to see me, i have spoken to victim support on the phone and she gave me some phone numbers but i underplayed what was happening as she mentioned doing a risk assessment to check safety and the police.
I think i'm just afraid to go it alone and suffer the repercussions which are completely unknown and scary.

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 12:28

OP, I upped and left.

Honestly, exh did follow me. I saw him. If I didnt see him he would call me and let me know. I called the police.

I ended up with a non molestation order. That's also helped with him not getting 50:50 the kids. He doesnt really bother that much.

Fact is, is that he is a bully and often when the realise you have engaged the authorities they go away. No always, so when you leave, contact the police everyone he pushes the boundaries.

Also speak to your employer. So they are aware.

ThatCurlyGirl · 25/07/2019 12:35

On top of him being horrendously abusive and controlling, some elements of this sound like a psychotic episode (such as thinking people are looking into the window etc) in addition to this.

This means he is even less safe to be around.

You are not safe. Best case, he doesn't physically hurt you but grinds down your esteem gaslights you and makes you isolated and under his control. Worst case all of the above PLUS physical violence.

Come on OP - you're worth more than this. What would you tell your daughter to do?

You need to get out and get safe Thanks

Mythologies · 25/07/2019 12:36

If you look at this book, you will see that, when they got together and talked, ALL the women on the Freedom Programme said their partners had sexually demeaned them - whatever their weight and wether they had had children or not.
Please read it.

Widowodiw · 25/07/2019 12:37

Ffs tell him to bollocks and pack his bags. He has zero respect for you whatsoever.

SquirellTamer · 25/07/2019 12:38

Echoing what a PP said. Is he a weed smoker?

picklemepopcorn · 25/07/2019 13:02

What kind of work do you do? Can you speak to your employer about making it safer for you? You shouldn't think about leaving your job because of him- he is not allowed to behave like this.

Keep records, get help, get away from him.