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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help embarrassing situation

74 replies

picallili90 · 25/07/2019 10:03

This is the most embarrassing thing i will ever write.

i have been with DP for 10 years, always had a healthy sex life, the past year stuff has not been good, accusations of me cheating (i'm as innocent as a nun literally), however this really is not helping.
He always tells me that my down below has gone 'loose' and he can't really feel inside anymore which is why he thinks i'm having sex with someone with a massive willy! (may i add it doesn't take him long to finish so can't be that bad)
I can also add that i have noticed it gets very wet but most positions i can still feel it just fine! maybe its different for a man.
I even went to the doctors over this to try and get an answer or insight.
The doctor asked me if i do pelvic floor exercises or have put weight on recently.
I have never done pelvic floor exercises and because of all the stress in the past year i have put 6 stone out of the 7 i lost the year before all back on! (the shame).
She confirmed this will be why mixed with the fact i have had a child.

He still doesn't believe me but i have no effort in me to lose weight again to prove that it will go back to normal i'm so ashamed i feel so insecure about it.
I'm just wondering if anyone else is willing to share with me that their down below has changed over years and i'm not abnormal

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 25/07/2019 14:37

Ask him if he's seeing his girlfriend for see and wait for him to shit himself,

Seriously, leave.

Original poster

picallili90 · 25/07/2019 14:42

Great i'm going to have to delete this thread, he wanted me to take a pic of a customers van because i didn't reply to his text because i was with a customer, but the picture has a very dark mumsnet in the back so he will now be searching MN later when he sees the picture! sorry thank you everyone i am taking your advice on board!!

OP posts:

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 14:45

personally, I would say 'why is your girlfriend round and you want some more time with her?'

Although to be fair, when I was at your point I wouldnt have.

OP you need to leave him asap. If he has your son and is contemplating fighting a neighbour your son is unsafe.

I think you need to speak to work. Go get your son. Call womens aid and tell them you are leaving and he is threatening to go our an fight a neighbour out of paranoia.

My father was in the police and escorted lots of abused women out of their house along with womens aid.

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 14:46

OP you need to leave asap.

ThatCurlyGirl · 25/07/2019 15:21

Please call women's aid. They won't rush you or force you to do anything but they will help however you need. Good luck OP sorry you're going through this

SkydivingKittyCat · 25/07/2019 15:45

Is this the kind of relationship that you want to model for your son? If you can't leave for you, leave for his sake.

SunshineCake · 25/07/2019 15:54

Why did you take the photo? Can you not see how abusive and controlling he is being ?

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 17:19

You're choosing to continue enabling his abuse of you - and also putting innocent people in danger by sending him their pics/details.

Original poster

picallili90 · 26/07/2019 09:40

i know i'm sorry i'm such a bad person, but i think i've had enough now, last night he asked me how it feels to be a sla*
he also said again no wonder your fa**ys baggy.

enough is enough he's ill this morning so i've brought DS to work, and am promising myself to leave this weekend.

OP posts:

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 09:49

You arent a bad person. You hoped this would change.

Personally, if I had ds with me, I wouldn't go back.

Original poster

picallili90 · 26/07/2019 09:54

thanks i suppose i did, I haven't got anything with me, clothes, documents i've not even got my bank card so i couldn't not go back now.

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 26/07/2019 09:57

I'm glad you've made that decision. Is there anyone you can take with you to collect your stuff? Ideally so you don't need to go back at all.

user1479305498 · 26/07/2019 10:16

He is mentally unstable, probably all that weed, do you know if he has used coke? A person I know who had paranoia to this degree was also a coke user. Get yourself out safely OP, this won’t end well

WhenPushComesToShove · 26/07/2019 11:02

What is the fear that keeps you there? Are you not more frightened by what your son will learn to consider 'normal'? You do know if he kills himself that's up to him and I'm sorry I'm just going to say this, it sounds like he'd be doing you a favour. The truth is though people like him only threaten these things as a way of controlling you. Being so emotionally battered makes it hard for you to think straight which is exactly why you need to have your own space to see what's actually going on and get the support you need.

FinallyHere · 26/07/2019 11:20

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be feeling pretty full on. Be kind to yourself, you really deserve it. You do not deserve to be controlled by him.

As for him using the threat of suicide to control you, please know that if you do leave, he is statistically much, much more likely to find someone else than to do away with himself. It's part of the 'script'.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

There is a pdf version for free which I can't just find now. Someone else will know

Original poster

picallili90 · 26/07/2019 12:15

thank you that would be really good to read @FinallyHere

the fear is having to hand over our DS to him every day, last time i left he asked me if he could have full custody of him and i can see him whenever i wanted! i obviously said no and said i'd maybe agree on half the week each when he got himself sorted but he said the only thing that will stop him feeling like hurting himself would be our DS.4
So i'm worried about that again now he will probably want to see DS every day, even if for an hour or 2.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 26/07/2019 12:21

You do have rights, he can't for his wishes on you.
As said is there anyone you trust who will help?

madja · 26/07/2019 12:24

Here's the link for the free download of the book mentioned above - why does he do that?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Download it if you can and have a read.
I've been where you are, I left, and you can too. I know it's scary, but don't let him do this anymore!

FinallyHere · 26/07/2019 13:55

Part of the 'script' is that he will say whatever he knows will get to you.

Example in point wanting to have full custody. In practise, he might request this and want to do it to avoid having to pay any maintenance. In practise, parenting will be much too much like hard work, he really won't follow through on this (or any other) threat.

thequeenoftarts · 26/07/2019 22:00

Nor would a man who is threatening suicide be even getting to see my son, not even for an hour or two. You see this is why you need to report and document his treats and actions to the police, so you can in turn protect your son.

So just how long will it be that when your poor little boy doesn't fall into line, that his Father punishes him by threatening to kill himself and tells your son it will all be down to him.

PS so what if your fanny is baggy lol, mine most likely is too, but it still does the job in hand...Are you really going to believe anything that lying belittling toad says to you? If tat bollix said it was raining I would want an affidavit signed by God before I trusted him.
Get out, stay out, keep you and your little son safe and good luck xxxx

spacedone · 26/07/2019 23:35

You can't use your son as a tool to keep him alive. That gives him the same control he has in the relationship. You have to realise he's not going to kill himself, and even if he did there's nothing you could do to stop it. It's incredibly controlling and it has to stop. You don't even have to agree to 50/50.

Tell him it's every other weekend, see a solicitor and go from there. Don't be drawn in to his manipulation.

spacedone · 26/07/2019 23:36

Actually I agree with pp. I would be reporting his threats and not allowing access.

WhenPushComesToShove · 27/07/2019 00:16

Nothing on Earth would make me leave my young DS with an emotionally abusive stoner who threatens to kill himself and I bet that's what a solicitor would tell you when you go for your free half hour consultation as you should. Ring the Women's Refuge and chat to someone, they will help you with everything you need

Mermaidsinthesand · 27/07/2019 14:01

This thread is very disturbing

OP please leave safely and quietly, go back get all the documents you need before he knows your leaving.

Once left go NC with him, dont agree to any custody just yet get yourself sorted first. You must go NC as I fear he will manipulate you back, or use his custody of his child as a bargaining chip by refusing to hand him back over. You need support from social services to arrange and set out boundaries for contact.

Stay safe OP I dont care if he has death grip, weed addiction one thing I can say is he aint right in the head

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