help embarrassing situation

[picallili90]

This is the most embarrassing thing i will ever write.

i have been with DP for 10 years, always had a healthy sex life, the past year stuff has not been good, accusations of me cheating (i'm as innocent as a nun literally), however this really is not helping.
He always tells me that my down below has gone 'loose' and he can't really feel inside anymore which is why he thinks i'm having sex with someone with a massive willy! (may i add it doesn't take him long to finish so can't be that bad)
I can also add that i have noticed it gets very wet but most positions i can still feel it just fine! maybe its different for a man.
I even went to the doctors over this to try and get an answer or insight.
The doctor asked me if i do pelvic floor exercises or have put weight on recently.
I have never done pelvic floor exercises and because of all the stress in the past year i have put 6 stone out of the 7 i lost the year before all back on! (the shame).
She confirmed this will be why mixed with the fact i have had a child.

He still doesn't believe me but i have no effort in me to lose weight again to prove that it will go back to normal i'm so ashamed i feel so insecure about it.
I'm just wondering if anyone else is willing to share with me that their down below has changed over years and i'm not abnormal

OP when i was your age I was trapped in a similar relationship.

You don't have to live like this. You could have a WONDERFUL life. What dreams and ambitions do you have?

yes he is a weed smoker, he stopped 6 years ago but re started 2 years ago, i left him about 2 months ago for a week, i only came back because he was going to kill himself and he knows this, i tell myself next time he says it i'll say go for it because i think he thrives off knowing that i won't leave because of that,
He quit weed when i came back but i found a spec of weed 2 days ago in the kitchen and when i confronted him he said don't make me go in a mood when i've just woke up in a good one' so that was it now he knows i hate the stuff but is back to smoking it again.
I think it's because i know he's on antidepressants and seeking therapy that's what keeps making me feel sorry for him like i know that he's not himself anymore and he 'can't help it', i even asked victim support if its really domestic abuse when the abuser has MH issues and she said shes not sure.
I am such such such a people pleaser it's unreal and i'm struggling so bad with thinking about how upset my mum will be and also if i stay with her not wanting him to start terrorising her house, also thinking about if i leave and have to leave work i'll be leaving them in the shit because their going on holiday soon and need me to work and then also thinking about DP's feeling constantly i never ever think about myself and it annoys me, i have zero money to just run away which is my dream! and i have been keeping record of his actions for about 2 weeks now so that's a step in the right direction i hope?
i'm so sorry i don't just go home and leave it must be so frustrating for all you, if i had a friend in this situation i would drag her away and i sometimes hope that will happen to me or someone will hear him and ring the police or something.

Leave him!

Weed smoking came into my mind too. Massive cause/exacerbatoer of paranoia.

"Do what I want or I'll kill myself" is a textbook abuser's line.

You are not safe with him OP.

First step is to confide in your family. You don't have to mention your vagina specifically

Just tell them about the irrational jealousy and controlling behaviour.

Dont be to tough on yourself. This is hard for you. Firstly you must consider only two people. Yourself and your DS. Thats it. Priority.
Please follow the advice given here and ring womens aid. You are in an abusive relationship and you must leave. Do not consider the feelings of others at this point. Or your partners threats. Blinkers on and make moves to extracate yourself and DS. There is help out there and we will ALL be holding your hand.

It absolutely is abuse even if they have mental health problems.

My exh had counselling. She felt so sorry for him. Told him that he didnt trust me because left him for someone else years before and we had never sorted it out.

That's not true. We split, he believed I was seeing someone, but I wasnt. He lied to her and she reinforced his thoughts that it was all me. She told him we needed to be open with eachother, he decided he had the right to go through my pockets, my phone, listen into conversations, linked my phone e to his laptop so he cound track me and question me.

My stomach used to sink when he would ask 'where have you been today?' Beacsue that not what he was asking. Wheat he was asking is 'when did you go I the shopping centre next to you office at lunch time and not text me to tell me'. Yes, if I left my office I had to tell him. I once went to do a home visit for an employee who had a very larger operation. I told him I was going out of the office for a bit. He turned up at her house a few days later to check an older woman lived there. Not a man.

Being open and honest simply meant total control over me.

Leave and call the police if he threatens to kill himself. Also place a call to adult social services. This will all help you keep your child away from him as he is a danger to you and the child.

And the fact that he is smoking weed means he doesnt give a shit about the impact on you.

And the fact that he is smoking weed means he doesnt give a shit about the impact on you.

Let that sink in. He only cares about himself. Time for you to take care of you and your DS.

Can you start putting money aside ready for when you are ready to leave OP?

Oh dear that's awful, your so brave to leave!
I think i'm in the predicament of do i up and leave one morning before he wakes up and go to my mums, or do i up and leave one morning and try to get in a refuge or do i pluck up the courage to ring the police while hes going off on one which i'm mad at because there's been 2 occasions now where i have had to get his parents to come and help me and i could of called the police while they occupied him.
I'm scared of the unknown i don't like thinking that i don't know what will happen when i leave.
But i'm going insane inside and can feel my anxiety of not wanting to go out alone creeping back in now.

Op he's got you scared to go to work, scared he'll kill himself, scared to stay with your mum. You are not responsible for his actions. You are not responsible for his mental health.

You can leave, you can be safe. You can keep your job. But you need to tell authorities if he harasses you or follows you or makes you feel unsafe in any way. Tell them now in fact that you are scared of him and ask for advice on leaving.

Do you know i've started day dreaming about half of my day, and my day dreams are my life away from him, i make friends with my old best friend and tell her that it wasnt me pushing her away not really, and then we are crying and then a few days later we are laughing and i want it to be true but then i come back to real life with a tear in my eye knowing its just not that easy, I had a child with the man i will never get away from him really and this is what stops me because whats the point if i will never get a happy ending anyway

Lots of us have left abusive men. You are not alone. The first step is telling someone in real life.

If he threatens to kill himself that's on him, not you. You are not responsible for him op. Keep repeating that.

i'm scared that the police will take him away for a few hours but then he'll just be even more mad. Hes very very good at manipulating me into doing what's for best for him, but not the best for me.

You can have a happy ending.

I am still have to deal with exh occassionally. But I have my own little gone and am happy 99% of the time. I have friends and a life. I dont have to excuse myself or tell anyone where I am 24/7.

It's so much better. Its important you report that he is threatening to kill himself and that he is smoking weed. The more evidence you have the better it will be.

OP your daydreams are your mind screaming at you. You are risking your own mental health here. Please just get away. Women's aid will advise you on all these issues.

I knew he was a stoner from your first post. He is a paranoid and abusive man. I lived through the same thing for years, constant daily accusations of me cheating meant I had to fucking video where I was as proof all the time and that wasn't even enough.

I escaped at 23. You are 24. You need to leave. You could go down to a size 6 and he would not change, it will probably become worse. He is doing what he can to make you feel like shit. Please leave.

i don't know what will happen when i leave
It cant be as bad as what will happen if you stay. Try not to fill in all the gaps in the 'big 'picture', you dont have to have all the answers. Or even any of the answers. You just take things one step at a time and deal with each next step as it comes. You can do this I promise.

Is your partner a gynecologist?! If so he needs the sack.
If you were hypothetically having sex with a man with a ginormous appendage then your vagina would probably get tighter. It is a muscle so if it's worked it'll get stronger.

@Hidingwhoiam i feel like your my inspiration! Do you have any previous threads about your previous life i could read?

Thank you i know i deserve better and inside i am screaming to just run but for some reason i just give up, i admit defeat and feel like if i stay the only person getting harmed is me, but if i leave i'm hurting him, taking my DS from his 'best daddy ever', putting pressure on his family and wasting police time, how can i change my mindset i'm just such a scared person i'm scared of my own footsteps at the moment i nearly had a heart attack yesterday because i tripped over my dress on the floor and a metal button clinked on a ladder!

i try to say i'll take pictures too so he believes where i am but he says i'll just change the time on my phone or edit videos!
I am going to do this trust me i just need to gather my plan of action and prepare myself for the fallout

I was originally coming on to say that everything changed for me after my first child, then it all changed again after the second.

As I started reading more I was going to suggest he was projecting on you. Ie he is the one having an affair, and just projecting on you. (If you haven’t heard of it, read up on it. It’s a thing)

Now I am just going to say that your son is being taught how to treat you, and then treat his own partner in the future.

You don’t deserve to feel like you do within the walls of your own home.

And

Don’t be afraid of the future without him. Because at this stage, the fear of the unknown is way way better than what you are going through now.

i feel like your my inspiration! Do you have any previous threads about your previous life i could read?

I posted once, he found it (didnt know he had my phone linked to the laptop) and turned up at my office. I went put. My boss and a few male colleagues went out. Exh grabbed me and my boss nearly decked him

It was mortifying so I didnt post again. And name change regularly. But you are welcome to message me anytime.

I am glad to inspire you. I didnt leave until I was 35. Married forb15 years together 18 years and 2 kids. If you get out sooner, I will be happy that me staying so long and it getting so bad helped one person get out sooner.

He isnt the beat daddy ever. And your dd will either growing hating him or grow up like him. If he grows up hating him, he could blame you for staying. You change your mindset by realising staying is not in your childs interest.

i must be a mug, i don't know whats wrong with me i don't know why i still go along with it.
I am at work and he has been texting me a load of rubbish, 'why do you always look like you've just got home when you wake me up!!'
Hes now going on saying the downstairs neighbour is 'watching' him so he's going to tell him straight today and probably try and fight him, i said do what you like as long as DS is with you, His respond was 'you can get the bus home'.
He knows i have anxiety and hate buses in this heat! i said great thanks and he said or get your boyfriend to give you a lift.

If you can go to your mums go there so as to not take a place in the refuge from someone who has nowhere to go and is in danger.

Nothing will change to it's a put up and shut up or leave.