How to deal with DH with anxiety/ OCD and depression over the summer holidays?

[StillWaitingForYou]

My DH can’t function at all without me. He has elaborate OCD rituals which impact everything and I’ve fallen in the trap of becoming part of the rituals. We thought it was a good idea at the time for me to count things for him and reassure that he’d done each ‘step’ so that he could move on. It made the process quicker, otherwise it was taking nearly 5 hours just for him to go to the toilet, brush his teeth and wash his hands. With my help, it now takes ‘only’ 1 hour. However it has morphed so that I make all his food, drinks, help him shower - basically everything. I have had to take time off work to care for him.

Obviously we now know this was the ‘wrong’ thing to do. I have told him repeatedly that he needs to do it himself. He knows this - he has had therapy already.

The problem is he has an extremely stubborn personality. He just won’t even try. Everything I do is wrong. He won’t get out of bed unless I keep asking him to. But then he shouts that I’m nagging him. If I leave him alone he won’t do it at all. He says he wants me to encourage him, but I’m not doing it the right way.

DC are on holidays. If I take them out he gets upset and angry that I’ve left him alone in bed. But then he won’t speak and just ignores me if I ask him when he is getting up.

I need some advice from people who have had anxiety/ocd themselves or have a partner with it. Should I just leave him to it and let him get angry and struggle with things by himself? Or should I be more gentle and do what he wants? Which approach it more effective?

When I stop helping him he calls me mean, vindictive, controlling and says I like seeing him suffer. He really seems to believe that, which obviously makes it worse as he then thinks he is alone and not supported.

We have had therapy. He knows all the information and what to do. He is not on medication, he can’t contemplate taking it because one of the potential side effects is vomiting/neausea which is his biggest fear in the first place!

So I need advice on how to deal with this in the best way, so that he is encouraged (forced?) to make changes or to just take his lead which means me and the DC spending most of our time at home ☹️

Oh my god how can you live like this?! I would be ending the relationship!
He's had advice, therapy, been offered medication, and refused it all. Instead he's using his OCD to beat you with.
What do you think your children are learning from you and him?

Take your children away from this unbearable life. I feel for the man but this will truly blight their childhoods. How can you possibly think they are ok living like this?

I could not live like that. Even more importantly I would not subject my children to that. You have to think of them. That probably will mean that you leave him. How old are your children?

OP, I know you meant well by helping him with his ocd rituals etc, but in fact you have simply been enabling him.
Is he in employment? How does he get to work on time? If not, are you having to financially support him and the family single handed?
The current situation is untenable long term, and must be a nightmare for you and the DC.
I’d recommend you take a step back from your involvement. It’s the holidays - simply tell DH that you and the DC are going to the beach/park/whatever tomorrow, and he is welcome to join you if he is ready by the time you set off.
If he’s still in bed or the bathroom, go without him. Prioritise the DC and yourself.
Let him work out his own strategies for dealing with his rituals. If he wants to refuse medication - fine. He can deal with the consequences. Not your problem.
Don’t let yourself be shouted at and ground down, or blamed for what are entirely HIS problems. Get on with your life and have a good summer. If he wants to join in with the family, he needs to work out a way to do that, not you.
Good luck!

I knew people would say LTB. Thing is, the DC adore their dad. I know it’s a MN cliche, but they really really do.

He’s not miserable all the time. He feels that he wasn’t supported a lot in his childhood so he makes a big effort with the DC. He never shouts at them. They laugh together, watch football and their favourite programmes. He is trying to change for the sake of the DC. They are his world.

DC are 11 and 7. He doesn’t work as lost his job due to this. There is no way he is going to agree to move out. I don’t see why I should take the DC away from their home. The only place I could go is to my parents in another city. DC would have to change schools and my job is here too (although I could get new job pretty easily).

I need to know what I should do to help him get well. Is tough love the answer or does it only make things worse?

He needs more professional help, it's impacting on his family, and on his quality of life. You say he tried therapy, did it help at all? There are different approaches, and although it can be hard to access I think you all deserve for him to give it a go.

If you've seen a professional and things haven't improved, I'm not sure what else you can do.

I'd continue taking the DC out and if he says you're mean, controlling or anything else, then perhaps remind him of how supportive you've been and how this is impacting on the whole family.

It would really worry me if my DH was unable to function without me, because what would happen to the kids if anything happened to you.

Maybe the thought that the relationship could end over this will motivate him to seriously make changes.

5 hours to go to the toilet! He's not desperate enough, as I'd have wet myself in that time.

His OCD has already resulted in a loss of income to your household... you truly have the patience of a saint.

There is nothing you can do to help him get well. He has to do it for himself. You have to stop enabling him.
Change is really, really hard, especially for an illness like his. But he won’t get anywhere without fully committing to it.
Don’t put yours & the children’s life on hold waiting for him to change. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is let them solve their own problems.

I would try* sitting down with him and doing a bit of a pros and cons sheet. Get a piece of paper, draw lines that cut in in half vertically and horizontally, so you end up with 4 equal sized areas.

Top left corner: get him to list all the advantages of keeping things as they are (1. Comfortable for him...)

Top right corner : get him to list all the disadvantages of keeping things as they are : impact on children (they cannot be oblivious), impact on you, possibility that you may leave, impact on him - his own quality of life sounds pretty shit.

Bottom left corner : advantages of change - demonstrate to children that mh problems can be overcome, have a life free from crippling anxiety /ocd, save marriage....

Bottom right corner : disadvantages of change - time and effort, poss difficulty accessing help, potentially have to overcome vomit phobia (can be done, but it's graded exposure which is not a lot of fun and requires a really motivated client), might be scared to not have problems any more of it has become part of his identity, have to do much more for himself if not relying on you...

The things I've listed as examples might not be things he thinks of himself, and he is bound to have plenty of his own.

It's really important when doing this exercise to be really non-judgemental and accepting of the points he's making (however you're feeling on the inside). I think anyone reading this thread would want him to come to the conclusion that he needs to change, BUT he needs to reach that conclusion himself, so I would present it to him as "I'm trying to understand... Please help me understand what's going on." and then offer (subtle) praise and encouragement for him telling you things.

Get him to fill in all four corners as much as possible, then let it percolate for a few days.

He may come to the conclusion that the costs of change outweigh the benefits (well, to him anyway). In which case, I think you might want to do a similar exercise around the costs and benefits of making him leave.

Motivation to change is a key factor in the likelihood of recovery. It could be that being asked to leave, at least for a while, might give him the motivation he needs.

*no guarantee of success, but sometimes this helps people think.

He needs more professional help. OCD is a complex condition, and definitely not one for MN 'advice'.

But yeah, don't do anything to help him with his rituals. He won't stop if it's easy to carry on. And when he's lying in bed and emotionally blackmailing you, walk away. It's not easy, but enabling his dysfunctional behaviours just increases them, and does him no good in the long run.

Have you had any contact with OCD UK? www.ocduk.org/

I think he is the controlling manipulative one and is being beyond selfish. A person I know with severe OCD would never lie in bed whining, they are up and following your routine, I’d be wary of how much of his behaviour actually is OVD, he’s behaving like a spoiled child.

You can't make him well OP

My DH suffers badly with his mental health and I drew the line a long time ago that he is to take all the steps needed to ensure he is well.

I will support him when things get difficult as long as he is engaging with all help available.

You have children to think of as do I. We do not have the resources to care for a grown adult. The children and you should come first.

I would ask him to leave OP.

You can’t make him get well. He needs professional help, and if he won’t engage you need to remove your children before they are damaged beyond repair.

OP you can't fix him. I know that LTB is the easy thing to throw out there, but I really do think you have to start thinking seriously about the long term consequences for your children.

My mum has undiagnosed OCD. She has constantly refused help. But is very much like you describe your DH. As a child, it left me very anxious and I'm still like that now. I'm over anxious about being late because my mum always made us late. She was barely able to function looking after us as kids and I do blame my upbringing now for a lot of issues in my life.

With my help, it now takes ‘only’ 1 hour.

Where are the kids when all this is going on?

And do they hear him shouting at you?

He seems to treat you as a replacement mother. This is very unhealthy for all of you.

The DC might adore their dad but what kind of a fucked up lesson is this?

They can adore him whilst not actually living with this shite tbh.

@StillWaitingForYou I feel awful for you. My late DH had OCD. He tragically died before DD2 was born but I remember the impact s well and although I loved him deeply I'm not sure we'd still be together if things had continued as they were and he was nowhere near as bad as your DH.

He would not let me cook with various pans, freaked out if plastic near food, wouldn't drink tea I made for fear of contamination, washed his hands constantly, wouldn't fly, wouldn't stand in sun...wouldn't eat food if I walked past building sites with the shopping, often wouldn't sleep in our bed...

It was awful. But he went to work every day and did his fair share with kids and housework. Your situation is awful, you can't fix him and he sounds very very selfish.

I wouldn't stay.

Change is so hard and it will be tough. I would want him to at least try as he realises impact on the family. Can you comprise in some way...you will do x times then that’s it, he won’t swear at you etc. House rules to get you through summer
OCD is a horrible illness and I hope he can find the courage to get through and live the life he deserves

If you truly don't want to leave him you need to give an ultimatum:go to a psychiatrist or I'm leaving-he needs intense help to become a functioning adult and a role model for your children

I have OCD. It's easy to judge when you haven't experienced the crippling fear for yourself. Believe me, it's no fun for the sufferer either!

That said, OP he really needs more professional help. Sometimes it takes more than one go at CBT. Perhaps his previous therapists weren't specialist or experienced enough.

I also share your husband's fear of sickness, but I do take medication (Fluoxetine) and have never had any problems with it.

Ideally you would work with the therapist and start to gradually reduce the amount of help you give him. Withdrawing all help suddenly would probably cause more problems for you and the children as he'd be unable to cope with the change and you'd be in the firing line.

But do get support for yourself too, and if possible take the children out and enjoy some time away.

Sorry to say this op,

But your in danger of your kids turning out just like him, with controlling behaviours ocd etc

Ide leave I really would, just fir their sake it is very very unhealthy

Sadly, you can't force him to confront things or seek treatment; you can only decide what you are/not prepared to put up with.

Why is it your role to "fix" him & sort his problems?

If he had a broken arm, he'd go to a Dr & get x-rays & a stookie, wouldn't he? And you wouldn't be fashioning one out of papier-mâché?!

I really don't like it that he is accusing you of being controlling & unsupportive, when your family life is dominated by his OCD & you are going to ridiculous lengths to appease him.