How to deal with DH with anxiety/ OCD and depression over the summer holidays?

[StillWaitingForYou]

My DH can’t function at all without me. He has elaborate OCD rituals which impact everything and I’ve fallen in the trap of becoming part of the rituals. We thought it was a good idea at the time for me to count things for him and reassure that he’d done each ‘step’ so that he could move on. It made the process quicker, otherwise it was taking nearly 5 hours just for him to go to the toilet, brush his teeth and wash his hands. With my help, it now takes ‘only’ 1 hour. However it has morphed so that I make all his food, drinks, help him shower - basically everything. I have had to take time off work to care for him.

Obviously we now know this was the ‘wrong’ thing to do. I have told him repeatedly that he needs to do it himself. He knows this - he has had therapy already.

The problem is he has an extremely stubborn personality. He just won’t even try. Everything I do is wrong. He won’t get out of bed unless I keep asking him to. But then he shouts that I’m nagging him. If I leave him alone he won’t do it at all. He says he wants me to encourage him, but I’m not doing it the right way.

DC are on holidays. If I take them out he gets upset and angry that I’ve left him alone in bed. But then he won’t speak and just ignores me if I ask him when he is getting up.

I need some advice from people who have had anxiety/ocd themselves or have a partner with it. Should I just leave him to it and let him get angry and struggle with things by himself? Or should I be more gentle and do what he wants? Which approach it more effective?

When I stop helping him he calls me mean, vindictive, controlling and says I like seeing him suffer. He really seems to believe that, which obviously makes it worse as he then thinks he is alone and not supported.

We have had therapy. He knows all the information and what to do. He is not on medication, he can’t contemplate taking it because one of the potential side effects is vomiting/neausea which is his biggest fear in the first place!

So I need advice on how to deal with this in the best way, so that he is encouraged (forced?) to make changes or to just take his lead which means me and the DC spending most of our time at home ☹️

Just to clarify, when I say it's not OK, it doesn't mean it isn't very common with mental illness.

The OP has stated she doesn't want to leave her husband, she has just asked for help in coping with a very difficult situation.

If someone with a mental illness isn't getting better after treatment, just as with a physical illness, it doesn't mean they aren't trying hard enough. It's understandable that he is reluctant to try more therapy if it didn't help before, but it is worth another try.

I knew people would say LTB. Thing is, the DC adore their dad. I know it’s a MN cliche, but they really really do.

He’s not miserable all the time. He feels that he wasn’t supported a lot in his childhood so he makes a big effort with the DC. He never shouts at them. They laugh together, watch football and their favourite programmes. He is trying to change for the sake of the DC. They are his world.

Children will love their parents. It's inbuilt. Doesn't mean they should stay with them though.

It's very unhealthy for them. He might not want to leave, but for their sakes you should seek legal advice.

This is no way to live.

I’m sorry but your kids need a parent and this is going to drag you down with it too, and then they will have2 struggling parents. I think you need to get the professionals back in, being honest to me this sounds like it is the level that needs residential help for a good period .

Your poor kids. They are programmed to love their Dad and will have been damaged by listening to him verbally abuse OP. I hope that you'll continue to take them out so that they can have a few care-free hours.

Your h is an adult and only he can change things. Your job OP is to protect the kids.

Definitely agree that you need to look after yourself and your children. Don't feel guilty about taking time out. As much as it will upset him, if he truly loves you he will understand deep down that you need to keep yourself healthy or you'd end up with no choice but to leave him. Pick a moment when he's calm to talk to him. He loves his children so he'll want them to be able to have a normal life. At the moment OCD is clouding his judgement (he may be scared that something bad will happen to you if you go out), but I'm sure when he gets well again he'll be glad you've made sure the kids have a good summer.

It might be a good idea to get yourself and your children some therapy too. Make sure they understand that his behaviour isn't normal, it is because of an illness.

I hope things improve for you all soon.

Right, IMHO you need a short, medium and long term plan. Very over-simplistically:

Short term, you need to talk to him clearly (again?) about how this is affecting you and the kids, and to state that you will be going out with the DC, according to pre-planning, this holiday. That you can not be at the mercy of the OCD. This will be very hard for him. He and you may need to sort some alternative support.

Medium term, a good therapist for you both, and for him alone, to deal with this. It will likely involve exposure and response prevention therapy - which can be quite brutal, but is effective. Far more so than any medical intervention. If your behaviour is also part of the behavioural pattern of OCD you're currently both stuck in, you need to be involved. And you're going to need support as this will likely be difficult (as I'm sure you know).

Longer term... depends on the previous stages. Ideally, it will mean having strategies for relapse, and agreement that you will not inadvertently facilitate the behaviours (even if he's begging you), and so on. Non-ideally, you may have to have a back up plan involving leaving.

Huge sympathies. This is beyond difficult.

(I speak as someone who's had very problematic anxiety, and OCD (though less severe than your DH's), and also as someone who's worked with it professionally).

This is a very unhealthy dynamic. Think about what you're teaching your children about relationships by staying together. I wonder if there's an element of co-dependency happening here? I speak as someone who was once in a similar boat. You need to stop enabling his behaviours. He won't learn to stand on his own two feet with you propping him up all the time. Yes it will be painful facing his fears. I think you should leave him as others say upthread, or at least have a period of separation whilst he gets help. You & the kids can still love him from the sidelines but only he can change his behaviours. GP would be my first port of call.