How to deal with DH with anxiety/ OCD and depression over the summer holidays?

[StillWaitingForYou]

My DH can’t function at all without me. He has elaborate OCD rituals which impact everything and I’ve fallen in the trap of becoming part of the rituals. We thought it was a good idea at the time for me to count things for him and reassure that he’d done each ‘step’ so that he could move on. It made the process quicker, otherwise it was taking nearly 5 hours just for him to go to the toilet, brush his teeth and wash his hands. With my help, it now takes ‘only’ 1 hour. However it has morphed so that I make all his food, drinks, help him shower - basically everything. I have had to take time off work to care for him.

Obviously we now know this was the ‘wrong’ thing to do. I have told him repeatedly that he needs to do it himself. He knows this - he has had therapy already.

The problem is he has an extremely stubborn personality. He just won’t even try. Everything I do is wrong. He won’t get out of bed unless I keep asking him to. But then he shouts that I’m nagging him. If I leave him alone he won’t do it at all. He says he wants me to encourage him, but I’m not doing it the right way.

DC are on holidays. If I take them out he gets upset and angry that I’ve left him alone in bed. But then he won’t speak and just ignores me if I ask him when he is getting up.

I need some advice from people who have had anxiety/ocd themselves or have a partner with it. Should I just leave him to it and let him get angry and struggle with things by himself? Or should I be more gentle and do what he wants? Which approach it more effective?

When I stop helping him he calls me mean, vindictive, controlling and says I like seeing him suffer. He really seems to believe that, which obviously makes it worse as he then thinks he is alone and not supported.

We have had therapy. He knows all the information and what to do. He is not on medication, he can’t contemplate taking it because one of the potential side effects is vomiting/neausea which is his biggest fear in the first place!

So I need advice on how to deal with this in the best way, so that he is encouraged (forced?) to make changes or to just take his lead which means me and the DC spending most of our time at home ☹️

@CrazySandy he shouts at the OP and calls her things. That's not OCD, that's verbal abuse.

I know how awful it is. Late DH was crippled by it. But he didn't use it as an excuse to abuse me

You won't want my advice but here it is anyway

Save yourself and save your children. Leave. A nice house and a school place can be replaced. A normal childhood cannot. You are both failing them.

OMG, what sort of message is this for your DC?!

Life is so hard they should expect to lie in bed all day? An a woman will provide for them?

This is an unacceptable dynamic.

This is what extended family are for. Pack him a bag. Take him round to his parents/sister/brother and drop him off saying you can’t cope, he is sick and needs to take medicine and address him issues. Change the lock. Don’t answer the phone.

He’ll have been to the GP by the end of the week.

You can't sacrifice the kids' day to day lives to this. They deserve better. And you can't fix this level of problem. He needs full on mental health support to treat his issues. If he won't agree to that you will need to withdraw your cooperation till he does.

You do realise that your children's childhoods are going to be ruined by this controlling behaviour. Imagine how awful you'll feel if they blame you for not leaving and making their childhood not a happy thought. You need to protect your children OP.

If you carry on doing it his way what does life look like for you and the DC? How will they remember their childhood? What are they learning from this?

You've been a generous and supportive partner but he really needs to be doing more to help himself.

Is what you are doing working to the point why you all get a reasonable quality of life?
If it isn't what you are doing isn't working so stop doing it, you aren't going to get a different outcome if you keep putting in the same inputs.
What inputs have professionals suggested you put in ? Carry out the professional advice you have been given.
If you haven't had professional advice seek it out ASAP to get an idea of what the best thing for you to do is.
This isn't sounding like a good life for any of you at present, get some advice and stick with it.
Ultimately your DH is responsible for his MH and you are responsible for the welfare of your DC.

for you op. It sounds really difficult, but this isn't a life for you or your children.

Not RTFT but I had/have OCD. It doesn't take this kind of form anymore but it did when I was a child. My parents used the tough love approach on advice from psychiatrist. It was the only way. That meant leaving me to scream and cry. My school had to do the same thing. If this was ok for a young child then I think it is ok for your DH. No good can come from enabling him. I'll never be cured but I function. From being very non functioning at one point.

Having said that though, it sounds like he actually needs residential treatment.

From what I have read on this thread I see some bad advice and misunderstanding of the illness so watch out.

how does he pay towards the bills. does he claim a sickness benefit. sorry. don't know the name.

the advice is to not enable
iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-family-guidelines/

He needs to get more therapy, this page explains about the different levels of care available. As he is so unwell he needs to be with a specialist service. Waits are very, very, very long so he needs to refer himself asap.
www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/accessing-ocd-treatment/accessing-ocd-treatment-through-the-nhs/

From what I have read on this thread I see some bad advice and misunderstanding of the illness so watch out.

^This

I would contact OCD UK for support and advice.

This sounds awful. But you can't live like this.

Anyfucker summed up what I was thinking in a nutshell. For your kids sake you have to leave.

Or at the very least can you take them away to stay with your parents for the summer? Leave him on his own so you mad the kids get some space and normality? Perhaps not an option of you work xx

If you can't leave can you just leave him to it?

Go about your day around him, don't help in ways that would be unusual for a partner to help a partner.

What do you think would happen if you did this?

I suffer from terrible anxiety. I was at the drs every five minutes with different issues. I’m the end the dr got very cross with me & insisted I took some medication and although the side effects were a big feat of mine. I felt I had no choice. The tablets have helped my anxiety no end.
Your dh needs help. Try again and again until you get the right help. He needs to take the medicine.

@grobagsforever

I'm not saying it's OK, but people do lash out at those around them when in pain.

I suffer very badly with ocd, I'm currently housebound, barely leave the bedroom.

As ever on mn much misunderstanding and little sympathy for the mentally ill.

Op I promise you he doesn't WANT to be like this - who would?

But yes getting stuck in a cycle of "reassuring" is generally not advised.

However, it's a very difficult situation that requires a carefully balanced approach.

You need to support without enabling and that balance can be tricky to achieve.

But yes he needs to meet you half way.

Medication - there are loads of different kinds, not all with the same side effects which are only a possibility anyway. I've had similar issues myself though as meds that have worked for me in the past now cause allergic reactions or extreme side effects. It's trial and error. I'm currently on mirtazipine which I've found very gentle on my very sensitive stomach. Unfortunately it's not helping much with the ocd, I'm meeting dr this week to discuss.

Same with therapy. You say he's "had therapy" if as I suspect it's the bog standard 6 weeks cbt, that I've recently discovered is often badly delivered on Nhs, that will have barely made a dent! He needs far more support than that.

You need support and guidance too.

As well as ocd uk there's ocd Action and anxiety uk who I've found useful at various points.

@CrazySandy read the OP. He ignores her and shouts at her and controls her and his children. He's abusing her.

OP - OCD is not an excuse for abuse. Don't listen to the posters telling you his behaviour is ok or you don't understand the illness. Your life matters. Your children's lives matter. Your husband doesn't seem to be trying to minimise the impact on you or get better.

My heart breaks for you.

So sorry to read this. My dd has severe OCD and it makes life so difficult for all of us. Years of therapy have seen an improvement but it is always there.
You must stop enabling him and concentrate on yourself and children

No advice to offer here, but dd11 has had a spike in OCD behaviours - based on numbers - in the last few weeks. It’s really having a severe impact on her and I understand it’s so terrible to see a loved one suffering and it’s having a massive impact on our whole family.

Dd also has ASD. CAHMS have been terrible and she won’t engage - I really feel for you as the impact on us all is overwhelming.

This sounds so difficult. One of my dc has OCD and although not as severe as your dh, I have had really good advice from OCD helplines and charities. I was told by CAMHs that longer term cbt is needed for OCD so maybe your dh would benefit from further ongoing therapy. When was the last time he saw his gp? If it’s impacted your lives this much then intervention is needed now. I understand why pps are saying ltb but I also understand that he is very unwell and this would be very difficult for you

And I agree OCD isn’t an excuse for some of his behaviour towards you and given the severity of the situation my biggest concern is that he is trying to do everything possible to get the help he needs. Medication and ongoing therapy can be very effective.

You say he's trying to change but he wont take medication and isn't currently engaged in therapy because he's 'had it before'. You need to call your local adult social care department and ask for support and assessment at the very least as you cannot go on like this. You are enabling him and this awful behaviour. He sounds verbally abusive to. Your DC cannot be trapped in the house due to his issues. Go out with them and leave him to it. He is an adult and he needs to make his own choices even if that means you kick him out to work on himself outside of the family home.

She’s not leaving she’s trying to do what she can to support .
Only one that’s seen someone going through this hateful evil illness can make a valid comment.how I feel for all of you.
There must be a way he takes some sort of medication.Thats the key he has to you’ll have a breakdown.His got to get more support.
You’ll have to ignore the remarks he makes you know he doesn’t mean them.
Something will give in the long run,if that support isn’t forth coming therapy helps but only if the steps are followed he is not capable of following the steps.in the good old days I remember my mother used to hide medication in our meals .Thats not allowed anymore he has too give his consent to have medication.Medication is the key he has to otherwise you will get to the breaking point.Its not sustainable your love or love of duty won’t be enough.

@grobagsforever I don't think anybody has actually suggested his behaviour is OK, and the comments about not understanding the illness were directed at other posters' replies, not the OP.