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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend won’t divorce his wife.

81 replies

Ace17 · 22/07/2019 21:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend now for 3 1/2 years. He has been separated from his wife now for 8 years. But for some uncertain reason he won’t divorce her and she won’t make steps to divorce him. They have no financial issues there child is 23 years old so I don’t understand why they won’t divorce. I’ve asked him on numerous occasions as to why and all he says is I will do it tomorrow. But its not happening. He can be very caring, loving and supportive. But he is a very insecure person he always needs constant recognition from women especially so is this the reason he won’t divorce. Because his wife still talks to him and makes him feel good. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

titchy · 23/07/2019 10:21

You're just one of many shags on the side you know. Dump the fucker.

rightteous · 23/07/2019 10:32

Blimey. Why would you put up with this? Dump him and find somebody who wants to be with you!

stucknoue · 23/07/2019 10:46

A simple divorce like that can be filed online for under £600. They have no financial ties so should just be a formality. That said he probably just can't be bothered, it's of no consequence unless he wants to remarry

MauritiusDreaming · 23/07/2019 11:03

Run, run, run.... and then run some more!

Original poster

Ace17 · 23/07/2019 11:23

I’m not searching for attention. I’m just trying to get some understanding and advice. If you can’t live with someone. There’s nothing left in your marriage, you don’t love one another anymore and you separate why 8 years down the line are you still married, still meet up, still text each other still comfort and support each other. You might as well just stay together. I just find it hard to understand. There child is grown up. They have both tryed to have relationships before I met him but nothing is working out. So yes I will struggle to understand what on earth are they doing. I am up front and honest with my boyfriend about all my friends when my ex partner visits my children as I have nothing to hide. But he is so secretive still.

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 23/07/2019 11:50

You should be thinking about what YOU are doing and not worrying about what is going on with him and his wife.

I get the no one has loved me so I will take anything but honestly, having finally found someone who really does, it's worth the wait but get out of this relationship as he's not the real deal.

Teddybear45 · 23/07/2019 11:53

It’s obvious he still loves her. You should leave and find someone who isn’t married.

paap1975 · 23/07/2019 11:56

He can't be fully in a relationship with you until he is divorced. I'd give him an ultimatum. If he reacts badly, then I'd say that tells you how he feels about the relationship.
I met my DH well after he'd separated, but he and his wife hadn't divorce for (reciprocal) pension reasons. After things got serious between us, I let him know how hard I found it knowing they were still tied together in this way, and he got the divorce proceedings started...
Sounds to me like your DP maybe hasn't made his mind up yet.

PortiaCastis · 23/07/2019 11:56

Dump the bastard you're probably not the only one taking your knickers off for him, don't waste any more of your life on him

Rosielily · 23/07/2019 11:58

@FiveTwoFaster - he isn't a doctor who lives in Hull, is he!?!?

WhenPushComesToShove · 23/07/2019 12:00

People are only secretive when there's something to hide. No good hanging on waiting for things to change. Why would he change if life suits him just fine as it is. Value yourself and find someone new who will value you too. Or stay in limbo and be unhappy - your choice isn't it...

squee123 · 23/07/2019 12:30

It doesn't actually matter why he won't divorce her. You don't trust him, he isn't behaving in a way likely to earn your trust, that is not a healthy relationship. Ditch him and move on.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 12:33

The way they live at the moment suits them. He isn't able to commit to someone else, which suits him. He stays in an emotional (at the very least) relationship with his ex, which suits him.

The thing is that you can't live in the way you want, which is why you should dump him.

Happynow001 · 23/07/2019 13:05

It's been EIGHT years since he's been separated OP!

If he really cared for you he would treat you much better than this. He'd be emotionally accessible, more personally supportive, actively planning a life with the two of you together, looking forward to the years together, doing financial planning together, etc.

He would be looking at freeing himself from a redundant relationship (ie his marriage) IF he really wanted a loving, open and honest life with you.

I’ve asked him on numerous occasions as to why and all he says is I will do it tomorrow.
This ^^ wouldn't be happening.

He is, it seems, happy with the way things are - the status quo works for him.

However it doesn't work for you. It's been 3.5 years since you met him and nothing is changing.

Why are you wasting your life and hanging on?

Surely a life without him in it would be emotionally more peaceful than this "No Man's Land" that you are in?

Courage OP and cut him adrift.

RodGallowglass · 23/07/2019 13:50

If you were my DD I would tell you to get 3 things:
a sense of self-worth,
some self-respect, and
rid of this sad excuse for a man!

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2019 13:58

I have never really been loved properly by someone or even my parents so I believe I am just settling for someone who claims to love me. Which I know is sad
To me it is - yes.
You've not been shown love by the 2 people who should have shown you.
So you are definitely settling.
Please work on yourself.
Have you have counselling regarding your childhood?
You deserve the very best now.
Not someone who plays around with other women and won't even divorce his wife after 8 years, even after being given the money.

This man is not the one for you.
Raise your bar.
Put your own boundaries in place and don't let people over-step them.
Work on yourself and your self-esteem and you'll find the right person.

Mitzimaybe · 23/07/2019 14:23

It depends what you want out of the relationship. Sounds more like a FWB than a proper relationship. If you were harbouring thoughts of making a proper future together, you can put those out of your head. He's just not that into you.

FiveTwoFaster · 24/07/2019 06:34

@Rosielily no, you’re quite safe! He’s in London and utterly medically unqualified!

Rosielily · 24/07/2019 11:59

@FiveTwoFaster hahaha! Thank you!! 😀

Mermaidsinthesand · 24/07/2019 22:42

You have your answers, you're just refusing to listen to yourself

There is little advice anyone can give you until you start to open your eyes

Loveislandaddict · 24/07/2019 22:46

Could it be something as simple as he still enjoys a platonic relationship with his ex, and his dd,, and even though she is still 23, is still their daughter. The set up works for him.

He also enjoys the relationship with you. Why should he divorce, whist both relationships are working?

You need to decide whether you accept the status quo, push for a change (ie. him divorce) or to walk away.

BrunetteBuns · 27/07/2019 12:00

He’s not going to divorce her after 8 years seperation. So the real question is what do you want to do as he won’t?

dangerrabbit · 27/07/2019 12:37

Dump him and find someone with a base level of respect for you. Demand respect and gain respect.

Moondust001 · 27/07/2019 12:50

I think you need to examine your own posts. You don't trust him so you won't live with him. But you expect him to divorce someone because he doesn't live with her? You come across as exceptionally needy, wanting to know how and why he talks to other women and gives them lifts home. But you says that he's needy and has to have attention from women. To be honest, it feels like there is a lot of the kettle calling the pot black here. Clearly the relationship is going nowhere for either of you, so why maintain it? You say he's your boyfriend, but are you sure that he is that committed to this - it sounds more like he considers this a much more casual relationship than you do, and you are making it into more than it is. You can't make somebody into what you want them to be.

Myriade · 27/07/2019 13:01

@Ace17, you are not needy. You are trying to get your head are und something that baffles you, like everyone ne else does.
I suspect you also think that knowing why he acts like this will make it easier for you to take a decision re your relationship.

FWIW knowing why he is refusing to get divorce isn’t going to make a difference to you re taking a decision for yourself. Sometimes people are doing things that aren’t logical or don’t make sense. At least to other people, I suspect it makes sense to them...
Don’t make you decision based on other people (in this case your DP) but in yourself. Is that relationship fulfilling? Does it make you happy or are you always on edge? It is OK to say, this doesn’t work for me and to go your separate ways.

As for why he does that, I suspect neither of them have actually moved on. And having separated, what is left is actually all the good bits of the relationship, which neither of them wants to give up (and one or both of them might be consciously or unconsciously still in love with the other).
I suspect it wouldn’t be surprising if they were getting back together. I’ve seen that happening a few times.....

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