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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend won’t divorce his wife.

81 replies

Ace17 · 22/07/2019 21:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend now for 3 1/2 years. He has been separated from his wife now for 8 years. But for some uncertain reason he won’t divorce her and she won’t make steps to divorce him. They have no financial issues there child is 23 years old so I don’t understand why they won’t divorce. I’ve asked him on numerous occasions as to why and all he says is I will do it tomorrow. But its not happening. He can be very caring, loving and supportive. But he is a very insecure person he always needs constant recognition from women especially so is this the reason he won’t divorce. Because his wife still talks to him and makes him feel good. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 22/07/2019 22:29

You are not his 'Miss right' you are his 'Miss Right now'. He sees his ex, who he refuses to divorce, behind your back, he is careless with (other people's) money, and you don't trust him. Wtf, he sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you, just walk away.

Sunshineandreign · 22/07/2019 22:31

Hold on he is old enough to have a 23 year old son, cant afford his own place and so feckless that he cant keep hold of £500 it costs to file for divorce, and instead spends his nights sitting in the pub chatting to his wife.
And you've been dating him for 3.5 years with no concrete future plans as a couple.

Yeah he sounds like a keeper.....

Walnutwhipster · 22/07/2019 22:32

If he dies you're nobody and she's his widow. You won't even get a say in his funeral, possibly not even allowed to attend.

category12 · 22/07/2019 22:34

If you don't trust him, have a word with yourself and give it up.

What's the bloody point? You are wasting your energy, your time, your life on this bloke.

FiveTwoFaster · 22/07/2019 22:36

I have a male friend who split from his wife amicably and asked if she would be happy not to divorce as it means he has the perfect reason never to marry anyone again. They have adult children and he funds her and has various girlfriends who eventually leave as they realise he will never commit and doesn’t want to. He always finds someone else. Works very well for him. He wants his money to go to his kids and said his not-quite-ex wife put up with a lot and deserves to be looked after. She has a long term boyfriend that she doesn’t want to marry either and everyone’s happy! Except the girlfriends. But to be fair he is always upfront that he will never divorce her unless she asks. The girlfriends just think he will change his mind for them.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 22/07/2019 22:40

Are there any positives to this relationship? It sounds like you'd be better off without him. If you don't trust him by now, it's probably not gonna happen.

15YemenRoad · 22/07/2019 22:41

How can your relationship survive if you don't trust him and if he remains married to someone else?

I think you need to raise your standards, and get some self respect. This is not a relationship, you are probably just another validation for him as you mentioned he needs constant recognition. No woman will ever be enough for someone who is like that.

Don't waste your life with this person, you're better off alone than being someone's validation.

31RueCambon · 22/07/2019 23:06

This is a day to day thing. Not a long term thing.

You have to bail if this is eroding your self worth.

Rachelover40 · 22/07/2019 23:19

The court fees for divorce are about £4,000 though that may have gone up since I read it.

Op, ditch him and move on.

Ilady · 22/07/2019 23:35

He has been using you for the past 3 and a half years. Why if he split up from his wife has he not got divorced in the past 8 years despite getting money from a friend to do this?
He is seeing his wife behind your back also. My feeling is he like the attention he is getting from you and his ex wife. It time for you tell him what you have is over. You deserve better than him. You better off on your own than being with some one who thinks so little of you.

AgentJohnson · 23/07/2019 05:42

Move on already, this is going nowhere.

YouJustDoYou · 23/07/2019 05:56

What a catch he sounds Hmm

YouJustDoYou · 23/07/2019 05:57

Don't invest/waste anymore of your life with him. You are wasting your years.

Sunshineandreign · 23/07/2019 06:04

@Rachelover40 the court does not charge £4000 for a divorce at all. It costs exactly £550 for a divorce. Any other costs would be solicitor fees, only necessary if you were fighting over finances/ children or to prevent the divorce from happening which if this man is to be believed is not the case.

NameChangeNugget · 23/07/2019 06:38

You’re a placeholder girlfriend.

Accept it or move on

dancingrobot · 23/07/2019 07:06

My DH's parents are not divorced. They have been separated for 30 years and they both have live in partners
I don't get it

Original poster
Ace17 · 23/07/2019 09:17

Well he claims he loves me. He claims he and his wife are just very good friends and nothing more. He tends to sometimes hide his friends that are females from me. He gives them lifts home from work and doesn’t tell me. He plays around with them when he’s in the pub. Which could be perfectly innocent but because I don’t trust him I question everything he does which is soul destroying I know. I have never really been loved properly by someone or even my parents so I believe I am just settling for someone who claims to love me. Which I know is sad ☹️.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 23/07/2019 09:21

You don't trust him, he won't divorce his wife, you don't believe he loves you, neither of you want to commit and he constantly flirts with other women.

Seriously - what are you doing?

countryroadstakemeh0me · 23/07/2019 09:21

Then get rid of the fucker OP...

letsdolunch321 · 23/07/2019 09:30

Get rid of this time waster, you need to take steps to love yourself before having another relationship.

MiniTheMinx · 23/07/2019 09:32

You have insight into your own motivations, that's a really good starting point. Now all you need to do is to believe you deserve better. Will you believe us if we all tell you that you deserve better than this? Because, you really do Flowers

Don't waste your life on this no hoper.

MaybeDoctor · 23/07/2019 09:34

I struggle to see what he is doing that is so wrong with regards to his ex-wife? At one point he loved her enough to promise to stay with her till death, but now he gets on well with her and just enjoys a friendly chat. What does it say of our view of human relationships if we think it is better for someone to be no-contact or unfriendly with the mother of their child? Obviously he wants to retain that link of marriage, despite being separated, or he would take steps to break it.
That is who he is.

I wonder if there should be another status, apart from being divorced or separated, that reflects that two people did have a marriage, still have ties and are amicable together. A bit like the reverse of being engaged. Then again, I also think that there should be divorcing ceremonies! Something symbolic that represents
the parting of the ways and allows a channel for some of the emotion.

Scorpiovenus · 23/07/2019 09:35

Its got to be either financial reasons or that they somehow think that there is a slim chance one day they reconcile. It cant be laziness its got to be one of these 2 option.

I think its time to decide if he is good enough for you. Its never if you are good enough and I think you deserve more. You could have so much more then this guy. And the very insecure and needing recognition is a red flag btw.

PatricksRum · 23/07/2019 09:54

cant afford his own place
What's that gotta do with anything? Lots of people can't.

OP you sound like you're fishing for attention here, you know it's not right by the way you're explaining it. Ltb and perhaps seek some kind of remedy for these feelings of abandonment.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 09:59

Dump.