(nearly) walk away wife - what chance over recovery?

[freddyf77]

hi everyone,

i am a despairing M42. My partner F35, not married, of 16 years tells me 'i love you but i'm not in love with you'. ok. we a re not married but other than the legal part i consider us hsuand and wife. she tells me she doesn't know what she wants so we really are in limbo. we still socialise together, go for walks and even have sex at times so i'm so confused. she is very distant. i love her more than anything.

i am freaking out but am trying to be very nice. I just want to fix it but need to not pressure her. It’s so hard while I’m so stressed. . She sees my overt kindness as temporary but i truly believe this is the wake up call we needed, and we can get through this if she will give us time. She feels old and that she’s running out of time. She’s young but can’t see it. but we got through it, or so i thought.

I have never been abusive. i have had anxiety which has limited our social life at times but i'm so much better than before and quite normal in that regard. i have over the years raised questions about wnating more intimacy but she never opened up all that much. we have had numerous IVFs that have failed (my sperm is the issue), and have worked together for nearly 10 years, with a long commute. so, in short, quite a lot of stress. i think work and IVF are the reasons for our probelms, rather than me being a bad partner. i can see i should have tried more with social apsect but i actaully thought she was content, going out with her friends and going on holdays with them etc.

She has a new job many miles away that starts in 7 week's time, and while that might give her some needed space, I am worried that she’ll slip away.
I read about ‘walk away wife’ and sometimes read that it’s reconcilable. Other blogs say not. Given that there has been no abuse, no cheating, very few big fallings out, and we still function in some ways, can I have hope?

I would really like to hear how others got through this sort of challenge.

I think you've missed the boat to be honest.

Even the way you dismiss marriage as "just the legal part" is very telling. Does she feel that way too or is that what you have to convince her?

Through your anxiety, your reclusive life and your not socialising or going on holidays with her (effectively making partnerless), have you kept her waiting around for the last 16 years in a state of limbo.

And now - when she says she loves you but isn't IN live with you - and it looks like things might be wrapping up, you're suddenly a different man? Of course she doesn't believe it's real. It's more likely to be a panic reaction from you. As you say yourself, you're afraid she could be a "walk away wife" (whatever that is ) You're even reserving the right to call her your wife but you haven't married her.

You spent your entire post talking about yourself....I, I, I. For someone who purports to love her, you seem to have very little consideration for her feelings. Do her a favour and stop wasting her time. Set her free.

Unfortunately I love you but I'm not in love with you is often cheaters script. Google it.

Let her go so she can have children.

i consider us hsuand and wife
Has she ever considered you husband and wife?

At 35 she's not that young when it comes to having a child. Fertility-wise, if she wants a child with another man she's going to have to hurry, tbh. I would imagine that's what's making her feel that it's now or never.

The "love you but not in love with you" is also a phrase that often comes up when someone's got another partner tucked up their sleeve. Has she been acting differently in other ways lately?

You can be as great a partner as you like, but I'm afraid that you can't make her stay with you. You can try to persuade her, but that's it.
It's not nice, I've been there too, but even if the worse comes to the worse ... you might find that eventually the cloud has a silver lining. You might end up with a second or third chance that makes you just as happy, if not more so.

"we still socialise together, go for walks and even have sex at times"
"there has been no abuse, no cheating, very few big fallings out, and we still function in some ways"

TBH if that's the most positive thing you can say about the relationship, I don't really rate your chances. It doesn't exactly sound like the most satisfying of relationships for a woman in her 30s. And that's without even considering the fertility issues.

How long had you been together before you decided to start trying for a baby? I find waiting for a man to shit or get off the pot just makes women gradually stop loving him. It's cruel to waste a womans fertile years umming and ahhing.

It's cruel to waste a womans fertile years umming and ahhing.

This exactly

Where does OP say he ummed and ahhed?

Just trying to work out if that's what she may think. OP hasn't explained when precisely they started trying for kids. Or why he wants children but not marriage. Did she waste the first 10+ years waiting for a proposal and now he's finally agreed to kids and she resents him for leaving it so late? Dunno. OP hasn't come back.

Ok. Thanks for input.
We've been trying for kids for ages, 7 years or more. and have gotten pregnant but failed. And that stress has been part of delayed marriage. We both want kids and I am open to any solution so long as she is too.

I don't think I'm being presumptuous in feeling she's my wife in every way but law. Just feel a committment of 16yrs is very significant, like a marriage, and worth fighting for.
When i say we still socialize, sex etc. I mean even after she made the break up announcement. 6 months ago we were largely normal, doing stuff normal couples do.
We used to holiday all the time so not sure where that comment came from.
So many councillors write about walk away syndrome. They cite it as a common issue that is not necessarily final.
I want to be strong and support my partner in case this is blip. I wondered how others manage as a lot of couples seem to survive whwtbinhink is worse, like cheating, so I thought maybe we could too.
I haven't written about how she's feeling as all she says is 'i don't know'. I don't want to push her to talk until she's ready, so it's not that I don't care. I want to know how she feels. But all I can do is give my side at the moment.
It's very hard waiting for her to 'decide what she wants'. There's a glimmer of hope in that. I was hoping talking here could help me to cope in the meantime.
Thanks again.

I appreciate text is not always interpreted as intended.

Oh, right. I see where the holiday comment comes from. What I meant is I thought we had a good balance. We socialize together and separately with friends. We holiday and she has city breaks with her GFs.
We actually planning to go to Turkey in September. Which again I find confusing. But does give me hope.

And we have been engaged for a long time. As I say, the misery of failed IVF was a distraction, emotionally and financially. Doesn't entirely explain the delay but is a factor.

*delay in actually marrying

You have been together 16 years and trying to conceive for 7.

Why did you not marry before then?

I would her get pissed off if someone kept telling me I felt like their wife, but they kept putting off getting married. Assuming she wants to.

And stop with twee terms. A walk away wife, she isnt. She is someone who is thinking about ending her relationship. You may have thought she was happy, but she clearly isnt. You said this has been a wake up call so she must have been unhappy for you wake up.

Exactly what have you woken up to?
It's sad, and it's hard to break up a long term relationship. But she could be just biding her time until her new job starts. The new job could make her feel different.

Personally, I woildnt sit in limbo. If my partner isnt sure wether they want to be in or out, I am happy for them to have a short amount of time. Especially, as if something big has happened. But I would wait indefinitely. Maybe a few days. They I will decide I am out.

I don't want to push her to talk until she's ready, so it's not that I don't care
Well she needs to tell you what is going on.
Love but NOT IN love - usually means she's having affair or has had her head turned.
It's the wording always used by cheaters and is part of the cheaters script.
I think you need to tackle that aspect - fast!

So what else have you discussed about children?
Fostering?
Adoption?
Sperm donor?

She IS running out of time. So if you want to sort this out then you need to tackle it all, sooner rather than later.

She definitely isn't a 'walk away wife' as you aren't married. Words and definitions are important.

Did your girlfriend ever want to marry you?

@Suebnm but if you see the literature about walk away... the symptoms are strikingly similar. Yes, we have been engaged for several years so I would think she did at some point.

@hellsbellsmelons yes, we need to talk but she's just not ready. All I get is 'i don't know' to any and every question. I can see she's in pain, I don't want to make it worse by pushing her. But we do need honesty, eventually

Op, you need to ask her directly what she wants. I don’t think any of us can tell you.

Do you have somewhere you could stay for a few days?
Give her some headspace to think about what she wants?
Ultimately, I think she has cheated so of course she is avoiding the conversation.
Is she in pain or is it guilt???

Op, I'm really sorry to say that from everything you've told us here it sounds like the relationship is over. She sounds like she's just milling about until this new job starts, and then she'll be gone.

She's already told you that she's not in love with you and earlier you mentioned her actually breaking up with you. I know that you're still having sex sometimes and have a holiday coming up but that doesn't mean much. That's the sort of thing that happens when a couple breaks up but then continue living together. It doesn't mean the relationship is on the mend. It's just old familiar habits that are easy to continue. I'm sure that if she moved out those things would all stop and you would be feeling less confused. And once she starts this new job she quite possibly will move out.

You say that she just says "I don't know" when you ask her about her feelings. I highly doubt she doesn't know. It's more likely that she just doesn't want to answer honestly because it's difficult to talk about. If she wanted to rescue the relationship then she'd be talking to you about her feelings.

I think it's time to let go

@Hidingwhoiam

I don't tell her I feel.like she's wife. That's how I feel.

I have woken up to who I want to be, I.e. more outgoing, change my job etc,. This actually happened prior to this situation.

@TwistyTop
Thanks for your honesty. I see sense in everything you say. As per my other posts, I am going to stand by her for now. Based on what little she has said, I don't think she'd waste either our time, but I will raise the question when the time is right.

@WeirdWoman
Thanks. I have. She won't open up. She says she doesn't know what she wants.

@hellsbellsmelons
Why do you think she is cheating? Just saying love but not in love surely isn't enough to make that conclusion