(nearly) walk away wife - what chance over recovery?

[freddyf77]

hi everyone,

i am a despairing M42. My partner F35, not married, of 16 years tells me 'i love you but i'm not in love with you'. ok. we a re not married but other than the legal part i consider us hsuand and wife. she tells me she doesn't know what she wants so we really are in limbo. we still socialise together, go for walks and even have sex at times so i'm so confused. she is very distant. i love her more than anything.

i am freaking out but am trying to be very nice. I just want to fix it but need to not pressure her. It’s so hard while I’m so stressed. . She sees my overt kindness as temporary but i truly believe this is the wake up call we needed, and we can get through this if she will give us time. She feels old and that she’s running out of time. She’s young but can’t see it. but we got through it, or so i thought.

I have never been abusive. i have had anxiety which has limited our social life at times but i'm so much better than before and quite normal in that regard. i have over the years raised questions about wnating more intimacy but she never opened up all that much. we have had numerous IVFs that have failed (my sperm is the issue), and have worked together for nearly 10 years, with a long commute. so, in short, quite a lot of stress. i think work and IVF are the reasons for our probelms, rather than me being a bad partner. i can see i should have tried more with social apsect but i actaully thought she was content, going out with her friends and going on holdays with them etc.

She has a new job many miles away that starts in 7 week's time, and while that might give her some needed space, I am worried that she’ll slip away.
I read about ‘walk away wife’ and sometimes read that it’s reconcilable. Other blogs say not. Given that there has been no abuse, no cheating, very few big fallings out, and we still function in some ways, can I have hope?

I would really like to hear how others got through this sort of challenge.

I have woken up to who I want to be, I.e. more outgoing, change my job etc,. This actually happened prior to this situation.

Why do you want to change now?

@Hidingwhoiam
I've spent years being untrue to myslef. I'm no longer suckled by anxiety. My job has pulled me down and I want to break free if it.
Bit if a midlife crisis but am feeling better already.
By being happy in myself, I hope to make other happy in my company too. But primarily me.

She sees my overt kindness as temporary but i truly believe this is the wake up call we needed

This is what you said OP. If you both needed a wakeup call she wasnt happy before.

Why would she see your kindness as temporary? Surely you are always kind?

Can you explain exactly why you havent got married and wether she wanted to or not.

I get the feeling you are skirting some issues, trying to attach a name to what's going on because it makes it easier to deal with. If it has a name and is a syndrome, that's easier than excepting that she just doesnt want to be with you

I am not judging, I do want to help. But you do seem to be not being very forthcoming on the issues

Also just remember, that realising you want more from life once she has said that, might be great (and it is) but it could also be too later for her to get the feelings back.

#shackled. (Suckled!)

Thanks @Hidingwhoiam

There's no question I have been a pain over the years with my anxiety. Not eating to go to weddings, being a bit reclusive. I have been depressed at times but not excessively.
The main thing is that because we worked together so much, we would get home after a long commute and she'd be asking about work straight away. I could be snappy. So she thought I was unapproachable, sometimes. I have been a bit negait e about work, probably too much. Not always. I've had counselling etc.

I used to request more intimacy, she never really helped me to understand what she wants.
She can be a bit if a closed book.

So work and no kids have been problems.

She also says that she always planned outings and holidays. I didn't make effort. I just thought she liked doing it, she loves choosing quirky hotels etc.
I'm more if a shoulder/foot rub, holidngn hands kind of love language.

Don't think skirting any issues. I'll try to answer anything

@Hidingwhoiam
Yes I've been kind. I do my share of everything, contribute, take interest in her activities, her work. We live our cats, we have coffees in our lovely garden, cuddles, hand holding. Have a nice house, bright future financially speaking. Good families. Too much to list!
Other than being not sociable enough, I'm not really sure how all this adds up to the end. Maybe that's why I'm hoping it's not the end.

I think when she says she doesn't know what she wants, it's because she doesn't want to hurt you. When she says she's old and running out of time, she's talking about children. Years of being engaged and not marrying, trying for children and not conceiving, has taken the shine off for her. She's realising that it would most likely be just you and her for the rest of her life and she doesn't want that.

As I suggested before, let her go so that she can have children. And let her go so that you can also have a relationship where your needs are met.

@Hidingwhoiam
I think it's the overt kindness. She thinks I should be or will be angry about our situation. Only point where I might feel annoyed is if she never talks to me.

@Mycatatetherat
I think we have options. Adoption for example. So not just us.
There no guarantees that separation will solve these issues.

Don't think skirting any issues. I'll try to answer anything

But you havent answered exactly why you arent married and did she want to.

She also says that she always planned outings and holidays. I didn't make effort. I just thought she liked doing it, she loves choosing quirky hotels etc.

This attitude is a massive passion killer. The 'I just assumed you liked doing' really pisses women off and eventually become ambivilent. Especially if they put all the effort in, but can pick up on the fact that their partners dont want to do it.

I think it might be too late OP. I wouldn’t wait around. If you’ve asked her what she needs to make the relationship work and she’s still going I’m not sure there’s much hope at the moment.

Until 6 months ago it was normal, and then things changed - was there a reason for that which you are aware of?

Cheaters do tend to suddenly become like different people - when an affair starts they "explain" it by blaming their partner, and suddenly act unpleasantly towards them or complain about things they never mentioned before.
They act uncertain about what is going to happen, as they are not sure if the affair is going to last, so they are waiting to see how it goes before making any big decisions.
And the "love you but not in love" is what they all bloody say apparently!

I'd watch out for changes in the way she dresses, when she goes out, coming back late, taking up new hobbies, mentioning people from work who have done something really interesting, spending a lot of time on her mobile, the usual.

Sounds like you two had a lot going for you. I'm sorry that she seems to be bailing out. I'd suspect that she already has or is looking for someone who can father a child :( But this doesn't take away your chances.

let her go so that she can have children.
Pretty harsh thing to say to someone who can't have children!

@Hidingwhoiam thought i did answer. We got engaged. Implies she wanted to marry me at some point, doesn't it?
I know. Lazy in the holiday organisation. Not like I did nothing, just not enough.
But I read that there are different ways I depressing love, I'm apparently a service giver, i.e. little things (boring right?), she's apparently a gift giver.

Thanks @ravenmum

'let her go so that she can have children.
Pretty harsh thing to say to someone who can't have children'

It does hurt but there's some sense in the comment. Thing is we can probably have children, just not the traditional way. Doner of adoption. So we have options is how I'm seeing it.

The thing is, you can go over all the details and think about what you did wrong, but in the end, if she wants out, you can't change that. And there's another person out there waiting for someone who does exactly what you do, and would be sorry if you changed.

You can learn from this, sure, and it would be great if the experience helped you become more outgoing, if that is what you want. But practically speaking, it probably won't make a difference to this relationship.

thought i did answer. We got engaged. Implies she wanted to marry me at some point, doesn't it?

This is what I am talking about regarding why you actually didnt go through with it. You say, in part, IVF. But you were together 8 years before that.

So she agreed to marry you, why did a wedding never go ahead?

Personally I think love languages is a bit of a cop out. Not your cop out, just a cop out in general. I have been with dp 18 months, I know how he shows he loves me. It's different to me, but I know him well enough all the same. Surely you could recognise her 'love language' and reciprocate.

@ravenmum
The changes seemed to be the start of finding of a new job. she revised so intensely (quite complex job). I thought she was distant because so tired from that and helping sister thorugh her dissertation.

@Hidingwhoiam claasic guy stuff. I didn't want a big wedding. I always said how much I wanted to be married, just not a big wedding.
I can feel you cringing already!

OP, the issue here is that all that stuff that you thought she liked doing, putting off the wedding (rather than compromising) the anxiety and the issues it brings (I know, I have it), the lack of socialising together has slowly made her fall out of love.

I dont think there is anyone else, I think her new job will give her the excuse to move on.

I am sorry. I know it's not what you want to heat

Hear. Not heat.

@ravenmum
Very few of the clichéd cheater signs are there. I would be amazed if she was. I really hope not, but at least it would make things clear for me.
I ready don't believe she would.

@Hidingwhoiam
You are almost certainly right. But I'm prepared to cling to 1% of hope for now.

Don't forget to cling to your dignity too.

@ravenmum
I will. Thank you