(nearly) walk away wife - what chance over recovery?

[freddyf77]

hi everyone,

i am a despairing M42. My partner F35, not married, of 16 years tells me 'i love you but i'm not in love with you'. ok. we a re not married but other than the legal part i consider us hsuand and wife. she tells me she doesn't know what she wants so we really are in limbo. we still socialise together, go for walks and even have sex at times so i'm so confused. she is very distant. i love her more than anything.

i am freaking out but am trying to be very nice. I just want to fix it but need to not pressure her. It’s so hard while I’m so stressed. . She sees my overt kindness as temporary but i truly believe this is the wake up call we needed, and we can get through this if she will give us time. She feels old and that she’s running out of time. She’s young but can’t see it. but we got through it, or so i thought.

I have never been abusive. i have had anxiety which has limited our social life at times but i'm so much better than before and quite normal in that regard. i have over the years raised questions about wnating more intimacy but she never opened up all that much. we have had numerous IVFs that have failed (my sperm is the issue), and have worked together for nearly 10 years, with a long commute. so, in short, quite a lot of stress. i think work and IVF are the reasons for our probelms, rather than me being a bad partner. i can see i should have tried more with social apsect but i actaully thought she was content, going out with her friends and going on holdays with them etc.

She has a new job many miles away that starts in 7 week's time, and while that might give her some needed space, I am worried that she’ll slip away.
I read about ‘walk away wife’ and sometimes read that it’s reconcilable. Other blogs say not. Given that there has been no abuse, no cheating, very few big fallings out, and we still function in some ways, can I have hope?

I would really like to hear how others got through this sort of challenge.

Are you putting a deposit down with her knowledge, or doing it as a grand gesture with which you can surprise her? Because while the former isn't a very good idea, the latter is a disaster. At best, with how you say she's currently feeling, you're trying to buy her commitment to you and at worst you're forcing her hand because you've now thrown money at the problem. If I was her I'd be livid and so much further from coming back to the relationship. How can she work out what she wants without all that influence designed to sway her?

Ok youre right.

To be clear, whilst it's not the best idea, for sure. My plan was to say I am committed to being married IF we can get back on track.
If we don't then I'll swallow the loss of deposit.
So wasn't supposed to force her hand in any way.

I’ve sort of been your wife.

We tried for a substantial amount of time for a second child, including treatment and a very stressful loss. We also worked together.

Some years down the line I too loved my husband but wasn’t in love with him. There categorically wasn’t anyone else. The stress of living a “normal” life for our child plus putting on a front at work really changed everything for us. I felt more like we were friends or siblings.

We ended up separating which for us was the right thing to do.

Talk to her but don’t pressure her.

Thanks @JacquesHammer
We're not yet married, although for me the committment is complete.

Thanks for your story. I do try to talk to her very calmly but she feels its pressure.

She wants to get to her new job, she'll have to move out, and then work out if she needs or misses me. Hopefully she will.

That's another 6 weeks away though so I'm going insane over the uncertainty. Obvs doesn't help the situation at all.

So if your “calm talk” is feeling like pressure, what’s booking a wedding venue going to feel like to her?

So if your “calm talk” is feeling like pressure, what’s booking a wedding venue going to feel like to her?

Exactly this. It won’t appear a romantic gesture, just a physical manifestation of how you’re not listening to her.

Why would you put a deposit down on a wedding, when she isn't in love with you?

That's just sounding desperate and desperation isn't an attractive quality.

She doesn't seem to care much for you and the person who cares least in a relationship holds the most power.

You need to value yourself more and stop bowing down to her.

Quite honestly if a man ever said he loved, but wasn't in love with me, that would be the end of the relationship. I'm not hanging around to let the love come back.

If she gets pregnant after leaving you with a man she hasn't known long...that's her problem.

I want to address to all the posts about you not marrying her earlier and how cruel it is. Presumably she wasn't held at gunpoint by you and was free to leave if marriage wasn't forthcoming.

I hear too much of this stringing along business....you get strung if you allow it.

As a pp said.... hold on to your dignity.

@SandyY2K i see where you are coming from. But if my partner is having some sort of crisis, which based on literature it seems she maybe is, then surely I cannot abandon her so easily. She has stuck with me through tough times (although I never said I didn't love her!)

Of course, there might come a point where I have to walk away, or maybe she will make a final decision, but I feel I owe it to her/us to stand by her for as long as I can.

'that's her problem' , well yes it would be, but I still want best for her whether with me or not.

Have you tried talking to her? I see lots of gestures, and lots of quoting of "literature".... but no indication that the two of you have had a long honest sit-down conversation.

If she absolutely refuses to discuss anything, she is already out. Save yourselves both some pain, and use the talking time to discuss plans for separation and splitting your assets.

I don't think literature is the best way to analyse your partner's feelings. That's the job of a trained professional. You really need to talk to her rather than reading about what category her behaviour falls into. You need to listen to her. If she's saying it's over, it's over. If she's saying she doesn't know what she wants, give her space to figure it out or leave on your own terms. If she's saying she isn't in love with you, believe her. If I were her and I had even the slightest hint that you were analysing me, or telling her how I felt, there'd be no going back from that. So please tread carefully. You talk about the relationship as if it's a person in it's own right, but it's dependent on both of you to fight for it if it's going to be fought for.

Hi all, little update. Still in limbo really.

She has been opening up a little. Even starting discussion. She still 'doesn't know herself' but she sometimes cries a bit and apologizes for putting me through this. It's good to know she's not completely cold - she has been at times. She seems so lost, I feel so sorry for her.

As for me, I'm really up and down. Doing everything I can to not raise the issue. Losing weight (already underweight so not good). Anxious when she's not around.
Positives: I'm changing my workplace - long overdue - and re-engaging with mates.

She needs time, and for now I'm giving it to her. Hard trying to stay positive but it's my choice to stick with it for now. Not sure how long I'll last...

I think you need to prepare yourself for the likelihood that it’s over.

Please book some counselling for yourself to help you work things through. Don’t tell your partner, this is for you, not a way of manipulating her.

Thanks M0RVEN
I am preparing. Having had plenty of counselling over years I have little confidence in the process, it's so dependent on the quality of the professional which varies so much! Financially etc. there's little to do other than action things, there'll be no arguments in that regard.
I am hoping she wouldn't put me through all this if there was no chance of reconciliation. If she is dragging it out needlessly the at least resentment will help me get over her.

Agree with Morvan and Zelda. You say you have had counselling in the past but presumably this was for your anxiety and not focused on your relationship? Try Relate, on your own. Your partner may have been trying to tell you little things that were wrong for years without you really hearing her. It's hard to give up on such a long relationship but that may well be where this is heading.