Child Maintenance/ how to deal with this

[Moomin8]

My situation is a bit complicated. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and the father and I have had a rocky relationship due to him and his 'all over the place' emotions . We don't live together. He says he loves me but after all the messing around I'm weary of the situation. It was my birthday recently and he wanted us to go away together for the weekend but I said no because there is a pattern of us having a really nice few days together then the next week he'll say he doesn't see any future with me.

He's very supportive about the baby and comes to all appointments and seems to be looking forward to / excited about being a father again.

However, he keeps bringing up his worries about child maintenance as we are not a cohabiting couple.

He has a good job and has just been able to buy a house but he keeps going on about how his standard of living is going to drop. He's 50 and worried that he won't be able to retire at 65. Which I can understand.

He keeps asking me 'what I expect him to pay' which I can't possibly know because I don't know what he earns. He is very against the CMS working it out and seems to take the idea of their involvement as some kind of personal insult. But surely that's the fairest thing to do because they take all circumstances into account?

He keeps bringing it up and I don't know what he wants me to say?

I'm not sure if I should have posted in money matters or here. Any advice?

You can use the online calculator together - bear in mind this is the minimum suggested amount so I would say double it.

You say he has other children - how was maintenance decided for them?

I don't know - his other children are grown up now.

He wouldn't want me to know how much he earns.

Just call CMS as soon as the baby is born.

They will find out how much he earns.

He doesn't want you to know because he wants to get away with paying you less than he should. He needs to compromise somewhere - he can't expect you to say how much you want without any facts, either he lays out an offer of what HE thinks he can give or you'll have to go through CMS.

Unfortunately for him he doesn't get to decide whether you know how much he earns or if you decide to go via child maintenance. In my opinion he should already be paying you or at the very least when you go on maternity leave.

Well he’s concerned about his standard of living - what about your standard of living and his child’s standard of living?

The fact he won’t be open and honest is a personal insult to you.

Again, why?

Why would you get yourself pregnant by such a feckless mean spirited older man?

It’s madness.

If he won't tell you how much he earns you can't work out an amount. I would contact cms as soon as the baby arrives.

The relationship sounds very up and down and it sounds like he is already preparing you for him not paying for his child. He wants the good bits of being a parent without having to pay for his child's support. I would just go through CMS and not rely on him making voluntary payments when he decides that he can "afford" it.

He should not be retiring at 65 anyway - a person who is only 50 now will not reach statutory retirement age until the age of 67.

If he won’t tell you how much he earns then the only way to do it is work out how much it will cost to raise the baby and ask him to pay half. Take into account all bills eg rent electricity as well as direct baby costs like food. There are probably websites that can give you an idea

I suspect he will baulk at this given his attitude so far and you will end up with CMS.

Imo the feckless fucker don't get to decide. Leave it to cms and make sure he pays up for baby equipment etc too.
His finances aren't your concern. Your baby comes first.

How old are you OP? I'm presuming this is your 1st child.
From my experience men will always try and hide their money especially if you aren't living together etc
They will always try and get away with it and it infuriates me as to why as a child is 50/50 and why wouldn't you want to pay for your own child?

He says I can't 'feel the fear' from his side but I'm going to have to lose money too whilst I'm off work on maternity leave.

He seems to want us to make a signed agreement without asking the CMS to calculate anything.

If he's so worried about money, I have no idea why he wants the baby to have unnecessary expensive stuff. I've managed to get my calculation much lower than his of stuff we'll need to start with.

Either he shows you a payslip or you go through CMS. I would not accept an offer without seeing a payslip.

Remind him than CMS is considered the MINIMUM that a non resident parent should be contributing.

I suspect that the reason he wants you to pick the level of maintenance is entirely because he earns more than you think. Don’t be forced into a decision, tell him that the fairest thing for both of you is to go through the CMS, and keep repeating that blandly. Then save like mad for the future because he will definitely retire as early as possible and your maintenance will likely drop dramatically.

I would also now be wary of what he tells you regarding income.

He is clearly accustomed to his standard of living and is concerned the baby will effect that, and could possibly lie about his income to continue living this lifestyle.

If you decide not to go through CSA I would advise you to request to see a payslip annually. I ended up having to go through CSA as my ex supposedly never had a pay rise in 8 years but all other aspects of his life improved ie house, car etc.

Turns out he was earning nearly double that we were calculating the payments on when we originally split and had been shafting me for years

Actually it's not my first child - I also have older children. My ex husband pays CM for them.

I am on the spectrum and hate talking with people about money anyway.

I got the feeling he's asking me if he can just buy all the required stuff we need to start out and then not make a monthly payment.

He goes on holiday every year, whereas I can't afford this.

He's just constantly complaining that he's got no money.

Ignore whatever he says about Child support. Don’t even discuss it with him. Once the baby is born contact CMS and let them work out what he should pay.

His standard of living changing is a direct result of his choice to have unprotected sex.

@Moomin8 so he pays a one of contribution and you support your child for the next 18+ years

That's the funniest thing I have seen on the internet today this guy is a cheeky fucker

'Turns out he was earning nearly double that we were calculating the payments on when we originally split and had been shafting me for years '

My ex husband did the same!

You can use the online calculator together - bear in mind this is the minimum suggested amount so I would say double it.

don't take that awful advice! double it would be nearly half his salary which lets face it would be unreasonable.

cms don't really take all circumstances into account, but I would still say they are probably the fairest way unless you can come to an agreement between yourselves.

also its not up to him to pay half your rent and bills like rainbow says - he is contributing to your child not you.

The CMS calculation is only about 9% of income for one child. So it's not loads. But I'd be happy to go by their calculation.

I think @Rainbowqueeen is saying he needs to contribute towards rent because I won't be working and his child needs a home after all.

Love how he's so concerned about his own standard of living but not for the child's that he's helping to bring into the world.

As soon as the baby is born, apply to CMS for proper support for his child.

Sorry you picked such a selfish arsehole to be your baby's father.