Child Maintenance/ how to deal with this

[Moomin8]

My situation is a bit complicated. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and the father and I have had a rocky relationship due to him and his 'all over the place' emotions . We don't live together. He says he loves me but after all the messing around I'm weary of the situation. It was my birthday recently and he wanted us to go away together for the weekend but I said no because there is a pattern of us having a really nice few days together then the next week he'll say he doesn't see any future with me.

He's very supportive about the baby and comes to all appointments and seems to be looking forward to / excited about being a father again.

However, he keeps bringing up his worries about child maintenance as we are not a cohabiting couple.

He has a good job and has just been able to buy a house but he keeps going on about how his standard of living is going to drop. He's 50 and worried that he won't be able to retire at 65. Which I can understand.

He keeps asking me 'what I expect him to pay' which I can't possibly know because I don't know what he earns. He is very against the CMS working it out and seems to take the idea of their involvement as some kind of personal insult. But surely that's the fairest thing to do because they take all circumstances into account?

He keeps bringing it up and I don't know what he wants me to say?

I'm not sure if I should have posted in money matters or here. Any advice?

presumably you were renting the same home before you got pregnant though as you have other kids? so I don't see why he should pay half your rent, obviously you can use your CM for whatever you want so some of it may go towards your rent which is fine, but directly asking him to pay half your rent and bills is a bit off I think.

I thought it was more than 9% so I stand corrected there!

He doesn’t legally have to pay any extras, only what CMS calculates. You may get shafted if you come to a personal arrangement so I would contact CMS as soon as the baby is born.

I've not said at any point that he should pay half my rent 🧐

I just don't see why he is so against the CMS working it out. It's the only fair way isn't it?

moomin I know you haven't, I just didn't want you to take the bad advice of other posters!

Fairness is important to me and we aren't going to get on if I try & fleece him which will be bad for the child anyway - if we can get on that will be better all around.

I just think he's trying to get me to say 'don't worry you don't need to pay anything'

It's complicated enough that we aren't properly separated. I'm just not allowing him to spend time with me / sleep together at the moment because I don't need the added complication.

definitely don't say that! [grim]

I would just go to cms (you wont be able to do the calculator yourself if you don't know his income) because theres not much else you can do in this situation, however if he is so anti cms he might try to get out of it anyway!

should have been not [grim] oops!!

Everyone considers themselves to have 'no money' if they're going to have to pay for something they didn't before.

He's making me feel like if I asked the CMS to work it out that would be a betrayal 🤨

did eh pay cms for his other kids, or did he live with them when they were young? could his hatred of it be something to do with them?

if you new his income you could come to an arrangement yourselves, so id tell him because he wont give you this info you have no choice but to use CMS

This is one of the oddest threads I've read. Are you together or not? I understand it's a bit rocky but if you're in a relationship then surely you both just pay towards the baby without any need for CMS to be involved?

It feels like another women out to grab as much money as possible.

It feels like another women out to grab as much money as possible.

Really? Or maybe you're just projecting from your own situation

He's very unpredictable and has, at times during our 'relationship' gone back to his ex, then back to me...and so on.

I haven't even mentioned money once to him. He's the one who keeps bringing it up, complaining about how scared he is. Which makes me concerned that when the baby is born I'll be left with him making excuses as to why he shouldn't contribute.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl what he told me is that he paid £2k a month maintenance for his other two children. Which sounds like a lot but that's just what he says.

2k a month is a lot! is he a v high earner?

could that be why he doesn't want to go to CMS as he knows it will likely be quite a bit?

ps id sack him off as a partner he sounds like a bit of a knob!!

Also @Butterflyone1 keep your misogyny to yourself. It's much easier for men to divorce themselves of their responsibility generally.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl I have literally no idea what he earns - I would never normally ask someone that anyway.

maybe not but in this situation it is more usual that partners do know what each other are earning!

I am in a similar situation, my partner and I live seperately and he does not pay any maintenence for our son. This was an agreement that we made between ourselves before trying for a baby. I am financially responsible for our son but my partner contributes in other ways - for example he pays for a car which I use, always pays when we go for meals and trips out, will occasionally pay for my supermarket shop etc. This arrangement works really well for us, it may not be suitable for all couples but if the father doesn't want to or can't pay child support maybe there is another way that he can financially support you. I imagine that getting in touch with the authorities immediately and getting them to chase him for child support from day one may make him a bit angry and may not ve the decision if you want to continue in a relationship with him. I would try to come to a private arrangement first and if that doesn't work then approach the relevant authorities.

Surely you must have an idea if he earns a lot or a basic wage

His lifestyle will typically answer this for you. Ie what size of house he has, does he own or rent. Fancy car or Standard. Eats out a lot or shops in Aldi. Regular foreign holidays. I'm not saying all these things mean somebody is well off it's just a general indication

I think if your in a relationship with somebody you should have a good idea where they are financially even if you don't know there salary.

He owns his own house, has a company car and therefore all his petrol costs covered by work. He goes on holiday every year to an AI 5* resort. He eats out quite a lot and does not generally seem to be short of money.

But really all of the above could be funded on credit cards.

Tell him you expect 12% of his income up until £800 a week and then 9% of the amount above that.
Otherwise known as the CMS formula.

. I imagine that getting in touch with the authorities immediately and getting them to chase him for child support from day one may make him a bit angry

Why though if he has nothing to hide? At the moment he's trying to make me agree to a figure - I can't possibly know what's fair can I?

He says I can't 'feel the fear' from his side

Oh fuck OFF. (Him not you.) What a fucking baby. If he's so bloody scared of his (evidently very nice) standard of living falling, then maybe he should have got a vasectomy before he started fucking younger women at age 50.

Go through the CMS. He's treating this as a GIANT INSULT because he wants to pressure/bamboozle you into accepting less than the CMS minimum and he doesn't want you to know his salary. You cannot trust him financially for a moment, so put it in the hands of the pros.

Also, honestly, why on earth are you even contemplating continuing some form of relationship with this man? He's quite willing to screw both you and his child over and would clearly leave you both without a penny if he thought he could get away with it. Recognise what he is, i.e. a user, a loser, and an ex, and start expecting more for yourself and your baby.