Child Maintenance/ how to deal with this

[Moomin8]

My situation is a bit complicated. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and the father and I have had a rocky relationship due to him and his 'all over the place' emotions . We don't live together. He says he loves me but after all the messing around I'm weary of the situation. It was my birthday recently and he wanted us to go away together for the weekend but I said no because there is a pattern of us having a really nice few days together then the next week he'll say he doesn't see any future with me.

He's very supportive about the baby and comes to all appointments and seems to be looking forward to / excited about being a father again.

However, he keeps bringing up his worries about child maintenance as we are not a cohabiting couple.

He has a good job and has just been able to buy a house but he keeps going on about how his standard of living is going to drop. He's 50 and worried that he won't be able to retire at 65. Which I can understand.

He keeps asking me 'what I expect him to pay' which I can't possibly know because I don't know what he earns. He is very against the CMS working it out and seems to take the idea of their involvement as some kind of personal insult. But surely that's the fairest thing to do because they take all circumstances into account?

He keeps bringing it up and I don't know what he wants me to say?

I'm not sure if I should have posted in money matters or here. Any advice?

£2000 a month is more than most earn in wages.

He must be on a massive income
There is a check my wage app. Try that.

Do NOT tell him a figure.

By the sounds of it on one hand he is half trying to still shag you and be with you in some sense yet on the other he's talking about child maintenance as if you're a separated couple? Mindfuck.

From what you've said on here he does not sound like a nice caring person at all. He wants to shaft you financially and only worries about himself and his standard of life. It's quite clear he doesn't really see you as a team and keeps putting all these "worries" on you and hoping you'll give him an easy ride.

I say make sure he doesn't end up back in your bed, go through CMS and don't listen to the bullshit.

He told me about the £2000 for his other kids before I was ever pregnant. I thought it sounded like a lot tbh but maybe he just said this so I thought he was virtuous.

@Moomin8 true it could all be funded with credit cards however in order for lenders to consider giving him the limit he needs to support this he would need to have a decent salary.

Whether he lives out-with his means is of no concern to your child.

Ok, I'll just try not to engage with him when he talks about it. I feel it's very early to be discussing money anyway.

Yeah, I reckon the £2k was some cheap and easy virtue signalling, trying to convince you that he is some kind of Superdad. Which, either he is a high earner and should grow up and stick his hand in his pocket/be open already, or he's a liar, in which case he should grow up and stick his hand in his pocket already.

Sense a theme?

Do his dc /ex know about the baby? Maybe he is reluctant to have cms involved as you would have paperwork and proof he is the df?

His dc know. They are grown up now

The cms rate for one child is 12% not 9%. I'd definitely go down the official route with him.

He's just annoying. I think that it boils down to the fact that he's selfish. I don't want to hear his complaints about money - he says he doesn't have any savings. But I don't either - why are his needs greater than mine?

Give him two options (a) he shows you his p60 for last financial year (or tax return if he's not paye) OR you will go through cms once the baby is born.

I would suggest you mention a figure of 10% of his pay plus help with certain things, but mention you want him to play a full part in his child's life.

Stop feeling like your being unfair, tell him since your not married, he needs to step up .

He's trying to get out of paying, the tight selfish prick. Just go through CMS. if he cries and complains just smile nicely and say "well that's what they worked it out as, it's so much easier keeping it all official, don't you think?" and change the subject

Apparently he feels he is entitled to retire at 60 having worked hard since he was 17. If he wasn't having this baby then he would be able to pay his mortgage off by 60. So there's the answer...

That's a nice idea, pity he has to change his plans due to his inability to use contraception and the resulting new life he has created. You don't get to opt out of providing for your children because it doesn't suit your future plans.

It costs on average, for a single parent family to bring up a child for 18 years, £102,627. That is on average £475 a month, shared in half £237.50.

This is not taking into consideration that the majority of single parent's (90% are mothers), are entitled to benefits if they choose to work part time or even full time.

I pointed out to him that I will be able to work longer than he will, because I'm 11 years younger. Obviously.

I am sick of him. One week he's the doting father, so excited and gushing about what a great dad he'll be. The next he's having a go at me and saying I should have had a termination because now he won't be able to go travelling.

I have a mind to cut him off. If he's all over the place with me like this (and has been from the start), he'll be the same with our child which will lead to our child having emotional problems.

He is only considering his needs because he is selfish. Once you just fully understand that then it will make your decisions easier.

If you have to force him to pay a fair amount then this isn't a good relationship and it should end but the alternative is to accept whatever scraps he decides to give.

How will you fund childcare when the baby is born? I think he needs to contribute half of childcare and a 50% to the child's costs, food, clothes, savings.

What will you do about the child's surname?

How will you fund childcare when the baby is born? I think he needs to contribute half of childcare and a 50% to the child's costs, food, clothes, savings

As nice as that would be that's way beyond his legal obligation. If he's quibbling over a measly 12% of his salary he's hardly going to consider the above proposal is he? Even if you're speaking morally/hypothetically your scenario doesn't work unless access rights and any child related benefits are automatically split 50/50 as a default starting position, which they're not at present.

OP how does he get on with his older child(ren)? Is it likely he might step up once the baby is on?

One of his children has cut him out of his life and the other he does see but this child has obvious emotional issues and although an adult, breaks down all the time and falls out with his dad a lot (usually his dads fault from what I can see)

He is indeed very selfish. I'm so fed up with him chopping and changing as well.

To me the whole thing is another episode of him having a tantrum because he thinks he deserves more than other people. Which happens a lot.

I know he ought to pay but would you be able to manage financially without his contribution if it meant you could cut him out entirely from your life? I'm a step parent so I'm very pro-fathers being involved but in your case your baby's dad sounds like he would do more harm than good by sporadically being in your child's life.

Well if I had to I'd manage - there is no other alternative. And I'm inclined to agree with you.

Just go through the CSA.
Why be too proud to give yourself and child a financial leg up.
Would you rather struggle knowing the dad had six holidays this year.

Go through the CMS - stops all arguments.

If he starts questioning why you have used the CMS state that.