DH unless I change that's it

[earlgreymarl]

I don't know what to do so posting here.

It is impossible to discuss anything with DH without him taking it like a personal attack. He twists my words / paraphrasing what I say then gets even more mad / upset when I don't comfort him when he is crying / upset cos he has escalated it or gone into victim mode, as in he will say " it's all me , you always blame me , why am I always wrong " etc even over relatively small things. It's impossible. I don't always blame him, but I am in a can't do right for doing wrong situation.

He gets to tears and self pity really easily, even when the issue is not to do directly with him or is s minor thing. Then because I am arguing or disagree with what he says I said, I am the bad guy and always having a go etc.

Tonight he said I have to change or it's over and house will be sold. So change means , I think effectively me never disagreeing and me responding to his emotional needs.

Because he is so draining I have got to point where I don't rely on him emotionally. He says I do nothing for him but I spent time before we were married and through the birth and early years of our son dedicating myself to him , my son and family home. Now I work, he does not do the extra things I did and I don't feel inclined to make effort towards him. Basically on a relationship level it has all come from me previously.

He never suggests a night out, makes anything special for me, anything that married couples might do.

He has unresolved MH issues, we have a 6 yest old DS.

What do i do. How do I change, aside from giving less of sh1t about my own needs and pandering more to his.

I think he is serious.

What do you do? Hold the door open for him to leave. Put yourself first, don’t change. He sounds atrocious.

Open a new bank account and have your check deposited to it.
See a lawyer.
Get an appraisal of the value of the house.
Arrange after school childcare.
Then tell him how helpful you have been and all the things you have done to make his departure easier.
Oh yes, have the house re-keyed after his departure.

Maybe go to Relate for counselling to explore whether you want to stay in your marriage. Frankly, he sounds like a bit of a man baby dickhead.

I think he is trying to manipulate you.
If you agree to change you'll be walking on eggshells.
It sounds very tiring OP I'd be turning his ultimatum around on him.
He probably needs counselling of sort to deal with his issues, they're not your issues.

Thanks everyone. I think he does need help but he won't listen and this has been going on for over a year now but he won't get help although he has been on ADs ( refused counselling) and now it's like he keeps a measure of my wrongs and how I am never there for him apparently. He just can't cope / communicate stuff then basically blames me for not being enough / there for him / hugging him etc.

He / we did discuss marriage counselling back in April , even something positive like prepping for a holiday etc was hard work with communication issues , but (almost as a test ) I thought see if he actually arranges / initiates anything. Of course, he did not.

You’ll never be perfect for him. There will always be something you’ll need to change.

Do you want that for the rest of your life?

I am worn down . I want to put my son first but basically have given up on my own life in terms of relationship / intimacy / being treated like a wife / woman. I have told him I am worn down with it all and not happy, he couldn't see past his own meltdowns.

Run like hell. That's what you do.

"I've been thinking about what you said. You're absolutely right. We can't go on like this. Please let me know who will be representing you so that I can pass the details on to my solicitor to start divorce proceedings ".

He has problems you are never going to fix. All that will happen is that the bottomless pit will suck you in, and you will end up a shadow of your former self. Your DS won't get the parenting he needs while you are dancing around trying to be everything to your H, playing 'guess what I need next' and dealing with recriminations 'but what I really wanted was...' You are not a mind reader and keeping up with shifting goalposts is exhausting.

Get your house valued. Get a solicitor. Track down all paperwork relating to joint accounts, investments, house mortgage, deeds, etc. Open a bank account in your own name.

Call his bluff.

This sounds like a miserable life - agree with pp he will never be happy and you will constantly be waking on eggshells. Nope, not worth it especially for someone who doesn't give you anything back. Time to cut your losses.

He's gaslighting you. Leave.

Until he can look after himself, you need to separate.
Otherwise he will constantly look at you to fix him.
You need to look after DS and yourself.

Yup. Get out. He's only dragging you down. And he won't change. You'll be so, so, so much happier once you are free of him

What PP's said.

Gaslighting you into believing everything is your fault and you must change..... and it’s working because you actually believe him. OP get out of this bad situation asap.

Let the house get sold. In fact, initiate it. He only cares about himself. You will only end up resenting him more and being miserable.

Forget the couple counselling, life will be more peaceful for everyone if you break up, especially DS you don't want him picking up on and learning this behaviour.
We model our parents the good and the bad.
Take sometime away to think clearly dont put this off, years will pass, it'll destroy you.

I really feel for you. I suggest you read The verbal abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. It will help you understand what is going on. I suspect he is projecting his behaviour onto you. Also he holds grudges (for actual or perceived slights) and therefore feels entitled to punish you with his passive behaviour, which is why you are picking up all the workload.

Once you understand the dynamics you will respond better and his hostility will have less damaging impact. A good mantra is to observe not absorb. Watch what he does and how he is acting during these outbursts rather than react to the words.

You may not feel ready to leave yet but it is likely that you will at some stage. Start a journal to record all these incidents. It will help you know how crazy the behaviour is.

Before telling him I would recommend that you prepare first by having a solicitor lined up and ready. This is very important as someone with a victim mentality is usually very difficult to divorce as he will not take any responsibility and will seek to blame you.

Joint counselling doesn't work and isn't recommended when you have this dynamic. Most counsellors don't understand and are likely to validate his feelings which will make life worse for you.

If you can, access counselling for yourself. Do you have a supportive family or friends?

Agree with pps. That is no way to live. Even if you ‘changed’ it wouldn’t help him. Let him go.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Some abusive men do use MH issues when infact they are abusive full stop. Tears also from such men can be used to further manipulate their chosen target. This man will simply go onto tie you up further in knots as well as giving you spaghetti head.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. Do not continue to do your bit here in showing him such a crap, and abusive, example of a relationship.

Would be interested in his view of this.

OP- have you heard of EUPD? Might be worth a google.

And I second what other posters have said re: steps you could now take to end the r’ship. Wishing you all the best, as it’ll be tough, but you’ll come out the other side feeling lighter, happier and able to breathe once again.

You can't go on with this. You aren't his mummy. You have an actual child to care for, you don't need an adult sized whiny baby as a husband. His issues are his to sort out. Whatever you do for him will never be enough. He needs professional help.

Please get yourself and your child out of this awful situation. It's toxic and will endanger your own mental health - and your child needs you more than your husband, who will drain your resources.

It sounds like narcissistic injury - if you disagree with him, you are not following his idea of what should happen and he is threatened by it.