DH unless I change that's it

[earlgreymarl]

I don't know what to do so posting here.

It is impossible to discuss anything with DH without him taking it like a personal attack. He twists my words / paraphrasing what I say then gets even more mad / upset when I don't comfort him when he is crying / upset cos he has escalated it or gone into victim mode, as in he will say " it's all me , you always blame me , why am I always wrong " etc even over relatively small things. It's impossible. I don't always blame him, but I am in a can't do right for doing wrong situation.

He gets to tears and self pity really easily, even when the issue is not to do directly with him or is s minor thing. Then because I am arguing or disagree with what he says I said, I am the bad guy and always having a go etc.

Tonight he said I have to change or it's over and house will be sold. So change means , I think effectively me never disagreeing and me responding to his emotional needs.

Because he is so draining I have got to point where I don't rely on him emotionally. He says I do nothing for him but I spent time before we were married and through the birth and early years of our son dedicating myself to him , my son and family home. Now I work, he does not do the extra things I did and I don't feel inclined to make effort towards him. Basically on a relationship level it has all come from me previously.

He never suggests a night out, makes anything special for me, anything that married couples might do.

He has unresolved MH issues, we have a 6 yest old DS.

What do i do. How do I change, aside from giving less of sh1t about my own needs and pandering more to his.

I think he is serious.

I’m sorry that sounds exhausting and miserable - no advice from me but hoping some sympathy will help.

Well I'm not going to criticise your dh because IME there is usually fault on both sides when it comes to marriage breakdown.

As pp have said, his tears may be manipulative, narcissistic, gaslighting and abusive.

Or they may be the product of a desperately unhappy or unwell man, who has some justified complaints about his wife. Not all wives can be perfect surely?

Nobody here can tell you whether he's right or wrong op, because we just don't know enough. But it does sound like you're both desperately unhappy and miserable together, and soldiering on under promises to 'change' never end well. Marriage counselling might be worth a shot, if you both want it, and considering that you have a child. Otherwise, make plans to separate and co-parent while you can still do so amicably.

You let him bloody go that’s what you do, you can’t live with these histrionics and tantrums every time you disagree with him!

He’s a tosser, get him out. You and your son will be far happier without him I can assure you.

If he is very unwell and his way of handling it is to blame you, rather than get himself sorted, there is nothing you can do . I left in your circumstances, and that was in the end the thing that eventually made him realise he needed help, he was of the “real men don’t get mental health problems” mindset.

I think it’s easie4 now than when the child is older

I think my trigger was realising that his problems were negatively affecting DD. realising that she should not be seeing a woman and wife being treated as I was.

You can't live like this without it ruining your own mental health OP.

@hellodarkness, marriage counselling isn't recommended when one party won't take responsibility and a marriage breakdown CAN be caused by one persons behaviour.

No one is perfect and Op isn't suggesting she is however they are disordered/toxic people who create a trail of destruction. If you have no experience of this then I understand why you can't relate. If you spend time in womens DV centres you will have a different perspective that confirms some people cause relationship breakups due to recognised personality disorders.

He is taking no personal responsability for his own mental health, in my eyes hes just as abusive as someone who shouts when they are challenged.

Its completely unnaceptable to issue ultimatums over something you have absolutely no control over, he sounds like a histrionic brat.

You could try couples councelling as a last ditch attempt but if he wont engage i would say end it, or he will drain the life right out if you.

Oh fuck it with this 'marriage breakdown isn't caused by only one person'. It can be and often is.

OP, your DH needs to step up and do some changing of his own. Collaborate with counselling. Improve the way he communicates with you. Take some initiatives. If he won't - and I suspect this is what will happen - then you start divorce proceedings. You've got plenty of unreasonable behaviour to be going on with. He can't just say 'unless you change, I'm leaving' - it doesn't work that way.

My situation was similar
STBXH has unresolved MH issues for our entire marriage. And will still not admit there’s anything wrong.
I wasted my life being his carer , it used me up as there was no support or love for me.
I am now divorcing and starting again at 55. Please don’t waste your life. You do not need to change, he does.

He's threatening to end the relationship, don't look at that as a threat, see it as a promise that you hope he will keep

My ex was like this for most of the marriage. He’d take everything so personally and would never really ‘hear’ what I was saying. It’s insidious behaviour and gradually grinds you down if, like me, you end up not speaking up because you can’t bear yet another scene. It ruins healthy lines of communication and is, frankly, a rubbish way to live.
I think you need to say to him, look, actually, it’s you that needs to change but if you’re not willing to try then yes, I think we’re done, as I can’t go on living like this, afraid to speak my mind with you and forever walking on eggshells.

Thanks v much everyone. I had not heard of many of those things.

@giraffey1 that's it exactly it grinds you down. Still trying to absorb the implications. Due to go away for a week soon just with DS so that will create some space to think about what next. So sad but probably needed to hear this stuff . Sorry for those who have been through similar.

Not sure what he will be expecting me to say. Whether he is actually thinking I am going to give him an assurance that I will change etc. Deffo don't want to get into it all in front of DS anyway.

DH has an amazing ability to create separateness over ordinary things , I don't think he actually does it consciouslly but don't know. maybe it is only me who has been hanging onto the concept of family / couple.

Things like each buying DS bday / Xmas gifts separately rather than from mum & dad , different days of responsibility for DS , a concept he referred to ages ago but was odd to me. I can't be the one to bring everything to the table. It's only weird when you write it out .

But thanks everyone, some good advice and encouragement. Nothing else to say really, didn't mean to go off into another topic on my last post. It is all pretty clear.

What is his payoff for this behaviour? I see the separtness as control. He doesn't want to have to discuss/debate with you so does his own thing. Ex h was like this and rather than compromise on a holiday or even discuss a holiday he would insist on taking DC solo so everything was on his terms. If we jointly agreed something he would later say he was controlled. He is always the victim which makes any partner always the "abuser".

Did your H have a hostile childhood? It often stems from childhood and becomes hardwired so not something that can be changed.

He instinctively create separation between you because he doesn't wants to be in an equal partnership, he wants a master servant setup where he gets to have his way and you do his bidding

btw, life is so much better now !

What better way to avoid narcissistic injury than never to have to negotiate or compromise...

It's concerning that he has a view of DS as someone who doesn't require negotiation or compromise, someone he can have to himself on 'his' days with none of the complexity or complications that he sees in the relationship with you, and can't cope with (i.e. the normal give and take of a relationship).

He is in for a terrible jolt when DS develops his own opinions and his own voice, and sadly, once that happens DS will be the target of a huge amount of anger and hostility and accusations of turning against him (with accompanying accusations against you that you have alienated DS from his father)..

@mathanxiety, spot on, you have described exactly what happens when children get older. I lived that life.

Maybe he feels like he can treat you this way because he doesn’t realise that you don’t need him? It’s remarkable how many people stop being shit in a relationship after they realise that the other person could leave if they were so inclined.

Sadly, that is the experience my DCs have had too, lifebegins50. They are all low or no contact with exH now.

His issues go a lot further and deeper than just wanting you to change - he has very deep-rooted control issues. I doubt he'll get better. his entire world view is tied up with control. And as Math says, when your DS starts developing independence, he won't handle it well. My DH completely failed to handle our DDs growing up, and he didn't have half the issues yours has.

I'd be thinking very seriously about getting out at this point.

Run as fast as you can.

I just feel so angry now. Was looking up narcissistic injury earlier, had never heard of it but it looks spot on.

He didn't say anything else to me until this afternoon when he told me he had emailed relate to sort out marriage counselling.

After DS was out the way I said that I would think about his ultimatum (really to draw out the link between that and the bizarreness of then suggesting counselling) and consider what to do.

I asked why he thought counselling would work if he had said the reason why he refused to go to counselling etc for his depression was because he couldn't explain / talk about his feelings. He admitted he had been lying about being better mental health wise , but still adamant that me not being there enough for him is the main issue.

He has agreed now to go to counseling and sort out tomorrow. I have agreed to go to relate only so we can get help to sort out separation etc.

He wondered why I was quiet at the dinner table.

I have smashed up our wedding photo and taken down the other family photos.

My son and I cried before he went to sleep.

DH doesn't seem to fully get the magnitude. I said we should be ashamed of ourselves, we should have done better for our son. He maintains I am not there for him and he has done everything I have asked. In response to my unhappiness, he says nothing.

He did layer day that he is sorry for whatever has happened to him. I wish he had listened and actually got help instead of putting it on me .

I just feel angry now, I rarely do but it is basically all wrecked and he doesn't see it.

Thanks everyone for all the comments today.

@earlgreymarl

This is the worst part you are entering. However you will come through the other side a much stronger and happier person - I promise. I've been there. It's not easy but you can do it and will do it - you have to for the sake of your mental health and your sons.

Remember there always be Mumsnetters here to hand hold whenever needed x

earlgrey Neon is right - this is the hardest bit. Knowing your marriage is over and being powerless to change that is incredibly hard. But you need to do this, for your sake and your DS'.

Your life without him will be so much better. The same goes for your DS. You will experience normal emotions, everyday happiness - all without the shadow of his relentless blame and negativity in your lives. Juts keep believing that the issue is him. Not you.