DH unless I change that's it

[earlgreymarl]

I don't know what to do so posting here.

It is impossible to discuss anything with DH without him taking it like a personal attack. He twists my words / paraphrasing what I say then gets even more mad / upset when I don't comfort him when he is crying / upset cos he has escalated it or gone into victim mode, as in he will say " it's all me , you always blame me , why am I always wrong " etc even over relatively small things. It's impossible. I don't always blame him, but I am in a can't do right for doing wrong situation.

He gets to tears and self pity really easily, even when the issue is not to do directly with him or is s minor thing. Then because I am arguing or disagree with what he says I said, I am the bad guy and always having a go etc.

Tonight he said I have to change or it's over and house will be sold. So change means , I think effectively me never disagreeing and me responding to his emotional needs.

Because he is so draining I have got to point where I don't rely on him emotionally. He says I do nothing for him but I spent time before we were married and through the birth and early years of our son dedicating myself to him , my son and family home. Now I work, he does not do the extra things I did and I don't feel inclined to make effort towards him. Basically on a relationship level it has all come from me previously.

He never suggests a night out, makes anything special for me, anything that married couples might do.

He has unresolved MH issues, we have a 6 yest old DS.

What do i do. How do I change, aside from giving less of sh1t about my own needs and pandering more to his.

I think he is serious.

Thanks @neon. My mind is blown with the implications of everything.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad OP, it's always difficult and upsetting when we come to these realizations, it just sounds as if he's not able to function in a partnership, alone be a parent?

@Whosorrynow yes tbh it has not felt like a partnership for a while, more of a tag team . I think he was happier when everything revolved around him and the house and his needs were given priority.

Oh, he is very much a narcissist, isn't he?? You will be so, so much happier and healthier without that around draining the life out of you.

Surely you can get a meagre order on the house so you can continue living there with your child?

I certainly can’t see how he can decide he is selling the house.

Mesher, not meagre. Bloody autocorrect!

"Unresolved" MH issues but you need to change?

"marriage counselling isn't recommended when one party won't take responsibility and a marriage breakdown CAN be caused by one persons behaviour."

Absolutely one person can destroy a marriage. I wasn't perfect at all. But I did not deserve to be treated the way I was. The ultimate difference between us was that I was willing to take responsibility and try to improve my shortcomings.

It jars with me when people say "marriage counselling isn't recommended when..." because no one can say through these few posts whether it is going to help or not, There are situations where couple therapy is not recommended, eg a pattern of violence, substance abuse, severe mental health. I don't see it here with the information given. I say this as a couple therapist. They haven't even tried it yet. Are people really saying don't even try it? When there is a child involved? Maybe the therapy could help the DH see his role in the problem. The type of therapy I do draws this out early on, with diagrams. It may be irretrievable now, or it may be worth trying.

It doesn't matter if there is a child involved.

This man has unresolved MH issues. He is manipulative.

No therapist should consider couples counseling.