Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP - facing a life changing decision...

70 replies

YellowSaffron · 20/07/2019 22:28

I have been with DH for 14 years, we have 3 dcs, 13, 8, 5.
We have a nice life here, I have my family, friends, and a good career.
DH is introverted and hasn't made many friends here.
DH has dual european nationality, and wants to go and live in one of the countries he is a national of, though not his home country, and he has no family there. He wants to go for the lifestyle, better quality of life, opportunities for the whole family. For years he's asked his employer for a transfer and has finally been given a permanent one. He is obvs very pleased, we have found a good international school for the dcs, and a nice house.
He is a nice man, and a good dad, we have had our ups and downs too.
But, here comes the big but, for the last few years we have had no 'proper' relationship with each other, we get on well as friends and co-parents, he wants intimacy I don't, and though I love him, I am no longer attracted to him, though very occasionally might feel something for him. The dcs want us all to stay together as a family.
Given the relationship I think it would be utterly foolish to relocate, I'm worried I will hate it, I don't speak the language, have no friends, or work - but will have lots of leisure time. If I hate it I don't think it will be easy for me to leave with dcs, and I think the laws in the country will prevent me from leaving, as father and children are nationals (I am not).
I know my kids will be heartbroken if I don't go, my eldest has 'please don't make us live without our dad' so I feel compelled to go to prevent them hurting. My heart is not in it though, and life will be hard as a single parent here. He has made it clear that he will go without me and dcs if I decide not to go. I feel selfish for putting my adult feelings before my children's feelings and desire/need to live in a family unit.
DH says I will be responsible for breaking the family apart if I don't go.
I don't know what to do.
Battling between these extremes has me in tears on a regular basis.
I would really appreciate opinions please, thank you lovelies.

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 20/07/2019 22:31

Is there a chance that you’re willing to work at your marriage and to develop that bind and attraction with him again?
So the children are aware that you don’t want to go? How does your husband feel about the state of your marriage?
Maybe you need to communicate your worries and concerns to him?

Original poster
YellowSaffron · 20/07/2019 22:37

The children comment that we don't show affection to each other as much as we used to.
I have no motivation to work on the marriage - I feel like my feelings have died.
DH knows about this, and we have talked about it, he thinks a new start in a new place will help the marriage, and as life will be less stressful we will have more time for each other - I don't agree. We have easy babysitting here, but I never want to go out with him, I'd rather be out with family or friends, I don't like being alone with him, and find him rather boring.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 20/07/2019 22:41

I think it's very clear you don't want to go. I wouldn't go.

pog100 · 20/07/2019 22:43

How come you are responsible for breaking up the marriage when he is the one making the decision to relocate.
He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions about the family like that.
I think on two levels, the poor state of your relationship and the lack of opportunities for you if you relocate, coupled to the fact you will be trapped in the new country mean I wouldn't contemplate the move. People totally underestimate the trauma if moving countries and I say that as someone who successfully lived 10 years away from the UK

Bookaholic73 · 20/07/2019 22:45

Yeah I would not go if you don’t want to work in the marriage.
But I WOULD discuss the possibility of the 13 year old going with their Dad, as they seem to abhor the idea of not having him around.

ConfCall · 20/07/2019 22:46

I don’t think that you should relocate. You’ll be just as dissatisfied, but minus your career and social network.

Loopytiles · 20/07/2019 22:46

Not good that the DC are aware of the situation.

Going would be a v bad plan IMO.

Your eldest is coming up to GCSEs for a start.

In the event of divorce would you be legally able to return to your home country with the DC?

Your DH would be the one leaving you and the DC, and could still see the DC.

overnightangel · 20/07/2019 22:48

Sounds like you’re being blackmailed to me.
You say he’s a nice man, these aren’t the actions of a nice man, he’s being unbelievably selfish.
Not a chance in hell I’d be moving with him.

Original poster
YellowSaffron · 20/07/2019 22:58

@overnightangel
I have thought this too, but given him the benefit of the doubt.
But I think you are right, it is blackmail, and it is selfish of him to choose to go all because he wants to, but we don't. Dcs don't really want to leave their friends/schools. But he says he is the opposite of selfish and is only doing it all so we can all have a better life. Don't know what to believe.

The DC know because they have had to visit a few schools over there for tests and taster days, and they know that we may or may not go. They don't know about these issues. They think dad has to go because of his work, though my oldest has told him to get another job and stay here.

No, it would not be easy for me to leave with dcs.

If he goes alone he wants me to take them to see him fortnightly - but I think that amount of travel is unreasonable for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowSaffron · 20/07/2019 22:59

Shockingly - he has also suggested I could have another baby over there as the health care is very good, and I won't have much else to do!

OP posts:
tonglong · 20/07/2019 23:07

Don't go

MoodLighting · 20/07/2019 23:18

Life is about being reasonably true to yourself. You simply can't carry on with this marriage if your feelings are dead. It would be so much better for your kids to watch you both move on - going abroad on those terms is likely to lead to poisonous resentment at best. If you did split would you it be on a 50/50 basis? Your DC could still see a lot of their Dad (if he decides not to go). I'm usually the first person to recommend giving life abroad a whirl, as I have done, and enjoyed it. But under these circumstances? No way

Butterymuffin · 20/07/2019 23:20

You absolutely can't go. It's too risky if it doesn't work, and the chance of that is pretty high. Life may be hard as a single parent,,but you and your kids will have each other.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/07/2019 23:22

I have no motivation to work on the marriage - I feel like my feelings have died.

Then there's no decision here, really. You'd be moving abroad to split up, or staying here to split up.

Talk to him. Talk to the children. Are they old enough to choose whether to go with him or not? Do you think they'd want to?

timeforakinderworld · 20/07/2019 23:28

Please be careful. If it doesn't work out you might be stuck as you will be unable to take the children back if he contests it.

titchy · 20/07/2019 23:32

Dcs don't really want to leave their friends/schools.

Oh well that's easy then - don't go! I thought your kids really wanted to go. You don't, they don't. So stay. If your husband decides to go alone that's on him. His decision to leave his family.

PrincessMargaret · 20/07/2019 23:33

If you are not 100% behind this, don't go. No one ever mentions The Hague Convention on a Place in the Sun. I know a few people stuck in countries where they don't want to be because they cannot move their kids from their normal place of residence. It is serious shit. And applies in nice European countries also.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 20/07/2019 23:35

Do not, do not, do not, PLEASE do not relocate to a country where you cannot remove your children from. You will be absolutely trapped until your children are adults, and wholly dependent on someone you don't love.

He sounds unrealistic and on a completely different page to you. A move abroad is hugely stressful and 'lifestle' literally means nothing. You have said really clearly that lifestyle is not the issue for you at all and he is ploughing ahead and not listening to you. Stone dead relationship killer right there .

What a hard position to find yourself in. Xx

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 20/07/2019 23:37

A country you cannot remove your children from.... apologies for poor grammar. Tiny phone screen ....

overnightangel · 20/07/2019 23:41

“Shockingly - he has also suggested I could have another baby over there as the health care is very good, and I won't have much else to do!”

He sounds like a fucking sociopath 🤮

BlackBirdInMyGarden · 20/07/2019 23:43

So he has made out to your DC that he has to go via work, rather than he is choosing to? And he is saying he will go regardless of whether you and the children come - but blame you for it if you don't want to?

It doesn't sound like the children want to go anyway, and I think it's wrong that he seems to be trying to force the whole family to bend to his will.

It sounds like it would be hellish for you, you'd be 100% reliant on him and he'd have full control over you and your living situation as well as finances, etc. Given that your relationship has been in such a bad place and he is clearly not taking your feelings into account I think you'd be a fool to go.

Babdoc · 20/07/2019 23:44

OP, you are not the one potentially “breaking up the family” - it’s your DH who applied for the job abroad, knowing that neither you nor the DC wanted to go.
I’m concerned that your DH expects you to lose your career, friends and relatives to live abroad with him in a dead marriage. What is in this for you? I don’t see any upside to it.
Staying in this relationship is just dragging out the inevitable. If you really no longer love or want him, do the decent thing and split up.
His move abroad could be the catalyst for an amicable divorce. You stay in the UK and keep your career, the DC keep their schools and friends, and they can visit their father periodically abroad on holidays. Problem solved.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/07/2019 23:46

My first thoughts is he is manoeuvring you into a situation where you could end up losing your children.

I would think he has also been drip feeding your children in making this about you breaking the family up when he is the one leaving.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/07/2019 23:49

If you do get divorced I would not be allowing the children to go abroad to visit their dad.

Let him come here and don’t let him have access to their passports or any other documentation

No way would I be getting in any plane with this man.

He doesn’t sound that great

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/07/2019 23:55

Just read the thread

I would be sitting down with your children and spelling a few home truths out.

Your dh is going abroad because he chose to.

It is not you who is breaking up this family it is your dh.

You will all lose a huge amount if you went and if you did go you couldn’t come back.

Can i ask where about he is planning to go to.