HELP - facing a life changing decision...

[YellowSaffron]

I have been with DH for 14 years, we have 3 dcs, 13, 8, 5.
We have a nice life here, I have my family, friends, and a good career.
DH is introverted and hasn't made many friends here.
DH has dual european nationality, and wants to go and live in one of the countries he is a national of, though not his home country, and he has no family there. He wants to go for the lifestyle, better quality of life, opportunities for the whole family. For years he's asked his employer for a transfer and has finally been given a permanent one. He is obvs very pleased, we have found a good international school for the dcs, and a nice house.
He is a nice man, and a good dad, we have had our ups and downs too.
But, here comes the big but, for the last few years we have had no 'proper' relationship with each other, we get on well as friends and co-parents, he wants intimacy I don't, and though I love him, I am no longer attracted to him, though very occasionally might feel something for him. The dcs want us all to stay together as a family.
Given the relationship I think it would be utterly foolish to relocate, I'm worried I will hate it, I don't speak the language, have no friends, or work - but will have lots of leisure time. If I hate it I don't think it will be easy for me to leave with dcs, and I think the laws in the country will prevent me from leaving, as father and children are nationals (I am not).
I know my kids will be heartbroken if I don't go, my eldest has 'please don't make us live without our dad' so I feel compelled to go to prevent them hurting. My heart is not in it though, and life will be hard as a single parent here. He has made it clear that he will go without me and dcs if I decide not to go. I feel selfish for putting my adult feelings before my children's feelings and desire/need to live in a family unit.
DH says I will be responsible for breaking the family apart if I don't go.
I don't know what to do.
Battling between these extremes has me in tears on a regular basis.
I would really appreciate opinions please, thank you lovelies.

But this isn't really about your DH moving abroad is it?

Whether he stays or leave you want out of the marriage.

He said he would leave even if you and the DCs stay behind.

If he stays, the two of you would get a divorce anyway. So why should he stay?

He should go, the two of you shoukd divorce and come to a reasonable arrangement for the kids to continue seeing their father.

Moving will not bring you together and you will be trapped, you'd be mad to go.

Dont go. You’ll be bored and lonely with no income and your marriage will still be dead. The children will be unsettled.

Tell him to go and discuss divorce. Its the only sensible option. Your husband is being completely selfish.

Sorry but I also think you'd be mad to go.

I did something similar one year ago. Moved from London to Germany, with a bigger house and "quality of life". Marriage was not well, and I thought that having a more comfortable life would improve things. And the DC would go to a better, private international school (school in London was very bad abs DC1 was unhappy there).
Now I'm terribly bored, marriage didn't improve, I don't speak the language and can't work. School is in fact much better and dc are happy, but DH may have to change jobs soon, ans if he has a pay cut we won't be able to afford the school, which is the only thing that keeps me here.
SO... After one year I'm decided to divorce in the next few months, and move away to a city where I can work and have a social life again.
The good thing is that the move helped me see that there is no hope for the marriage, and made me gather the courage I didn't have.

Not a chance in hell would I go.

Let him go.
He can travel back to see the kids if he chooses too.

Or trial it for 3 months and see how it goes

Let him go. He is being utterly selfish. Have another baby there to give you something to do? So you're well and truly trapped there? Fuck that!

@boringornot
What made you decide to stay in Germany rather than come back?
Wondering if it is because you can’t leave, can dh stop you changing the dcs residence?
How’s your dh reacted to your situation?

Its simple
You dont love him. He knows this why the fuck stay together - you both deserve better

Divorce and he can go by himself.

A sticking plaster baby, god !

You need to tell him asap you're not going, tell your friends and family so peolle knkw and you won't change your mind

He's the one who will have to come back to see his kids, not you schlepping over every fortnight

Err, do not go of course!
Kids don't want to go.
You don't want to go.
You don't l9ve him or want to spend time with him.
If you go you'll be so miserable you'll end up coming home and then your kids will truly be stuck in the middle.
Surely there is no decision here, it's a no brainer.
If he wants to leave his family let him crack on.

How would you try for a baby anyway if you're not intimate

Or trial it for 3 months and see how it goes
Even a trial period can lead to you not being able to take them back if he contests it! Read this before you decide:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/16/the-mothers-fighting-to-get-their-children-back-home-again

Definitely do not go. It would be a huge mistake.

@yellowsaffron the situation is a bit more complex than that. Before we moved to Germany, I said I wanted to move to Lisbon (DH and I speak Portuguese as a native language, the DC speak the language as well). He didn't look for jobs there, instead found this (very well paid) job in Germany. (I don't have much of a say in this, because I don't work. (stupidly I stopped working after DC2 was born, for lots of reasons, the main one being that he drags his feet epically when it comes to share the housework, and I knew I would be the one working for 2 or 3 people in the house. I know, I should have divorced then, but I had no strength for that at the time).

I was convinced that life in Germany could be ok, and I really wanted the DC to go to a better school, so I agreed with the move, even though I knew from the beginning there wouldn't be much for me here.

My plan is to move to Lisbon next year, where I have quite a few friends and, I believe, better chances of getting a decent job.

When I mentioned divorce, DH went crazy, accused me of being a "quitter", said we "wouldn't allow it". So I decided not to mention it again until I have a real plan. I'm trying to convince him that moving to Lisbon is the best option for all of us (as we may not be able to pay the private school next year and I don`t want to move schools twice).

Best case scenario, we all move there and before the move I tell him we won't live together. It may seem like I'm being sneaky, but I have already mentioned divorce many times. I said I wanted to live separately many times. He had a job offer overseas and I told him to go. I made it very clear I don't want to be around him anymore. He refuses to take it seriously, but that's his problem, not mine.

I don't think he will prevent me from taking the DC to another country (specially because I want him to go as well). If he does, then I will think about it. There is no point worrying about this now, as I'm already very busy looking at schools in Lisbon and trying to make professional contacts, and work in small jobs so maybe I'll be able to save a bit of money.

If you move with your DH, you will probably be putting yourself in a very fragile situation, walking into a trap from where it will be harder to get out.

IMP You would be absolutely bonkers to Re-locate to a place where you would have to abandon your career (and pension) as well as friends and family.

As a non-speaker of the language you would be dependent on an ever changing cast of expat trailing wives like you, moving on all the time.

Your kids’ friendships the same. Perched in the edge of society in the country in which they live in an international school, not growing up in their own home country.

Let him go. He is blackmailing you. It is him who wants to uproot everyone and change everyone’s lives.

If it’s Europe he can get cheap flights back to visit the kids.

It sounds like your marriage is dead to be honest. The children will adjust. I think you do have to accept that your children will go there for holidays and there is a possibility they may settle there long term, but you have one life and you do deserve to be happy too

It sound s like your marriage is over, do you feel ready to take the last step? I think this is an issue in itself and you need to decide what you want to do.

Then you need to speak with your DH about arrangements for contact. Does he really mean it that he would leave his DC behind and move to another country? That is a catastrophic decision for his parenting bond. Married or divorced the sensible thing would be to decide to stay or move as a family.

@booboostwo
I am scared to take the last step, but yes you are all right the marriage is over and has been a while I think.
DH is adamant that he is leaving with or without us, he says he will leave the dcs, and thinks they will understand that he had to go for his job, I’ve told him they will not understand and will feel abandoned by him, he disagrees.

If the country is in Europe, you can't simply take the kids and return if you are not happy. Because of The Hague convention. You would be trapped there. They are really, really strict about this. (I would be VERY reluctant to even let them visit DH there unless strict custody orders were put in place before DH left, tbh..)
(I was living in Europe when I was looking at leaving my DH - even though none of us are European citizens, the laws treated the children accordingly and I would have been charged with kidnapping and prosecuted, so I chose to stay in that shit hole with my kids.)
Also, if you are already unhappy in your marriage, it's not going to get better in another culture. It will put even more pressure on the situation. I suggest you tell him to go ahead and see how he likes it and then let him know that you've changed your mind and want the kids to finish school where you are.

It sounds like your dh has already made the decision to go.

I would just make sure your children know their father has left because of the choice he has made not because you decided to split the family.

It depends on lot on circumstances, how bad things are, but is it possible for you to take the kids for 2-3 years (so through when your 13 year old sits GCSEs) with a written agreement from him that if at that point you are unhappy he will not prevent you and the children returning to the U.K. - rent out your existing home and put extra stuff into storage. Give the kids a new experience sort of thing.

But otherwise I think you know what needs to happen. Join us over at the divorce boards, it's not an easy decision to make only you know if you have crossed that point where you need to call it a day.

Yes, as above I am afraid. Your husband has made the decision to leave you and the DCs. Relationships sometime soon break down, it’s sad and scary but it happens and people eventually move on. Leaving your children is unforgivable and I doubt they would understand or forgive this. If he is serious about leaving the DC talk to a solicitor ASAP to ensure you can get maintenance for the Dc out of him even if he moves abroad (I am not sure that is possible, but get legal advice to be in the best position when he leaves).

I think op is unhappy now.

Giving up everything that does make her happy, risk losing her children and moving a couple of thousand miles away is going to make her more unhappy not less

Jeez that's a proper trap for you there! Don't walk into it. If you go and then the relationship breaks down (highly likely under the pressure of the move!) then you will be the one leaving your DH and the kids to go back home to the UK and you will have no real chance of seeing your kids ever again. Most likely though you will never courage up to it and will end up deeply unhappy for the rest of your life. Scary stuff and very scary that this is masqueraded as you not willing to make an effort. I wouldn't rule out that this is purposefully manipulative behaviour. Be careful.

I have moved countries multiple times and can see the value of doing so (including for the children's benefit) but moving with someone you are not already in a good relationship with, with no language and no job prospects, that's asking for trouble. There's no two ways about it. It's pretty black and white.

My response to your DH would be to work on the relationship and review this opportunity in a year if the relationship improves by then. Until that happens he is free to go by himself if that's his choice but he needs to accept that this move would naturally make his relationship with you as well as the children more difficult. You have to say explicitly that you feel that this will not be good for the family and not good for your (already strained) relationship.

If you can't bring yourself to offer to work on the relationship (no motivation etc) then I'm afraid you need to separate. However I personally wouldn't rush to facilitate this right now - it requires so much energy. Deal with DH's potential move first, then separate later if necessary. (It would be much easier emotionally if he's in a different country by the way).