HELP - facing a life changing decision...

[YellowSaffron]

I have been with DH for 14 years, we have 3 dcs, 13, 8, 5.
We have a nice life here, I have my family, friends, and a good career.
DH is introverted and hasn't made many friends here.
DH has dual european nationality, and wants to go and live in one of the countries he is a national of, though not his home country, and he has no family there. He wants to go for the lifestyle, better quality of life, opportunities for the whole family. For years he's asked his employer for a transfer and has finally been given a permanent one. He is obvs very pleased, we have found a good international school for the dcs, and a nice house.
He is a nice man, and a good dad, we have had our ups and downs too.
But, here comes the big but, for the last few years we have had no 'proper' relationship with each other, we get on well as friends and co-parents, he wants intimacy I don't, and though I love him, I am no longer attracted to him, though very occasionally might feel something for him. The dcs want us all to stay together as a family.
Given the relationship I think it would be utterly foolish to relocate, I'm worried I will hate it, I don't speak the language, have no friends, or work - but will have lots of leisure time. If I hate it I don't think it will be easy for me to leave with dcs, and I think the laws in the country will prevent me from leaving, as father and children are nationals (I am not).
I know my kids will be heartbroken if I don't go, my eldest has 'please don't make us live without our dad' so I feel compelled to go to prevent them hurting. My heart is not in it though, and life will be hard as a single parent here. He has made it clear that he will go without me and dcs if I decide not to go. I feel selfish for putting my adult feelings before my children's feelings and desire/need to live in a family unit.
DH says I will be responsible for breaking the family apart if I don't go.
I don't know what to do.
Battling between these extremes has me in tears on a regular basis.
I would really appreciate opinions please, thank you lovelies.

@IlluminatiConfirmed

Thank you so much for your helpful words.
I probably should naive, I have started to wonder if it is purposeful manipulative behaviour. I feel like it is, but then doubt myself for feeling that. We have two properties here both on the market he wants them sold before we ‘permanently’ leave. I’m going to have to put a stop to that.

My heart breaks for the dcs who will feel sorry rejected, my oldest has said to me that there’s no way his dad would leave him! But obviously dh would. I hope I can pick up all the pieces and help them.

Reading all the replies here has helped me see how much of a no brainer this decision is. I can’t believe I couldn’t have figured that out myself, I’m normally pretty good at this. Have felt so confused and self doubting.

Thank you everyone
My decision is made.

That’s good to hear.

What illuminati said ^ with knobs on

Well done for being decisive. It’s not going to be easy explaining everything to the DC, and you can be prepared for DH to blame you for being the bad guy.... the kids are old enough to get it, OP...

You clearly don’t want to go. Don’t do it and stick with your gut feeling

Yes, well done. It's doubly worrying he wants to sell properties before you 'permanently' leave - it feels as though he is very much gearing up to getting the kids abroad, money in the bank (though I assume you'd split assets 50/50 if you did divorce) - everything he needs to begin a new life with the kids. Whether you are there or not.

I also think it is a trap, there doesn't seem to be much in his plans that help mitigate any risk to you, and a lot that sures up his position nicely to go it alone with the kids in a new country.

“We have two properties here both on the market he wants them sold before we ‘permanently’ leave. I’m going to have to put a stop to that.”

OMG OP, he really has been trying to stitch you up and make sure all the assets come out of this country and go with you to his.

You really must look after yourself.

Glad you have decided not to go its not the right thing doesnt sound like your DCs want to go either - they would have to start again with new school and friends. If he wants to go and leave his family because work means more, then so be it, thats his decision! Its perfectly reasonable for you to say no. Both have to be happy about those decisions

Well done OP. Your DH is being selfish and manipulative, but when you've lived with someone like that for donkey's years sometimes you doubt your own interpretation of that behaviour and start to think that maybe it is, in fact, you that are the unreasonable one for refusing to jump through whatever ridiculous hoop you've been given.

Don't leave your home, your country, your language, your support network and your DC's schools and education unless you wholeheartedly believe in the move and in your relationship. Moving OS with someone you don't love and no longer have a physical relationship with would be utter madness.

And no, you would not be the one breaking up the relationship. He's leaving, come hell or high water by the sounds of it, so he's the one who is breaking up the family, not you.

Don’t agree to the properties being sold until you’ve had legal advice.

You really do need to LTB asap.

I told DH me and dcs are not going.
He seemed to accept it, and get on with his packing/orgaising.
But he then slowly started to get into a self-deprecating spiel, I think to make me feel sorry for him and apologising for any hurt he has caused. He was tearful, telling me how much he loves me and dcs, and can't live without us.
He has carried on like this and continued to convince me I should go, begging, pleading, puppy dog eyes, tears.
I don't trust this situation one single bit.
I'm sticking to my decision and hope I stay strong.

Don’t go!
I’m the same in my marriage so know what you are feeling

Your husband is abandoning his wife and children to move to another country? You are not the one breaking up your family x

Do not go, OP. Do not relent. Do not take any responsibility for "breaking up the family". That is on him.

I relocated pre-kids for my lovely DH. It was the single hardest thing I have ever done. We got the opportunity to move back home when my kids were around the age of yours - and I refused because I knew what a terrible effect it would have on my children (even though I wanted to go).

You will be screwed if you move. But more than that you will be dealing with very dislocated children. Just don't do it OP. Stay strong

The way he is playing this makes it sound that you are leaving him and not the other way round.
W

Stay strong! Moving abroad would be a trap for you. Let him cry his crocodile tears. He’s the one who has decided to go.

I was in a similar situation OP and didn't go (there is a thread about it somewhere). I am happy I didn't as H is working crazy hours and travelling a lot, it is a country I don't like and it is horribly hot there.

Life is hard being alone with the kids. I have a nice job though and a great group of friends. Weekends are hard.

All in all I am happier. We are not getting divorced (yet). I am not unhappy with my freedom and it makes my life easier at the moment to stay. Plus, I am taling the opportunity to get some great holidays.

If he doesn't come back in the next year or so, then I will leave.

H is also trying to pin it on me for not going with him but I am having none of it.

So stick to your guns and don't go.

Get legal advice NOW to protect yourself and the DC financially - it can be v difficult to secure child maintenance from fathers overseas.

Crocodile tears. He doesn’t need to leave. He is choosing to do so. Even if stays, though, you should end the relationship due to his behaviour.

Youwhatnow you should LTB too, at such time that suits you.

A man that behaves like that is not a good partner or father.

Stay strong OP. Get some legal advice.

Let him go. The longer he's gone, even whilst he 'settles in', the better!