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Original poster

Did I do anything wrong here?

66 replies

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 12:46

Sorry, I know this sounds a bit pathetic. I'm probably going to give unneeded detail too but I don't want to drip-feed anything.

I've known a man for a long time and we were close friends. About 5 or 6 years ago it became more and we started sleeping together. I always wanted it to be an exclusive relationship, but he didn't. Then just over two years ago I fell pregnant (by him). I had an abortion, which I regret, and during the whole experience and after it he was less than supportive. I was angry at him for a while, but I'm gradually feeling better about it all. We continued sleeping together, me still wanting to be exclusive, and him insisting he didn't want a partner.

Then last year he told me he was going on a date with another woman. I cut contact and didn't hear from him for months. I know he was within his rights to go out with someone else, but I couldn't cope with the idea.

A few weeks ago he messaged me. Apologised for hurting me, and said he wouldn't do so again. I met him for a drink, he wanted to come back to mine, and I said no, not without a relationship. He said he didn't want that, and then walked out of the bar when I was at the toilet. The next day, of course, I get the apology texts asking for another chance. I've seen him a couple of times since and I've slept with him.

He came over to mine yesterday, and I fully intended to sleep with him again, and he knew that. He started kissing me after a few hours of chatting, and for some reason I just didn't want to sleep with him. I honestly don't know why. I told him I didn't want to, and he said 'should I go then?' and I was surprised and said okay. He started to leave and I said not to be silly, stay and have another drink, but he insisted on leaving. I text him saying I thought it was ridiculous he had left just because I had said I hadn't want to have sex with him right that minute, but he said I had made things really awkward suddenly stopping.

He hasn't been in touch today and I have no intention of getting in touch with him, but I've been going over it in my head and don't know if I done anything wrong or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 12:47

Bloody hell, I didn't realise that was so long! Reading the last two paragraphs is enough.

OP posts:
ContactLight · 20/07/2019 12:49

The only thing he wanted from you was sex. When that wasn't forthcoming he walked out. That should tell you everything you need to know about this person.

This is not a relationship you want to be in.

And of course you didn't do anything wrong, he's a git.

Mabelface · 20/07/2019 12:51

Simple. You're his booty call.

Blankspace4 · 20/07/2019 12:51

You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s selfish and pathetic and you deserve better!

Nautiloid · 20/07/2019 12:52

No, you did nothing wrong. It would be far healthier for you to cut contact with this man, but it's clear you know that already. Flowers

Sparky888 · 20/07/2019 12:53

:( he only ever wants you for sex. You know that. You tested it and he was still clear about it. You either choose just sex, or better (delete him). You can do better he is awful xx

pictish · 20/07/2019 12:56

He’s stringing you along, keeping you on standby to be brought out when he hasn’t got anything(one) else on offer.
This is not a reflection of you but o him and how manipulative and selfish he is. You’re acting on good faith and you haven’t done anything wrong.
Stop sleeping with him though. If he wanted you as his girlfriend he’s had plenty of opportunity to do so. Don’t be his safe bet.

Introvertedbuthappy · 20/07/2019 12:57

Oh lovely, please try and build up your self esteem. You are worth so much more than that. Delete and block his number and put this behind you.

Birdie6 · 20/07/2019 12:57

I always wanted it to be an exclusive relationship, but he didn't

This is your story in a nutshell, OP. You and he are not on the same page, and you never have been. Don't waste any more of your life on him . Move on and find someone who deserves you.

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 12:58

Thanks everyone. I know I need to cut contact completely. I don't know why he bothered getting back in touch with me again after those months of not speaking if he was just going to do this again. He was such a good friend and everyone who meets him loves him. It's hard to reconcile the person I thought I knew with him being a person just using me for sex.

OP posts:
Yellowweatherwarning · 20/07/2019 13:01

Unfortunately you were just an ego boost.
He was a twat, def not a friend either op.

Shakennotshook · 20/07/2019 13:02

It sounds like what you did was what is exactly right for you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/07/2019 13:03

You: I don't want sex right now
Him: Hmmm, it's only 9.30 (or whatever) do I hang on on the off chance she'll change her mind, or do I make a break for it now and call one of the other women on my phone who'll probably put out right away without any of this emotional angst. Fucksakes, it's not as if I haven't told @Tuhelime that I only want sex with her, does she really think I want to sit here chatting? Nah fuck it, it's 9.35 I'll still have time to go somewhere else and have my dick wet by 10.30...

Gets coat.

I'm sorry OP. You're a booty call and while he may be a 'nice' person, he's not your friend and he's definitely not your boyfriend.

Delete his number.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 13:06

He thought you were really into him and would give him sex when he wanted it.....now he knows different!

He wasn't a 'good friend' through your abortion was he?

Also he did make it clear from the start he didn't want a partner.

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 13:09

Him: Hmmm, it's only 9.30 (or whatever) do I hang on on the off chance she'll change her mind, or do I make a break for it now and call one of the other women on my phone who'll probably put out right away without any of this emotional angst. Fucksakes, it's not as if I haven't told @Tuhelime that I only want sex with her, does she really think I want to sit here chatting? Nah fuck it, it's 9.35 I'll still have time to go somewhere else and have my dick wet by 10.30...

Nah it was after 1am, and I'm not sure any other woman would have him. We do talk by text all day, every day.

He wasn't a 'good friend' through your abortion was he?

No, he definitely wasn't.

OP posts:
RavenLG · 20/07/2019 13:11

God, i could have wrote this exact post about 10 years ago, abortion and all. Here's how it went for me.

Met online, dated casually. I wanted more, he didn't but kept sleeping together. Always unavailable / with other women, kept being off again / on again. Pregnant, guilt trip into abortion with a lead on of 'maybe we can work towards a relationship' after (I wasn't really in a position to continue with the pregnancy either financially etc.) Bollocks. Ghosted me.
I met someone else (casually, but I was hurting so fine, it was more a deep friendship with occasional sex). He got back in touch 'I can't live without you, can't sleep, can't eat..' Stupid me got back together with him (and I've NEVER forgiven myself for going back, as I really hurt my friend / fwb and lost him from my life as a friend). While we we're technically in a relationship a few months in I found out he'd been 'just friends' with another woman, i.e. sleeping at her house when telling me he was at home etc. 6 months this went on from him coming crawling back, to the end. It RUINED me. Absolutely destroyed my sanity, my friendships, my life. I was still so fucked up by his dishonesty, gaslighting etc.

Please, leave him. This is not worth your sanity or time. You won't get what you want and this selfish arsehole only wants to validate his own ego and his own sex drive.
YOU. DESERVE. BETTER!

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/07/2019 13:15

You've done nothing wrong to him. But you've done a lot wrong to yourself. You've wanted more for six years. He was honest and said he didn't. You were wrong to keep lying to yourself and keep hoping, but not in your actions. He's a shit to keep coming back for sex, but you keep allowing it knowing he was only interested in sex because you thought he'd eventually see how right you were for him. He was honest he didn't want a relationship of any kind. You refused to hear it. He bother to come back after months of nc because he wanted a shag and knew you would oblige.

He's not your friend and never has been. He acted like a friend to get sex. You acted like a friend because you hoped it would lead to a relationship. That is not friendship.

You put your life on hold for a man who wanted only sex. That was not kind to yourself. Please be kind to yourself. Block him. Work out why you accepted crumbs for so long.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 13:16

OP with kindness, texting all day every day with him isn't going to allow you to move on. Cut him loose, and leave space in your life for someone else to come along.

CaptainJaneway62 · 20/07/2019 13:19

He's been straight with you from the beginning about not wanting a relationship.
There is now way he is ever going to commit to a relationship with you.
He sees it as a FWB situation.
Please stop contact with him and work on your own self worth and put some serious boundaries in place.
If you don't he will just keep messing with you head.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 20/07/2019 13:19

He doesn’t want to continue to stay when he knows sex isn’t available. And he doesn’t seem able to spare your feelings either.

Continuing to see him is like slapping yourself around the face continually. Painful and unnecessary. Time to rip the band aid off and say goodbye for good.

You are worth better.

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2019 13:20

Why do women always assume it is them that has done something wrong? It makes me so cross.
He is using you for sex, made you pregnant and then been flippant about the abortion and walks off in a huff when he doesn't get what he wants.
He isn't going to commit - dump him.

Hidingwhoiam · 20/07/2019 13:21

You didnt do anything wrong by not wanting to have sex with him

But he has been cekat, he just wants sex from you. So he wasnt wring to leave. He was there for sex.

You are wrong for keeping pursing this and sleeping with him, expecting more.

And if no one else would have him, if he is that bad, why do you want him?

You are kidding yourself if you think he hasnt or isnt sleeping with other women.

WhatsInAName19 · 20/07/2019 13:26

I don't know why he bothered getting back in touch with me again after those months of not speaking if he was just going to do this again.

Because he has, over the years, laid down the groundwork to now be safe in the knowledge that he can come to you at anytime for no strings sex. Sorry to be blunt, but it's a numbers game to him. He could go to a bar, find someone to talk to, spend all night trying to impress them and it might end in sex. Then he'd have to do it all over again the next time he's horny. Or he can just call you and have guaranteed sex in an instant. It's convenience. He is charming and responds to your texts because that is the "legwork" that he needs to put in to allow this booty call situation to continue. And he has calculated that a few texts and a bit of banter is easier than picking up new women.

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 13:29

Thanks for all the replies. I'm not going to get in touch with him again, I was just utterly baffled as to what happened last night and his reaction.

He's not your friend and never has been. He acted like a friend to get sex. You acted like a friend because you hoped it would lead to a relationship. That is not friendship. We we're good friends for years before we did anything more.

And if no one else would have him, if he is that bad, why do you want him?

You are kidding yourself if you think he hasnt or isnt sleeping with other women.

I was joking about no one else having him. I know he's slept with other women. He's told me/tells me.

Flowers Raven.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 13:30

Because he has, over the years, laid down the groundwork to now be safe in the knowledge that he can come to you at anytime for no strings sex. Sorry to be blunt, but it's a numbers game to him. He could go to a bar, find someone to talk to, spend all night trying to impress them and it might end in sex. Then he'd have to do it all over again the next time he's horny. Or he can just call you and have guaranteed sex in an instant. It's convenience. He is charming and responds to your texts because that is the "legwork" that he needs to put in to allow this booty call situation to continue. And he has calculated that a few texts and a bit of banter is easier than picking up new women.

Depressing as it is, this makes so much sense.

OP posts:
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