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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I do anything wrong here?

66 replies

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 12:46

Sorry, I know this sounds a bit pathetic. I'm probably going to give unneeded detail too but I don't want to drip-feed anything.

I've known a man for a long time and we were close friends. About 5 or 6 years ago it became more and we started sleeping together. I always wanted it to be an exclusive relationship, but he didn't. Then just over two years ago I fell pregnant (by him). I had an abortion, which I regret, and during the whole experience and after it he was less than supportive. I was angry at him for a while, but I'm gradually feeling better about it all. We continued sleeping together, me still wanting to be exclusive, and him insisting he didn't want a partner.

Then last year he told me he was going on a date with another woman. I cut contact and didn't hear from him for months. I know he was within his rights to go out with someone else, but I couldn't cope with the idea.

A few weeks ago he messaged me. Apologised for hurting me, and said he wouldn't do so again. I met him for a drink, he wanted to come back to mine, and I said no, not without a relationship. He said he didn't want that, and then walked out of the bar when I was at the toilet. The next day, of course, I get the apology texts asking for another chance. I've seen him a couple of times since and I've slept with him.

He came over to mine yesterday, and I fully intended to sleep with him again, and he knew that. He started kissing me after a few hours of chatting, and for some reason I just didn't want to sleep with him. I honestly don't know why. I told him I didn't want to, and he said 'should I go then?' and I was surprised and said okay. He started to leave and I said not to be silly, stay and have another drink, but he insisted on leaving. I text him saying I thought it was ridiculous he had left just because I had said I hadn't want to have sex with him right that minute, but he said I had made things really awkward suddenly stopping.

He hasn't been in touch today and I have no intention of getting in touch with him, but I've been going over it in my head and don't know if I done anything wrong or not.

OP posts:

user1471504234 · 20/07/2019 15:30

He knows he has an emotional hold over you which is why he called your bluff by asking if he should leave last night. Even though you said at first that you wanted him to leave, you then showed that you didn’t really mean it.
You have my sympathies as I can see how easily situations like this develop. I know it is hard but it is true that if he wanted anything more he has had plenty of opportunity to make the relationship official, yet he hasn’t done that. Be strong and realise that it’s not doing you any good, you can move on and will do in time.

Raffles1981 · 20/07/2019 15:33

He keeps coming back asking for another chance. At what?? He just wants sex. He doesn't want you. He is using you. He sounds like a right piece of shit. You deserve better than that.

LemonTT · 20/07/2019 15:35

The answer to your question is that it is not wrong to decide not to have sex before or during the act.

But you are asking the wrong question and the advice you are getting is based around the questions you should be asking.

He is not interested in a relationship with you. He is capable and willing to offer this to the right person because he has done that with his girlfriend. But he absolutely doesn’t want that with you.

He is ok to have sex with you when he is at a loose end. He is ok to hang out as mates with you just like all his other mates. I expect you fall into the loose end priority in this as well.

Find new non mutual friends and places to go out. He will eventually find another girlfriend and then one day wife. You will be the awkward woman from his past who always fancied him and chased after him.

Sorry for sounding harsh but moving away and on will be up to you.

Original poster

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 15:40

I did say in the OP that I've got no intention of contacting him, and in the thread that he's blocked on every platform. I've only 'took him back' once. I am absolutely done with him, and was the minute he left last night.

It was more that he acted annoyed and like I had done something wrong. It was bizarre.

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 20/07/2019 15:42

You're just a booty call - not even a friends with benefits who he likes hanging out with.

Be kind to yourself and block him. He has been clear on not wanting a relationship with you. You aren't unreasonable to want a relationship with him and he's not unreasonable not to want one with you.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 15:46

He was annoyed purely because he came round expecting sex, and it wasn't going to happen.

Original poster

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 15:49

You're just a booty call - not even a friends with benefits who he likes hanging out with.

Be kind to yourself and block him. He has been clear on not wanting a relationship with you. You aren't unreasonable to want a relationship with him and he's not unreasonable not to want one with you.

We did hang out. Went to the theatre, for dinner etc and sometimes didn't have sex afterwards.

I have blocked him. I never thought he was unreasonable to say he didn't want a relationship. I thought it was out of character to walk out last night, and wondered if I had done something wrong. He has stayed over before when we haven't had sex.

OP posts:

BigRedLondonBus · 20/07/2019 16:14

I’ve read your op again and it was very clear he only wanted sex. I’m not sure what part you’re confused abou.

Original poster

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 16:23

I’ve read your op again and it was very clear he only wanted sex. I’m not sure what part you’re confused abou

I'm not sure where in the OP I say I'm confused.

OP posts:

shivermetimbers77 · 20/07/2019 16:28

It was not wrong of you to say no to sex OP. The reason he left is because he was horny, you said no, and he basically had a tantrum and stormed out because you didnt give him what he thought he was entitled to. He sounds like an overgrown toddler.

Musti · 20/07/2019 16:29

What a vile bastard. To have fwb situation is fine but to do that to someone who you consider a friend who you know wants more is unforgivable. Block him and move on. He is no friend of yours.

Original poster

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 16:38

This is exactly what it felt like, a tantrum. It was so strange. We were having a great night then suddenly it all went wrong. At least it's put the final nail in the coffin.

OP posts:

Jojowash · 20/07/2019 16:39

He's no good. Move on. He's an arse

Original poster

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 17:49

He is that.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/07/2019 23:51

You've done nothing wrong to him. But you've done a lot wrong to yourself

This with bells on.

Sounds like death by 1000 paper cuts to me, is this really all you want for yourself?

ContactLight · 21/07/2019 00:16

It was more that he acted annoyed and like I had done something wrong You did nothing wrong at all. You said no, and you are absolutely entitled to say no.

In his eyes, he was annoyed that he wasn't going to get his end away, that's all. He thought he was onto a sure thing and you turned him down.

Annoyed = dented ego and sexual frustration. As far as he was concerned, what you did wrong was refuse to let him shag you.

So he walked out. What a charmer. Not.

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