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Original poster

Did I do anything wrong here?

66 replies

Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 12:46

Sorry, I know this sounds a bit pathetic. I'm probably going to give unneeded detail too but I don't want to drip-feed anything.

I've known a man for a long time and we were close friends. About 5 or 6 years ago it became more and we started sleeping together. I always wanted it to be an exclusive relationship, but he didn't. Then just over two years ago I fell pregnant (by him). I had an abortion, which I regret, and during the whole experience and after it he was less than supportive. I was angry at him for a while, but I'm gradually feeling better about it all. We continued sleeping together, me still wanting to be exclusive, and him insisting he didn't want a partner.

Then last year he told me he was going on a date with another woman. I cut contact and didn't hear from him for months. I know he was within his rights to go out with someone else, but I couldn't cope with the idea.

A few weeks ago he messaged me. Apologised for hurting me, and said he wouldn't do so again. I met him for a drink, he wanted to come back to mine, and I said no, not without a relationship. He said he didn't want that, and then walked out of the bar when I was at the toilet. The next day, of course, I get the apology texts asking for another chance. I've seen him a couple of times since and I've slept with him.

He came over to mine yesterday, and I fully intended to sleep with him again, and he knew that. He started kissing me after a few hours of chatting, and for some reason I just didn't want to sleep with him. I honestly don't know why. I told him I didn't want to, and he said 'should I go then?' and I was surprised and said okay. He started to leave and I said not to be silly, stay and have another drink, but he insisted on leaving. I text him saying I thought it was ridiculous he had left just because I had said I hadn't want to have sex with him right that minute, but he said I had made things really awkward suddenly stopping.

He hasn't been in touch today and I have no intention of getting in touch with him, but I've been going over it in my head and don't know if I done anything wrong or not.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 13:37

So many men reel off daily texts to women to make the woman feel they are really connected, when it's just a lazy way for men to keep the door open for sex.

MamImHere · 20/07/2019 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamImHere · 20/07/2019 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dottiedodah · 20/07/2019 13:45

He seems to want it all his way really doesnt he?.You sound like a nice lady who deserves better treatment!.Do you have other friends to see? .Be unavailable if he calls/texts in future .Sound like he just sees you as a conveience TBH!

Hidingwhoiam · 20/07/2019 14:07

I was just utterly baffled as to what happened last night and his reaction

You might want to unpick why you are surprised he has been telling you, for years, it's just sex. When you first met up with him again, you said no sex without a relationship. He said no. But you slept with himself anyway.

He was there to have sex, you didmt feel like it which is perfectly fine and acceptable. But he was there for sex, it wasnt going to happen so he left. It's not that baffling.

We we're good friends for years before we did anything more.
There was a thread recently where the bop had, had a friendship with a man for over 10 years before she became single and she started having sex with him.

He was well known in her field of work (I think it was work). Her friends were concerned for her. She posted here and then googled him. It turned out he had a history of sleeping with much younger women (like the OP) who were fans of his work (like the Op) and had a girlfriend. She believed he wasnt taking advantage as they had been friends for so long.

Some people will cultivate friendships with the opposite sex for years, do it with lots of people on the chance that at some point, they will have a selection of people to have sex with

He uses your ling standing friendship as leverage. You dont want to lose him so accept what he is offering.

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 14:19

He seems to want it all his way really doesnt he?.You sound like a nice lady who deserves better treatment!.Do you have other friends to see? .Be unavailable if he calls/texts in future .Sound like he just sees you as a conveience TBH!

Ah thank you! Yes, I've got lots of friends. I go out socialising most nights and have a great job, so I'm very lucky in everything else. It's my birthday tomorrow so I'm having a big dressy night out tonight which is good timing.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 20/07/2019 14:20

It's just sex to him and by going along with that you're consenting to this. I'd have dumped him over the pregnancy. He has not and will not change

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 14:26

It's just sex to him and by going along with that you're consenting to this. I'd have dumped him over the pregnancy. He has not and will not change

I know. I've known for ages, and I did cut him out of my life, and I was fine, and then he came crawling back and I stupidly thought he might have changed. I've thought about that quote 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time' several times today.

Maybe this time he'll make it easier and stay away.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 14:36

Maybe this time he'll make it easier and stay away

Why leave it up to him? You're way too passive - which is why you've let this situation continue. Take the lead here and cut him out of your life.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 14:37

For good!

BigRedLondonBus · 20/07/2019 14:41

I think you did do something wrong actually. You knew from the get go he just wanted sex, he has never denied it. It’s your own fault for thinking you could turn it into a relationship if you continued to sleep with him. You have to take some responsibility he was honest he didn’t trick you into anything

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 14:42

Why leave it up to him? You're way too passive - which is why you've let this situation continue. Take the lead here and cut him out of your life.

I have, I've blocked him on everything. I did last time too except for Twitter which I rarely/never use and didn't think about, which is what he messaged through a few weeks ago. We have mutual friends, live on the same street and drink in the same bars so it isn't easy to avoid him entirely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 14:43

You knew from the get go he just wanted sex, he has never denied it

He has never said he just wanted sex.

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 20/07/2019 14:45

So what did he want?

Cause it wasnt a relationship

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 14:47

He wanted the girlfriend experience - company, chat, sex, without the commitment.

category12 · 20/07/2019 14:51

He has never said he just wanted sex.

Not in so many words, perhaps, but he's always said he didn't want a partner/you as a partner, tho. And when you wanted a relationship said no, so not sure why you haven't listened.

You need to shore up your defences so you don't go back again. Have you dated anyone else in the meantime?

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 14:52

Fucked if I know. It probably was the sex, but he was never stupid enough to say 'I'll give you a ring when I fancy getting my leg over, Tuhelime'.

He texted me every day, he socialised with my friends and family, we went out drinking or to the theatre or whatever, and sometimes we didn't have sex afterwards either. I thought, or maybe just hoped, that it was unspoken that we wouldn't get together with anyone else, and in all honesty probably didn't really care if he had one night stands or whatever, I just didn't want to know about them. Then he announced he was going on a date with another woman and I stopped contact immediately, didn't even reply to the text. Then months later when he contacted me again saying he was sorry he'd hurt me and wouldn't want to again I thought he might have changed. Clearly not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 14:54

Sorry, that response was in reply to Hiding, but this sums it up absolutely - He wanted the girlfriend experience - company, chat, sex, without the commitment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 14:56

Have you dated anyone else in the meantime?

No, but not through lack of trying, and definitely not because of him. Shagged plenty though.

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 20/07/2019 14:57

It probably was the sex, but he was never stupid enough to say 'I'll give you a ring when I fancy getting my leg over,

Well, no. But he told you he wanted to have sex with you just not a relationship.

So it was sex. I used to have FWB. We texted loads in between, because we were friends who occassionally had sex. But both knew in a relationship we would be awful.

When I met someone else, he was fine with it and he has gone back to being a friend, though more distant because he has now moved.

Both knew exactly what the situation was. Neither was hurt.

You knew the situation. Friends with benefits. You conned yourself into thinking it would work out how you wanted, eventually.

He left you on your own in the pub when you told him, no sex without a relationship. What does that tell you?

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 15:09

But he told you he wanted to have sex with you just not a relationship. No, he didn't.

When I met someone else, he was fine with it and he has gone back to being a friend, though more distant because he has now moved.

Both knew exactly what the situation was. Neither was hurt.

You knew the situation. Friends with benefits. You conned yourself into thinking it would work out how you wanted, eventually.

Good for you. We never agreed that we were friends with benefits, so your experience isn't really relevant. I think it would be difficult for anyone to go through a pregnancy and abortion with someone and it stay light and emotion free.

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 20/07/2019 15:11

I think you did do something wrong actually. You knew from the get go he just wanted sex, he has never denied it. It’s your own fault for thinking you could turn it into a relationship if you continued to sleep with him. You have to take some responsibility he was honest he didn’t trick you into anything
Sorry but this. It's no good people saying it's all him and you're blameless. He made it clear he didn't want and wasn't going to give you exclusivity. You carried on sleeping with him regardless. You should have walked at that point. As far as he's concerned he gets all the good side (the contact when he wants it, the social life, the sex) and none of the 'harder' stuff (commitment, making the effort, being a decent human being). He sounds like a shit but you knew that and still slept with him repeatedly. You need to go cold turkey otherwise you'll just keep going in the hope of him suddenly being a lovely bloke who wants to marry you.

Original poster
Tuhelime · 20/07/2019 15:15

I was asking if I'd done anything wrong last night in deciding I didn't want to have sex.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/07/2019 15:17

Of course not. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it - you're not obliged to have sex because you met up.

It's good actually, probably means the hold he has over you is weakening.

Hidingwhoiam · 20/07/2019 15:21

Good for you. We never agreed that we were friends with benefits, so your experience isn't really relevant. I think it would be difficult for anyone to go through a pregnancy and abortion with someone and it stay light and emotion free.

But you did. You were friends who had sex with no commitment. Of course the abortion complicates its and it's awful what you have been through.

But you continued having sex with him, knowing there was no relationship. He did want sex with no relationship.

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