Does this guy seem very clingy or just attentive?? Red flag?

[LilMissRe]

Hi! Hoping for some insight into a recent dating experience I had. I matched with a guy online a few weeks ago and sent a couple messages back and forth and spoke once on the phone. We arranged to meet up and he so kindly planned and organised the date for us ( he came to visit me- an hour away from his city-which meant a lot to me) The date was last night.

I should say that he's recently been out of a 20 year relationship and that I am his third date. Not sure if this is relevant but he still wears the ring his partner gave him when they first got together, albeit on the other hand, as he says it was a large part of his life.

He was very chatty throughout but his conversations were mostly about him, his ex, his previous dates and what these women had talked about, his accomplishments, his journey to finding himself after his relationship breakdown and so on. He asked a few questions to find out more about me, but they were few.

He then told me that he showed my profile to all his family and they approve. A few other things popped up during his monologue that I hope I'm overthinking but want to check with you

-He would love to take me on holiday
-He'd be happy if I wanted more kids or not
-He's happy to stop seeing other people
-He said he keeps checking out my bum when I walk ahead of him
-He kept asking to hold my hands/touch/kiss
-He said he'd hope for me to introduce him to my son
-He kept saying how much he liked me
-He was so happy we have so much in common
-He said he couldn't believe his luck

I came home to 13 messages, from him on WhatsApp- repeating the same compliments and saying how he was the happiest he felt in a long time, he was proud to be seen out with me, he'd love to see me again, he doesn't want to lose the chance of seeing me again and that if I had any concerns about seeing him or dating him, to promise to let him know.

I've been on quite a few dates, none of which were planned and organised like this- they're usually a quick coffee and rejection/ghosting from the guy ha ha ha!

I never had this kind of attention from anyone I dated before and obviously its lovely to hear someone thinks you're nice but I'm a little concerned that he's coming on too strong and that this may be a red flag?

Is he clingy, insecure, attentive or just new to dating??

Am I overthinking and analysing this?

OP that's great that you are reinvesting back into yourself and focussing on your education.

I really dont have any strategies as such and I'm very much at the start of my recovery process but just recognising I was a codependent and learning why was a huge leap for me. A big part of being codependent is often feeling lonely so we seek out male relationships to fill that void and gain validation when really we should be focussing on other relationships that lift us up (friends, family, coworkers etc.) and learn how to validate yourself.

It's not easy, there are times I feel lonely and think about dating again but I know I'm really not there yet in terms of rebuilding my self esteem and I never want to be in another abusive relationship so I would rather stay single. You really have to have a zero bullshit policy if you are to survive dating as these guys are so manipulative, you could be months in before you realise.

Essentially, if you have been abused for many years you have to learn how to heal from that as you have likely been made to feel like everything was your fault, you were not good enough and there is something wrong with you. As soon as you realise that none of this is true and you have essentially been trained to believe these things, you can start to undo them and challenge negative thoughts about yourself. I've found YouTube videos really helpful and also the freedom programme and reading as much as I can about abuse.

I used to care so much whether I was good enough for someone that I paid little attention to whether they were good enough for me. You really have to learn how to trust your instincts, especially after abuse because gaslighting in abusive relationships stops you from trusting your own reality.

Most universities offer free counselling services although in my experience not all of them are equipped to deal with abuse victims and so you might want to look into specialist trauma counselling (although it can be expensive which is why I haven't tried it yet).

I'm focussing on my self care (eating healthy, going to the gym, making time for friends) and also focussing on my career and future. I'm trying to establish some hobbies too although it's hard when you're a working LP.

Have you decided to end it with this guy? I would really suggest not doing it in person (you've had one date and dont 'owe' him anything) and then block him. My ex who used to send me lots of messages right from the start was very very controlling and stalked me for months after ending things so please be careful. He will likely want to see you in person 'one last time' which in his mind is an opportunity to feel you back in. Dont give him the oppertunity

Another useful one for future use -

a good one on breaking the cycle of codependency and abuse. This woman has other really good videos

Too much!!

Both of these books are useful. You can download them or read them online;
Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

I’m not even going to read what other people suggested.
He is too full on, suffocating, self centred, you are another tick on his to do list, he will control you without you even realising, run as fast as you NOW.

As you ‘can’, sorry typed too-fast ...

He sounds horny and desperate for a woman

I would definitely run a mile. It makes me angry when people we meet assume that we want the same thing they do.
Even assuming for a moment that he is normal and not weird and just very keen, it is a red flag that he can’t recognise his behaviour and tone it down a bit. I’m sure we have all met people we are very keen on but would know never to send 13 messages in a row!!