Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this guy seem very clingy or just attentive?? Red flag?

84 replies

LilMissRe · 20/07/2019 12:03

Hi! Hoping for some insight into a recent dating experience I had. I matched with a guy online a few weeks ago and sent a couple messages back and forth and spoke once on the phone. We arranged to meet up and he so kindly planned and organised the date for us ( he came to visit me- an hour away from his city-which meant a lot to me) The date was last night.

I should say that he's recently been out of a 20 year relationship and that I am his third date. Not sure if this is relevant but he still wears the ring his partner gave him when they first got together, albeit on the other hand, as he says it was a large part of his life.

He was very chatty throughout but his conversations were mostly about him, his ex, his previous dates and what these women had talked about, his accomplishments, his journey to finding himself after his relationship breakdown and so on. He asked a few questions to find out more about me, but they were few.

He then told me that he showed my profile to all his family and they approve. A few other things popped up during his monologue that I hope I'm overthinking but want to check with you

-He would love to take me on holiday
-He'd be happy if I wanted more kids or not
-He's happy to stop seeing other people
-He said he keeps checking out my bum when I walk ahead of him
-He kept asking to hold my hands/touch/kiss
-He said he'd hope for me to introduce him to my son
-He kept saying how much he liked me
-He was so happy we have so much in common
-He said he couldn't believe his luck

I came home to 13 messages, from him on WhatsApp- repeating the same compliments and saying how he was the happiest he felt in a long time, he was proud to be seen out with me, he'd love to see me again, he doesn't want to lose the chance of seeing me again and that if I had any concerns about seeing him or dating him, to promise to let him know.

I've been on quite a few dates, none of which were planned and organised like this- they're usually a quick coffee and rejection/ghosting from the guy ha ha ha!

I never had this kind of attention from anyone I dated before and obviously its lovely to hear someone thinks you're nice but I'm a little concerned that he's coming on too strong and that this may be a red flag?

Is he clingy, insecure, attentive or just new to dating??

Am I overthinking and analysing this?

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 20/07/2019 14:54

-He said he'd hope for me to introduce him to my son

Potential paeodophile

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 20/07/2019 14:56

thoughtfox Hmm really?!

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2019 14:57

That's all too much, I'd end that immediately. Make myself unavailable. Something is clearly not right there.

thethoughtfox · 20/07/2019 14:57

Sorry to be 'that poster' but single parents can be targeted and everything you have said could be classic lovebombing behaviour. The focus on the ex-partner could be to prove to you he is a 'normal' hetrosexual guy with previous relationships with adult women.

TeaForTheWin · 20/07/2019 14:59

Holy hell, run like the wind.

Talking about kids and meeting your kid on a first date!? Wanting to go on holiday with you, talking about how 'similar' you are when he barely even knows you, monologing about himself, bombarding you with affection and texts, not respecting appropriate boundaries with touching ect… I mean if those aren't red flags on a date I don't know what else would be.

Totally a lovebombing narcissist. Delete and block and I hope to goodness he doesn't know where you live!

OldWomanSaysThis · 20/07/2019 15:04

Generic Girlfriend thing - he doesn't care who you are as long as you fill that role for him.

CatInADoghouse · 20/07/2019 15:04

OMFG! No! Just no! Run!
Delete and block his number!

31RueCambon · 20/07/2019 15:05

all talk.

At this point all you really want is that he'll ring when he says he'll ring and treats you with respect on the dates you have been on.

FriarTuck · 20/07/2019 15:06

Its rude to bang on about yourself and not ask the other person about themselves
But maybe every time he asked OP something about herself he got a very short answer that didn't lead anywhere, or maybe it went something like:
Him: So do you travel much?
OP: Not really.
Awkward silence
Him: Well I went to such and such......
Minimal input from OP
Him: So what do you like to do in your spare time?
OP: I don't have much spare time. How about you?
Him: long list of interests.....
Personally I think he sounds like someone who's just come out of a 20 year relationship, hasn't quite got the hang of dating again yet, enjoyed his time with OP (despite her being a terrible conversationalist!) and expressed that in a rather OTT way. But then I've never felt the need to wave red flags around at the drop of a hat. There's a lot to be said for taking people at face value, putting the brakes on a bit when necessary and getting to know people without jumping to massive Mumsnet-induced conclusions (while obviously being appropriately careful)

HelgaGPataki · 20/07/2019 15:23

Or maybe he's one of those people that asks a question purely because he has plenty to say about the subject and can switch the conversation back to him...
Either way, conversation aside, he sounds creepy.
You've not said how you felt about him on the date OP? Was there a connection, like he seems to think? If no on your side then that to me, is even weirder.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 20/07/2019 15:30

If he's just out of a 20 year relationship it's possible he's just totally not au fait with how dates really go these days. A lot of what he's said is quite red flaggy though, and the 13 messages is overkill at any stage.

I'd probably give a wide berth but be mindful and kind in letting him down?

twattymctwatterson · 20/07/2019 17:08

Run

crappyday2018 · 20/07/2019 17:24

Its all very OTT and I would definitely be concerned. The only thing I will add is that the guy I'm currently dating didn't ask me very much about myself on our first date and talked constantly. I did give him a chance though and turned out it was nerves!!!
However, the OTT love-bombing is not right. You have 2 choices - tell him he's not really for you or tell him you don't like the love-bombing and to calm the fck down.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 20/07/2019 18:14

You need to RUN from this guy and fast!!!

I can almost guarantee he's at best a narcissist and at worst a sociopath!

13 Whatapp messages!!! That's completely bonkers, especially as they are all classic lovebombing stuff. A huge sign of a controlling and abusive man:

  • He's so lucky to have you (he knows he's a crazy piece of shit who most women run from after a few dates- he's putting you on a pedestal by idealising you which is the first stage of abuse)
  • All his compliments seem to be about superficial things (he's proud to be seen with you) and he's fast forwarding intimacy by constantly asking you to kiss/hold hands and staring at your bum. He's trying to hook you in and he is only concerned about how you make HIM look in public by being with you (this is what all narcissists look for in a partner- how good you make them appear to uphold their public facade of grandiosity)
  • Talking of holidays and meeting your son on the first date - again he is fast forwarding the relationship
  • Showing your profile to his family and talking about kids in the future - creating a false sense of intimacy and fast forwarding again
  • Asking you if you are not happy about something he does - this is so he can know his plan of reeling you in isn't working so he can change tactics before you catch on to him properly
  • Talking almost exclusively about himself- shows he only really cares about himself and is highly narcissistic. I bet he was full of sob stories about how he's a victim in life his ex treated him unfairly and none of it was his fault. Talking about his grandiose fantasies of success which I bet are all highly exaggerated or outright lies.

I know its flattering when so many guys are scared to commit and then you come across someone who is ready to settle down the instant they meet you but trust me, this is why abusive men are so successful at what they do. They know what women want to hear.

Ask yourself this, why would a man who hasnt taken the time to get to know you be willing to throw himself into a committed relationship after one date? It's because he doesnt care about getting to know you, he has assessed you as a good candidate for narcissistic supply and therefore he has seen things in you that benefit him.

I also doubt he is really single (all narcissists are prolific cheaters) and even if he is, he isn't emotionally available if he is still wearing his wedding ring. I dont care what hand he puts it on.

This guy is textbook OP. Your only option is to block and delete and never respond to him again. You need to protect your DC from this man as he WILL destroy your life if you let him in.

I've fallen for all the above several times and it always ended very very badly for me. Please do not make the same mistake

Miniloso · 20/07/2019 18:21

NOPE!!!

That’s not normal or healthy OP. I would not go on another date with him!

Frith2013 · 20/07/2019 18:22

Run away.

FriarTuck · 20/07/2019 18:27

I can almost guarantee he's at best a narcissist and at worst a sociopath!
Really? Based on one Mumsnet post written by someone who's been on one date with him? Maybe you could get a job with the NHS as a psychologist - you could whizz through diagnosing patients with your talents Hmm

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 20/07/2019 18:32

He might be abit rusty after being in a relationship for 20yrs.
Not all of what you said gives me immediate "red flags" just sounds like someone who isn't used to being single and only has the experience of the post-dating stage. It's ok for you to dislike him for it though and I'm sure with time (and many more dates, not necessarily with you) he will realise he is going about it all wrong.

If you genuinely like him then give him a chance, but be firm with boundaries.
I had a friend in a similar situation to him who came out of a long term relationship and put her heart and soul into it, after umpteen failed dates she finally slowed herself down abit. She wasn't "unhinged" or a potential predator Hmm just lost her way a little!

PurpleGlitter1983 · 20/07/2019 18:35

Total freak. Run.

13?!

Run like the wind.

gearandloathing · 20/07/2019 18:39

The acid test is what will happen if you say you want to slow things down.

If he accepts this, he may be ok.
My fear is that he will react badly to this and that really will be a red flag.

Test him out if you're not sure OP.

QueenofPain · 20/07/2019 18:43

Red flags all over the place with this one! Like someone else mentioned, he’s looking for absolutely anyone to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in his life, not specifically you.

Zofloramummy · 20/07/2019 18:47

I have a song stuck in my head after reading your post OP.

“There’s Klingons on the starboard bow, scrap em off Jim!”

Just no, not the one for you. Set him lose so he can go and scare the shit out of other women with his intense neediness.

Littlejets · 20/07/2019 18:49

He could just have been really nervous and excited Hmmlol lol lol.
Seriously though it does sound like red flags are everywhere but you could try another couple of dates to see. I had red flags with my partner now but gave him the benefit of the doubt and a year later we're still together.

Has he definitely left his 20 year relationship though?? Still has the ring and more than happy to travel 1 hour to meet for a date? Just putting that out there.

DustShuffler · 20/07/2019 18:49

Well OTT - taxi please!

He's either massively unhinged and not aware of social norms or he's trying to flatter you into bed trying to make out you're 'girlfriend material' and then will ghost you. You deserve better

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 20/07/2019 19:06

Yes Friar that is my opinion. Everyone who has posted on this thread has given their opinion from 'one post, after one date'. You seem to come on every thread where the guy is clearly abusive and suggest there is some logical explanation for it. It's actually quite dangerous because there are serious red flags here, all of them point to him being an abusive narc and NONE of them point to him being normal.

If you've been with enough of them (like me) you learn how to spot them after one date.