My husband has admitted to cheating on me with sex workers

[BestUseADifferentName]

I found out yesterday when he accidentally sent me a message he meant to send to one. He tried to pass it off as the first time bullshit and make me feel sorry for him with how he's been feeling and mental health stuff. I got him to show me his bank statements this morning and now he's admitted he's been seeing them for three years. We are splitting up. I'm a stay at home mum with a puppy so I'm pretty fucked.

He's gone out to walk the dog.

DD is going to wake up soon. She is 7. I don't know how to be okay.

I've read these threads on here for years. Now it's my turn to LTB.

This is very helpful as a starting point
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

Op your Dd need a home, if there is any money in your property, it should go to providing a home for her.

Yes as you're a SAHM you're the primary carer so you will probably be able to stay in the family home with DD until she turns 18 or something. Obviously depends on various factors but it's definitely not just a matter of forcing a sale and splitting the equity 50/50.

Don't let him gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault because he can't talk to you/is stressed /you have mental health issues /he has mental health issues.

He kept saying that I should be supporting him through this mental health crisis like he did for me

Well doesn't he sound charming as fuck. OP I have been in your spot, 18 years together when I discovered he was using escorts for about 5 years, he blamed my depression, he also blamed the fact that I had been sexually abused as a child, he used things that he knew I was sensitive and vulnerable about to hurt me all over again, they are all like this, blame, blame, blame, never their own decision that lead them to do this.

The sick feeling in your stomach fades, the heartache fades, for a time it will feel like you are grieving a death, you will be filled by self doubt as you question what is right, question your own intellect because if you were "wrong" about this person you loved and trusted what else are you wrong about? All those thoughts are normal.

My best advice is to speak to a therapist that specialises in infidelity due to use of sex workers/porn/sexual addictive behaviours (I am in Ireland if you need to pm me for the name of one) try to get exercise, I found walking greatly helped me, I also found mindfulness useful when it felt like my emotions were out of my own control, "Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal" by Dr. Sheri Keffer helped some too. Her blog is excellent drsherikeffer.co/blog/

Legal and financial advice are a must, as is a health check ASAP.
If there is anything I can help you with please pm me, take care

Doh! I put in the wrong link for her blog above, this is the correct one
drsherikeffer.com/blog/

Thanks again everyone and Chuckles, thanks I will have a look at that.

I've been enjoying our holiday and putting it all out of my mind, but we're going home tomorrow and it's all coming flooding back.

I'll be getting some legal advice as soon as I get back home.

I don't know what to do about work. Full time or try for part time to fit around school.

I so want to keep my dog :(

I saw him yesterday for the first time when we got back from holiday.

We had quite a frank discussion. He told me that although he is sorry for hurting me etc he doesn't feel at all guilty about any of it.

I think in reality our relationship was over a long time ago and we had just become friends.

Although I'm still reeling from it all and the deception, I'm not actually feeling horrendously bad about it now. I'm seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

And now I'm feeling like shit again.

It's the thought of going through life 'alone', with no one to share things with. I can't imagine feeling happy or doing things that make me happy atm. I think I'm feeling like this because I've spent the weekend on my own. I just feel so down, and I don't want to speak to anyone or see anyone. I feel like I couldn't hold a conversation at the moment and just going outside to the car seems like a big mental effort. Everything I do reminds me that I'm on my own now. I'm a single person. And while I know there's nothing wrong with being single and it has a lot of perks, I just want someone to speak with and who understands me like DH did. I don't mean deep conversation even, just chit chat.

And I can't think about Christmas without crying.

Oh I am sorry, OP. This is so hard. You will have lots of ups and downs through this time - feeling ok or even optimistic one day, then distressed the next. It is a huge adjustment...

You will get through to the other end though.... After 21 years, I found out my husband was having an affair and would not give up a much younger woman. He was all I had ever known and I had a six year old girl.

All I can say is you will definitely get through it if you just keep going. I am now out the other end - me and my daughter happy and well adjusted. And you won't be alone for ever. In time, you can meet someone who makes you truly happy. Back then I could never envision being with another man, but the man I am with now makes me far happier than my husband ever did - and I am very grateful for going through such a big disruption in life..... it feels horrible at the time, but it is also the most amazing opportunity to refine yourself, carve new opportunities and experience new things...

You will be ok. Just breathe, be gentle with yourself, and keep putting one foot in front of the other....

I am sending lots of warm encouragement. Xxx

I just want someone to speak with and who understands me like DH did

When you think that - remember that he was probably planning his next shag.
Also you aside for a moment, he has been spending family money, you daughter's potential lifestyle on getting his dick buried in another woman.

Thank you. I do know it will be better with time, I just hate feeling like this now. I know I just need to get through it :(

It's really not DH I'm pining for, it's the life I thought I had. And I'm just lonely. I'm not thinking about taking him back.

Don't dwell on the life you thought you had - that was a lie.
Look forward to your new life, free of his deceit , his lies , his putting your health at risk, his low regard of you and your daughter.

See yourself of being able to break free and master of your new freedom .

He told me that although he is sorry for hurting me etc he doesn't feel at all guilty about any of it.

He sounds so awful. Thank god you don't have to live with a man like this anymore!

OP,

I would soften just a little bit what some of the others are saying. Thinking about the life you have lost is an important part of grieving and you need to do that to move on successfully. Some of that life was not what you thought. Some was real but will feel tarnished now.... and the future you thought you had is gone and does need to be grieved. Regardless of how bad what your husband did, I know from experience hearing insults about him may not help - in fact it can feel like an insult to you by extension, so as long as you are not considering going back, I would encourage people to resist doing that.

I understand that feeling of loss - it is actually many losses that need to be felt and worked through.... there isn't really a shortcut through that, as you know..... my advice would be to actually feel the grief intensely and let it flow whenever you can, when you are not with the kids.......that way it will pass a little quicker and will be less corrosive, stuck inside, as you build your new life. Sending hugs.

OP absolutely let yourself grieve. It is like a mourning. I found i went through the different stages of grief too (denial, anger, acceptance etc).
You are dealing with the loss of your future (as you saw it), the comfort and familiarity of your life, the loss of the man you thought you knew.

Whatever you feel is right at the moment.