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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has admitted to cheating on me with sex workers

92 replies

BestUseADifferentName · 20/07/2019 07:13

I found out yesterday when he accidentally sent me a message he meant to send to one. He tried to pass it off as the first time bullshit and make me feel sorry for him with how he's been feeling and mental health stuff. I got him to show me his bank statements this morning and now he's admitted he's been seeing them for three years. We are splitting up. I'm a stay at home mum with a puppy so I'm pretty fucked.

He's gone out to walk the dog.

DD is going to wake up soon. She is 7. I don't know how to be okay.

I've read these threads on here for years. Now it's my turn to LTB.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 22/07/2019 10:59

That must have been hard. x

From her point of view, it won't be the first time she has been told parents are splitting up, and it is great you've got it out of the way today, or you'd only have to do it after the summer holidays.
The teacher will keep a close eye on DD and make sure she's ok.

Original poster
BestUseADifferentName · 22/07/2019 14:06

Do you think this awful punched in the stomach feeling will be gone by Friday?

I take citalopram for my anxiety anyway, I wonder if I should try to speak to my GP before then to maybe increase it.

OP posts:
Zapata29 · 22/07/2019 20:55

Definitely speak to your GP, you've had a massive shock and it will take some time for you to come to terms with this but with help and support you will get through this. Have you had counselling or CBT for the anxiety? Maybe it would help to talk to someone about everything you're going through.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 22/07/2019 21:35

Oh op I am so sorry. Please get yourself booked in with a sexual health clinic before your holiday. Sending you big hugs. Thanks

Mrsmummy90 · 22/07/2019 21:48

I'm so sorry Thanks

TheletterZ · 23/07/2019 19:20

How are you doing today? That punched in the stomach feeling will come and go over the next few days/ weeks but will settle down.

EL8888 · 24/07/2019 07:31

Thinking of you. That being punched in the stomach will in time go away. As other people have said you husband may become less reasonable in time and you would do well to see legal advice especially with you have a child together

joystir59 · 24/07/2019 07:46

Get some legal advice asap. You are brace and amazing and you will feel better in time, but this is a big shock you are processing. Be kind to yourself OP Flowers

joystir59 · 24/07/2019 07:46

Brave

Alfiemoon1 · 24/07/2019 10:55

How are you op

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2019 12:09

That awful feeling in your stomach will subside.
But I don't that will happen by Friday.
Mine took months to go away when I found out my ExH what cheating.
Definitely go to your GP.
Up your dose if that will help.
I really hope you have a good and relaxing holiday.

Throughabushbackwards · 24/07/2019 12:42

This exact thing happened to my BFF last year, almost to the day! She found FB messages on her DHs iPad between him and numerous prostitutes.

She kicked him out the very same day and has since moved to a smaller, more manageable home and is slowly adjusting to a new, happy life as a single mum.

Don't blame yourself. My friend is honestly a wonderful person who saw no issues in her marriage other than the usual rough patches that all couples with three children will likely go through at some point. He said nothing to her about being unhappy with their sex life, or indeed the marriage. Her friends and family are all still in a state of disbelief that he would throw it all away.

All the best getting through this. I hope the holiday serves as time to reflect and energise yourself Thanks

PicsInRed · 24/07/2019 12:46

Took me about 3 months of very low (child/divorce only) contact to begin to feel quite normal, not happy ... but quite normal (though "happy" did gradually return over further months).

The stomach punch feeling also goes, give it a couple of months too, you'll see.

Keep very busy, do things just for you. Good solicitor a must - I'm afraid that reasonableness almost never lasts. Flowers

Original poster
BestUseADifferentName · 24/07/2019 20:09

I feel fine and almost 'normal' for a couple of hours, then the dread is back again for a while.

DD is staying with him at his mum's tonight so she can see him before we go away. So I'm on my own overnight for the first time. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm so fucked financially. I gave up my fairly well paid job in July last year. We even had a conversation before I handed my notice in where I pointed out to him what a shitty position I'd be in if things ever went bad between us, and he said it wasn't going to happen. I'm not going to be able to get a job paying anywhere near the same. I had only been back at work for 10 months when I left and before that I'd been on maternity leave and a career break for a total of 6 years. With the job climate today there are a million people with better education and recent experience that will beat me to jobs easily. I'm certainly never going to be a home owner again after this house is sold. I can't imagine I'll ever be able to take DD on holiday again or get her much for birthdays or Christmas. I'm going to be the poor, boring parent who can't afford to do things with her while he will be fine.

He isn't blaming me for all this. He says he is suffering from stress and mental health problems and has dealt with it badly. He says he hasn't wanted to talk to me because of my mental health problems which a year or so ago were pretty awful. He says he tried to talk to me about how he was feeling in 2012 (!) and I reacted badly so he didn't try talking to me about it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
BestUseADifferentName · 24/07/2019 20:12

I know the reasonableness isn't going to last. I think he will definitely keep paying towards DD, but I don't think for a second anything beyond that will continue.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 24/07/2019 20:13

Well how convenient that it's all your fault Hmm
What an arse Angry

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/07/2019 20:19

Twat! It is not your fault and you did not create this.
Look after yourself and DD Flowers

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 20:23

He isn't blaming me for all this. He says he is suffering from stress and mental health problems and has dealt with it badly

Ohhhhh that's alright then. How kind of him not to blame you. Of course he's been paying sex workers because of his badly dealt with MH and stress problems Hmm

Original poster
BestUseADifferentName · 24/07/2019 20:27

That is fucking nonsense isn't it?! You don't deal with depression by paying for sex.

Before he told me all the details eventually on Saturday, he almost had me feeling sorry for him.This was when he was saying that it was the first time he'd contacted one and he'd never actually done it. He kept saying that I should be supporting him through this mental health crisis like he did for me.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 20:29

Before you got meds for your anxiety OP - were you paying for sex with male sex workers, as a kind of medicine? No? But that's the excuse he's using!
Can you see how ridiculous it is?

Original poster
BestUseADifferentName · 24/07/2019 20:30

Yet every now and again I consider taking him back, just to feel 'normal' again and to feel safe financially. I won't though.

I feel like I'm grieving for a life I never really properly had.

OP posts:
Original poster
BestUseADifferentName · 24/07/2019 20:31

I totally see how ridiculous it is.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 24/07/2019 20:31

But he is blaming you. He blames you for the fact that he didn't open up to you about his problems. He blames your own MH problems and the fact that you "react badly". In fact, you made it so impossible for him to talk to you that he had absolutely no choice but to stick his dick in prostitutes.

In fact I'm sure that's exactly what his GP prescribed when he talked to them about this mental health crisis.

There are no words for how much of a clichéd fucking bastard he is.

AnotherEmma · 24/07/2019 20:33

I really think you should talk to a solicitor or two sooner rather than later. Some offer a free initial consultation (it's not just a myth!) - your local Citizens Advice might have a list.

Hopefully that will help you to get a better idea of where you'll stand financially.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 20:39

In fact, you made it so impossible for him to talk to you that he had absolutely no choice but to stick his dick in prostitutes.

Well obviously! what else could the poor man do? Grin

Not making light of your pain, OP but his excuses are pathetic. Please don't get suckered into feeling sorry for the dirty prick.