My friend is dying of cancer and their partner maybe on a dating site

[Danpitt]

Being a single man I use dating apps like Tinder and I came across a profile which I think is my friends wife.

1. The name is the same 2)The age is the same
2. location is the same
3. mentions she's a BBW, my friends wife is a big girl
4. profile mentions she's married but complicated
5. her interests are exactly the same. There's no photos on her profile just memes, the same memes she has as her social media photos.

Now my friend has a matter of weeks, months at best. Do I tell him what I found, what may or may not be his wife or do I leave it so he has a happy memory to take with him when he dies?

How on earth can you POSSIBLY contemplate such a thing? No way on earth should you say anything.

What's to be gained? Making a dying man's last few weeks worse than they could've been and turning a soon-to-be widow into the local public enemy number 1? Please don't do it.

Why WOULD you tell him? given the circumstances?

What does BBW mean?

@ScreamingLadySutch I think its 'big beautiful woman'

What sort of fucking dickhead goes around trying to find someone to shag when their partner is dying? Wait until after surely? Unfortunately you certainly cannot tell your friend, I'd just avoid the wife in future.

I dated someone (briefly) who was married and his wife was terminally ill (I found this out around date 3) and they had set his profile up together. She actively wanted him to move on and find someone and not mourn her indefinitely. It brought her comfort to know he wouldn't be alone forever and that she had helped him in that process.

I couldn't get my head around bringing myself into that situation, but I sort of understood it.

This is quite possibly what your friends have done. Don't go sticking your oar in, you are guessing at best, and it's bugger all to do with you regardless.

Haven't you heard of "shoot the messenger"? You'll get the blame whether it's true or not. Not your circus.

I would usually advise to tell him. But.... in these circumstances.
No way.
He has enough to deal with right now.
I would tell her though.

1. Why would you unless your a shit stiring narcissist? 2. You don't even know that it is her - so you are contemplating devastating a dying man's last precious days and probably running a woman's relationship with her family forever over an anynonymous posting! Give your head a fucking wobble

And all these ' I would tell her' people - why??? A woman's husband is dying and you want to confront her over an Anonymous advert - great fucking friends you all are

Christ Almighty, why would you even consider this ?

I normally love shot stirring but in this case it’s going a bit below the belt.

Why would you tell him?

I can’t think of a single good reason why you would tell him

Even if he dies know, he’d probably rather husbfruends didn’t know & if he doesn’t he’ll be absolutely devastated, why would you bring that hurt to him in his Nast few weeks

I’m actually hoping you’re yet another GF because I’d hope any dying people would have friends with more sense & compassion

Do you destroy the last few months of someone's life because of something that may or may not be true?

What sort of a person does that to someone?

If she is spending her time caring for him she maybe just wants a bit of attention or something for herself, it's relentless caring for someone all the time. Not saying it's right, but I get it.

Stay out of it, not your business.

"And all these ' I would tell her' people - why???"

What people?

I haven't t seen a single post recommending telling her. Even posters who say they are of the 'tell' camp say 'don't do it in these circs'.

It's a rare, unanimous thread

No, say nothing. It might be an agreement between them and it's none of your business.

I would stay out of it for sure.

However I don't understand why some posters are being harsh to you - calling you a narcissist, meddling etc. I think many of us would have this moral conflict if we saw the same thing so I don't know why you're receiving such vitriol. I think it's normal that you're wondering what to do.

Keep quiet

I can't believe you've even had to ask this. What is possibly gained by this? He's terminally ill and will die very soon and you want to tell him. Why would you want to inflict possible pain in the very last day's of his life? How would it help him? It's not like he is going to ltb and move on with his life. If he's not aware of this you could destroy him. Be mindful that that profile could belong to anyone, there's only you putting two and two together and you making five. I'm sure it's not that unique and could apply to many women.

Stfu and stay out of it

You are really going to ask a soon to be bereaved woman if she's on Tinder?

Please don't say anything to him. What good would it do?

However I don't understand why some posters are being harsh to you - calling you a narcissist, meddling etc. I think many of us would have this moral conflict if we saw the same thing so I don't know why you're receiving such vitriol. I think it's normal that you're wondering what to do.

Not sure why you don't understand? The op is considering doing something horrible, which nobody on this thread supports.

It shows a profound lack of empathy and understanding on the op's part and I don't think it's at all normal that the op is wondering what to do.

Definitely don't go there ...

I agree Niges that the vitriol shown to the OP is really over the top. I am sure most of us would feel very uncomfortable in this situation ... and as usual, if it was a wife who was terminally ill and the husband on dating sites I am sure the comments would be totally different ......