My friend is dying of cancer and their partner maybe on a dating site

[Danpitt]

Being a single man I use dating apps like Tinder and I came across a profile which I think is my friends wife.

1. The name is the same 2)The age is the same
2. location is the same
3. mentions she's a BBW, my friends wife is a big girl
4. profile mentions she's married but complicated
5. her interests are exactly the same. There's no photos on her profile just memes, the same memes she has as her social media photos.

Now my friend has a matter of weeks, months at best. Do I tell him what I found, what may or may not be his wife or do I leave it so he has a happy memory to take with him when he dies?

I remember a well known journalist who was publicly dying of cancer, and after their death it became clear their spouse had been dating before their death, probably with their acceptance and permission. Things can be so difficult and if I were the dying partner I would want my spouse to be cared for and happy after I was gone.

Can you imagine ruining his last few weeks and her lasting memories of him, all because some of the details on a tinder profile may or may not be her?!

Please don’t. You won’t be helping anyone.

Obviously, it’s usually the right thing to do. However, that’s because someone could end up living a lie and deserves the chance to move on and find someone who won’t lie to them and betray them.

In this case, there’s literally nothing to gain from him knowing.

As others have said, in grief we often reach out for some affection in strange places. The fear of a future alone could have prompted her to see what would happen if she had to start dating.

I am firmly of the 'tell' camp, but think this case should be a rare exception.

I believe people deserve the chance to make decisions about their future based on proper information, not lies and half-truths and with (so-called) friends covering up.

But this poor chap doesn't have much of a future. So he cannot change course and look to a better life single or with someone else.

It's his last days - what sorts of thoughts do you think he has? What sorts might he want?

Don't say anything. My friend was seeing people when her husband was dieing. I was abit shocked,, but it turns out that they had talked about it & it was right for them at the time. It was their way of dealing with the situation. It didn't stop them from loving each other, but some people need the physical release.

It might be a way of cheering herself up and reaching out to other people for some self esteem boosting.

You're asking us whether you should give potentially devastating information to your dying friend?

Normally I say tell. But please please don’t in this case. That poor man. He doesn’t need this as well. Help make his last weeks and months full of kindness and support.

Keep the fuck out of your friend's business. Have you always been jealous of his wife or are you just a self-righteous meddler?

I can’t believe anyone would think it appropriate to tell in these circumstances?!!!

What’s he going to do, leave her?!!!

Stay out of it

Absolutely no way should you tell him. No way at all.

Stay out of it. Telling him will only cause pain at a truly awful time.

I keep well out of it, who knows how others cope and your friend may know.

I remember a well known journalist who was publicly dying of cancer, and after their death it became clear their spouse had been dating before their death

Let's hope this woman ends up with someone nicer than she did!

Leave it.

I would usually think you should say something but absolutely no way on this situation - what could he possibly gain from knowing?

Stay out of it. They might have come to some kind of agreement if she has been in more of a carers role for a while. And if she hasn't, what good could possibly come of this?

Also from what you've posted, you can't be sure it's her. "Laura from London, enjoys watching movies" - hey my friends wifes name is Laura and they live in London, and she likes movies, that must be her! Hardly case closed.

What do you hope to gain by saying something? Your friend is near the end of his life, do you think it will help his final days by knowing his wife is possibly cheating on him?

No it won't. Don't say anything.

Leave it. My friend died of a brain tumour, after several years of suffering from various other cancers, about 18 months ago. Her husband had a new girlfriend within a very few weeks of her death. I was shocked and angry. Turns out that my friend had encourage him to try OLD and had written his profile before she died.

No. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t make a tragic situation worse for him. She will have to live with what she’s done, and I doubt that will be easy.

I'd have a quiet word with her. Tell her, whilst you don't want to stir any shit, if you can figure out who she is, perhaps others who don't have the benefit of Mumsnet wisdom could, and maybe she'd like to disguise herself a bit further.

If she then wants to explain anything you've given her an opportunity.

Honestly, it depends on what you want to achieve.

I would usually say, tell them. But I dont think it will help in this situation.

Theres a very good chance her actually knows.

This happened to someone I know. Someone told him.
It made his last few weeks horrific, she never forgave herself and tried to kill herself, family and friends took sides.
The funeral was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever witnessed.
The poor woman was just trying to find a bit of comfort at an extraordinarily difficult time
Butt the fuck out

This thread is pretty unanimous. I agree with the consensus. You don’t know if your friend has consented to this. People, who genuinely love their partners want them to find happiness after their death. When I was younger I would have been outraged, not anymore.

There's no photo..... So. You don't actually. Know anything

I agree that you should ignore and forget what you’ve seen. He might well already know. Whether he does or not the priority for you should be making his last days happy and if he doesn’t know finding out about this will not make him happy.