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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel really hurt by friends after divorce

55 replies

Betteranon · 18/07/2019 18:44

Ex and I separated three weeks ago. I feel loads of awful things, sadness, regret, guilt for what it’s doing to my DCs, but also I feel really let down by our mutual friends.

We have a group of mutual friends. We told them the separation is amicable, we are not slagging each other to our friends and we don’t expect them to choose sides...and yet three guys have each (and separately) taken Ex out to check he is OK, have a chat, keep him company, etc. I asked if any of the women fancied a night out...no one is available for three weeks, I asked them over to ours with DCs and no one even replied. We also have a single friend who spent ages crying on my shoulder over her recent divorce who hasn’t even contacted me once but has been out with Ex almost daily (she has a boyfriend so I am not sure she has any ulterior motives) and a couple of other friends who are in constant contact and supporting Ex without having sent me one message.

Why are people so awful? I used to arrange all our social life before the separation. I sorted out invites, cooked food, bought drinks, etc. I remembered birthdays, and sick kids, and helped out. Ex always winged that these people were boring and he had better things to do with his time. And yet now they fuss over him while completely ignoring me.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 18/07/2019 18:47

Welcome to the single woman's world. You are now a Potential Husband Snatcher and will only be invited along if they have a lone mail they want to pair off.
Your ex will pair up with your single friend as that it what PHSs do.
Mark my words.

waterrat · 18/07/2019 19:07

That is truly shit. MAybe they think that as a man he needs help coping more.

If it was me I would have to tell them I was hurt.

thesuninsagittarius · 18/07/2019 19:08

Just wanted to send you some strength and sympathy. This happened to me. People I thought were my friends were congratulating my ex on getting together with OW and getting engaged to her. Me, I was treated as though I was an embarressment and a potential husband-shagger. There are always some women who will side with a man rather than a woman, usually because they are so insecure and male attention is what validates them. Two years on, I know who my friends are and I'm a lot tougher about taking crap treatment from anyone. Sending you hugs, I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. It takes time and it's hard sometimes but you will get there, and you'll have new friends who have never met your ex. Take care

SeaSidePebbles · 18/07/2019 19:12

Wait till their respective husbands/boyfriends make a pass on you, then it’ll get really fucking hilarious.
Sorry OP. It does happen. It’s not you. Flowers

MonSacEstDu31RueCambon · 18/07/2019 19:12

Oh hun.

This is the new reality and it hurts a lot for a while. I was not just suffering with feelings of being marginalised but I was also railing against such a conservative society. I couldn't believe that society was so conservative. It is but it gets better as I think the most couple centric socialising goes on when children are small.

What bothered me hugely once upon a time makes me shrug with total indifference now. I can do anything I want to except socialise with couples.

MonSacEstDu31RueCambon · 18/07/2019 19:14

What I mean is, you will get through it and you will be a more independent person for it. It is horrible when you're going through it.
You will find out who is loyal to you and who valued you and your friendship.

LatentPhase · 18/07/2019 19:27

Oh how awful, I’m so sorry.

After my divorce my (former) very close friend of 25years (who was happy to point out my ex husbands faults and shortcomings - ex barely saw the kids while I struggled to keep body/soul/house/kids/job together) mysteriously started hanging out and being his bezzy mate. She hated me moving on and getting stronger so tried to sabotage me by causing ructions. After throwing a hissy fit (I don’t know whyyyyy! I couldn’t be arsed. She is now his good friend and not mine!

Seriously. I think many friends just want their life to be easy and fun and women want be able to go out in a group with their menfolk. No stress, no threat. All easy. Being a Decent Friend is actually a lot lower down most people’s priorities than we think. And that’s without your newfound scary Homewrecker credentials!

My therapist said I needed a new bunch of people in my life. I joined a choir and hang out with more mature people and really it’s been the best thing!

Right now it hurts though. I would be tempted to message them all, say you’re hurt then set them adrift.

Poor you Flowers you are allowed to wallow a bit. A week

Here’s to your new life! Wine

MikeUniformMike · 18/07/2019 19:32

Yes it is shit. They are letting you down.Your ex will be snapped up by someone who he wouldn't have looked at before.There are predators around.
I't's not a good situation, apart from it being amicable.
My thoughts are with you.

Betteranon · 18/07/2019 19:55

I hadn’t even thought of that possibility (Husband Snacher)! A relationship is the last thing on my mind and fuck me if I would get involved with a married person to mess up his family and DCs like I have mine!

My therapist says I need to get more sources of support as I was too dependent on Ex (emotionally) but I am crap at starting friendships and now if all my existing friends ignore me there is literally no one left apart from my narcissistic DM.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 18/07/2019 19:56

has been out with Ex almost daily
Not a friend ^^

bribery · 18/07/2019 19:56

Bless you OP Thanks It sucks doesn't it? Most of my friends have been really decent but I'm very disappointed with a few of them. It's been years since I left my ex and they picked a side - his side - too early, only to end up being ditched themselves - by him! They backed the wrong horse. Once he met his new partner and her mates, he had no use for our old mutual friends so they fell by the wayside. Sadly this attitude extends to his kids for the most part too.

One thing I will say is, just because you meant what you said about not slagging each other off or forcing anyone to take sides, are you sure he has been so loyal himself? You say three different blokes have taken him out three different times for "cheering up" drinks; could your ex possibly have talked shit about you or played the victim to the point where these guys went back and told their wives, gossip about you being the bad guy spread and they're now treating you coldly? Still doesn't make it right but I only ask as ex did a hatchet job on me despite saying he's only speak highly. I have had a few apologies since he was found to have lied and then scarpered. I've had some very sheepish old friends reach out but although I'll be friendly with them, I'll never trust them again. Damage is done.

PicsInRed · 18/07/2019 20:13

bribery has it.

I'd be very surprised if he hasn't bigged up his "sadness" and made you out to be some sort of villain. Possibly even accused you of leaving him, even for someone else.

Don't be so sure he's actually amicable when behind your back.

Betteranon · 18/07/2019 20:31

To be honest he has betrayed my trust so much recently that I wouldn’t put anything past him. It turns out the last few years of our marriage was a huge emotional betrayal which finished off with him shoving me literally off my feet during an argument.

I don’t want to get into a “he did, she did” with friends as I don’t think that helps anything and could make things even more difficult for the kids. But I am talking with my therapist which is the only bright moment in my whole week.

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 18/07/2019 20:37

He has painted you as the bad guy in this. I guarantee.

PicsInRed · 18/07/2019 20:38

Did he cheat on you? And emotionally abuse you? It's not unheard of for abusers and cheats to then turn around and spread a story that THEY victim of YOUR abuse and cheating.

LatentPhase · 18/07/2019 20:40

Stick with your therapist right now, and you’ll be great..

Pipandmum · 18/07/2019 20:45

I realised the single woman thing after my husband died. My friend I had before were still my friends, but none of the people we k ew as a couple. I eventually move to a new area and made new friends. I have many now, all coupled up, but circumstances have made us friends. However I do notice that I’m never invited over to dinner parties and the like by the (admittedly few) coupled friends that do them, I just do the girlie nights. Tough luck for them most of the husbands are boring and unattractive!

WomanLikeMeLM · 18/07/2019 20:46

Perhaps they are busy working, kids etc.

LynetteScavo · 18/07/2019 20:51

He's painted you as the bad guy, so they all like him more atm.

MadamBatty · 18/07/2019 20:53

You have my sympathies & support. I’m guessing this shite has being going on since the beginning of time. It’s part for the course. Separated man gets sympathy, friendship. Invites. Separated woman gets suspicion, cold shoulder.

rightteous · 18/07/2019 20:58

When my sister became single, her social life ended. Nobody wants an attractive, bubbly, intelligent woman with big boobs around their husband. The moment you become single, women circle the wagons. It’s pathetic but very common. My advice would be to join single parent groups and start finding new friends ASAP. Check out the meetup app.

Loopytiles · 18/07/2019 21:02

V sorry, that sucks.

On the upside, your therapist sounds good!

Who were the main “friends” originally, you and the women or DH and the men? Sounds like the former.

DH and I have some friends / acquaintances made through the DC, I’ve sometimes thought that should we break up the friends would choose him over me, and that others only want to socialise in couples, but these assumptions may be incorrect if it ever comes to it!

Is your ex doing a fair share of parenting and practical stuff? If not, asking him to do so may give you more time for yourself, including to meet new friends.

rvby · 18/07/2019 21:04

My two closest friends rallied around me when I divorced and have become like sisters to me. My actual sister, my mother and a bunch of mummy friends did as your friends did.

I too tried not to air dirty laundry etc. It did me no good. Some folk assumed I was keeping it amicable to protect myself, not him (eg I was being nice because I'd been the wrong doer in the marriage).

I definitely noticed I was no longer welcome when the husbands were about in particular. I became an interloper and was treated with suspicion.

Once I got a new partner it was fine again...

It's not you op. Sadly in a world where single women are not particularly beloved or welcomed, its par for the course. I'm really sorry. I wish there were more to say to make it better x

user10303739730 · 18/07/2019 21:06

In a similar position but i just see it as they clearly weren't good friends & let them get on with it!

dottiedodah · 18/07/2019 21:17

People always seem ready to" take sides" in this sort of situation Im afraid.Many women in particular, feel threatened by a lone female as if she would not be able to resist the charms of their overweight boring husbands !.Your recently divorced "friend " who is seeing your ex almost daily ,sounds a little suspicious to me !.Do you have any family /old friends you could visit/have come to stay maybe?.What about joining a keep fit class /yoga group /Art group etc .Anywhere really to make new friends .Dont take it to heart ,often men will side with their mates and the wives will be too scared to see you in case it upsets their DHs! Pathetic I know!