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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel really hurt by friends after divorce

55 replies

Betteranon · 18/07/2019 18:44

Ex and I separated three weeks ago. I feel loads of awful things, sadness, regret, guilt for what it’s doing to my DCs, but also I feel really let down by our mutual friends.

We have a group of mutual friends. We told them the separation is amicable, we are not slagging each other to our friends and we don’t expect them to choose sides...and yet three guys have each (and separately) taken Ex out to check he is OK, have a chat, keep him company, etc. I asked if any of the women fancied a night out...no one is available for three weeks, I asked them over to ours with DCs and no one even replied. We also have a single friend who spent ages crying on my shoulder over her recent divorce who hasn’t even contacted me once but has been out with Ex almost daily (she has a boyfriend so I am not sure she has any ulterior motives) and a couple of other friends who are in constant contact and supporting Ex without having sent me one message.

Why are people so awful? I used to arrange all our social life before the separation. I sorted out invites, cooked food, bought drinks, etc. I remembered birthdays, and sick kids, and helped out. Ex always winged that these people were boring and he had better things to do with his time. And yet now they fuss over him while completely ignoring me.

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 27/10/2023 09:55

Oh @Betteranon I’m so sorry.

Similar situation here. I lost all my friends but one when STBXH and I split last year. Even my two besties fell by the wayside. One had STBXH round at her house showing him her new decor without telling me. She was making out that what he did was terrible (4 year affair) all while cosying up to him behind my back. After our split I also found out she didn’t tell me about some quite pertinent conversations between the two of them that might have saved me wasting another year with him. Then she contacted him creating drama when I told her I needed some space from our friendship.

When stuff like this happens you really find out who your friends are. But sometimes old friendships have to die to make way for new and better people to come into your life. I’m now much more particular about who I spend my precious time with and my life is better for it. You might be surprised who steps up in the near future to be there for you.

Petallove · 27/10/2023 10:02

One thing I learnt is you really learn who your friends are. I told people gradually. A few older friends just wanted gossip. Which I wasn’t going to give so that was obviously disappointing. Only try with those that try with you!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/10/2023 11:21

Another one who's had a similar experience. Mutual friends weren't seen for dust. One friend who we were godparents to had said one day 'we aren't taking sides, we're friends with you both', and the next week I found out that they'd had the ex and their new partner round for dinner. I never got an invite round and when I went to drop presents for children on birthdays, I didn't get past the front door.
The best thing to do is to find a new tribe, and true genuine friends will stay loyal and merge into it.

SJsunny · 27/10/2023 15:50

@Lili132 omg you are so right. This is so comforting to know I am not alone. I felt guilty about feeling bad about my old friends yet I couldn't rationalize their behavior. From what you and everyone are saying. Their behaviour was bound to happen. You are right. Very much convenience, fun friendship and collaboration whilst you can afford to remain in their circle. The moment you are not...you almost get politely and gently cast out. Thank you. This will help me to accept the pain, realize the truth and move on. Xxx thanks for being so amazing you mums. X

C2634 · 21/10/2024 15:04

Hi. I have been supporting a friend though a break up and divorce. But lately they have been going out doing things together like a couple. She keeps telling me she doesn't want him back.I think this is all wrong. Her husband is a narcissist bully. He doesn't see what he is done wrong and isn't wanting to let her go that is why I don't think they should be doing things together. Yes they have a child together but they are doing things together without the child. How do I tell her this isn't right.

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