Feel really hurt by friends after divorce

[Betteranon]

Ex and I separated three weeks ago. I feel loads of awful things, sadness, regret, guilt for what it’s doing to my DCs, but also I feel really let down by our mutual friends.

We have a group of mutual friends. We told them the separation is amicable, we are not slagging each other to our friends and we don’t expect them to choose sides...and yet three guys have each (and separately) taken Ex out to check he is OK, have a chat, keep him company, etc. I asked if any of the women fancied a night out...no one is available for three weeks, I asked them over to ours with DCs and no one even replied. We also have a single friend who spent ages crying on my shoulder over her recent divorce who hasn’t even contacted me once but has been out with Ex almost daily (she has a boyfriend so I am not sure she has any ulterior motives) and a couple of other friends who are in constant contact and supporting Ex without having sent me one message.

Why are people so awful? I used to arrange all our social life before the separation. I sorted out invites, cooked food, bought drinks, etc. I remembered birthdays, and sick kids, and helped out. Ex always winged that these people were boring and he had better things to do with his time. And yet now they fuss over him while completely ignoring me.

Honestly OP, you are not alone in this happening to you!! Same thing for me and XH and I remember how it hurt even though it was 15 years ago now. My closest (or so I thought) friends sided with him - with the benefit of hindsight I think it was because he really wanted to get back together and I wouldn't, and that was all he told them. Didn't mention the months/ years of rows beforehand, him refusing to discuss important issues, his family treating me like dirt etc...

Onwards and upwards OP! Please do try to get more involved in things you enjoy - either virtually if you're at home a lot with the DC - or out and about with new groups of people. My friends who run walking/ cycling groups always love new additions if you're interested in those kind of things? (Both free via the council!) Or I can recommend ceroc and other dancing groups - many friendly people and a brilliant social life if you're in a position to make the most of it, or the occasional fun night out if not

He didn’t cheat. He made some decisions about our marriage and his emotional availability that he never communicated to me (and kept insisting there was nothing wrong when I asked him a thousand times), he implemented them in our relationship without telling me anything, and it turned out he was wrong as his behaviour let to him exploding physically with anger.

WomanLikeMeLM yes that is my point, they are too busy to see me, but not too busy to see him.

I live in the middle of nowhere (not in the UK). Our local town has a video club with actual video cassettes...I don’t think many people here know what an app is!

I am doing the list of things you are supposed to do to pick yourself up after a divorce, e.g. exercise, new hobby, etc but I go days without speaking to another adult. I know how pathetic this sounds.

Ex is doing some childcare, definitely more than he ever did before. He wants 50:50 custody which is fine by me, I can finally get some work done, have some time to myself, and he is in for a rude awakening with respect to parenting full time.

Your last paragraph is absolutely true.

Do you work?

I kind of work. I left paid employment to be SAHP but in my career you have to keep active to get back into it, so I have worked around the DCs but for no money. That means my CV is not empty for the last decade and I can, hopefully, get back into it.

Will he really be parenting full time?
Or has he got someone lined up?

Don't quickly relent on 50/50 (where it didn't exist before) just because you think he'll have to pull his weight. It may be someone else spending that time with your child - when your child could be with a parent (you).

Also, as a SAHM with no income, you need to speak to a good solicitor urgently and tell them everything you've written here. Urgently.

For me, my issues would be 1) income and 2) loneliness.

More work (in a team environment) is the answer to both. Get yourself a work crush, they are brilliant ;)

I am pretty sure he doesn’t have anyone now. If he finds someone, i’ll have to see how that goes.

I am OK financially due to family money I inherited a while back (it’s complicated, but secure). But I really want to get back to work for my sanity.

It does NOT matter if your ex is going to spend his custody by dumping kids on childcare. let him do it.

It’s actually better for your kids to see you independent, happy, with friends. Kids are very very observant.

If you're independently wealthy, even more reason to get to a solicitor (or speak with the trust administrator, if applicable) to discuss your changed circumstances and ensure your money cannot be touched.

He's spending loads of time with your friend, who's gone off you. That will be who it is.

You mention being emotionally dependent on him in the past. Were these friends originally his? People sometimes naturally side with the person they know first. I’m friends with a guy from my uni days and his lovely wife but if they separated I’d probably see more of him than of her tbh.

There’s also the strong possibility that he’s badmouthed you. Your OP mentions that it’s amicable but your updates make him sound like a bit of a tool tbh, certainly not the type to say pleasant (or even neutral) things about you when you’re not present.

Unfortunately that's typical. Women see you now as competition, men see you as fair game. I've had so much inappropriate attention from men and joint friends aren't interested at all now

In a similar situation, and I see it, they were/are not good friends. I would rather with No friends than false friends!

These are all relatively recent friends, I.e. last ten years, that we made together.

I am really shocked at how many of you can relate to this experience of being dumped by mutual friends.

This is why I put very little effort into maintaining joint/couple friendships. When me and my OH went through a rocky patch one of my (what I thought) was my closest friends got very nasty with me. Far from being supportive, she blamed me and practically said that she couldn’t blame my husband for leaving because I was such hard work to be with. She’d known me 10 years and knew all the crap he’d put me through but when it came to the crunch it was obvious that her only concern was maintaining her social life. Me and OH got back together and since then the only invites we get are from her husband and she’s worked really hard at socialising with other couples (not us). Women can be unbelievably cruel. I’m still shocked by her behaviour but it means I’ll never put myself out for false couple friendships again. What’s the point? From now on, I’ll be focusing on my own hobbies and my own female friends regardless of the husbands getting on or not.

This happened to me when I split up with my husband. Even my sister distanced herself. I'll remember that one in particular! At a time when you need comfort, it hurts to be rejected by friends. I guess you never really know someone's true colours until the shit hits the fan. This happened 5 years ago and I have come to the realisation that in the cold light of day, you can't really rely on anyone.

Yep - same here.
Been there and got the t-shirt.
They all said they would be there for me but they weren't.
Luckily I have a couple of wonderful long term friends who will always be there for me.
But it really hurts when they don't make any effort to see how you are after such an upset.
Fickle fuckers!

You have only been separated a few weeks

I would suggest that you concentrate on yourself. If you have some friends who offer support, that will be a bonus

Get a job and or volunteer

Better to sort out good childcare than agree to 50/50, unless you’re fully confident your ex will personally parent them - and keep on top of and do it well.

This type of bloke is likely

Omg. I have been reading a few similar threads. And they are seem identical to mine. The main theme being married to a narcissist, who uses, abuses and then dumps. Followed by the abandonment of "so called friends" who prefer to just carry on with their happy easy lives, husbands kids, pets and two holidays a year.

I guess this is the norm? Sorry to sound bitter. Mine was a 27 year old marriage and ten years worth of friendship. My problem is ..how can I trust again, how can I find friends again. I try to make independence, kids and job replace my loneliness..but sometimes it creeps in. So grateful to read your stories. Thank you dear Mums

OP they were friends of convenience.
It suited them when all your families were meeting together, hosting dinners and helping each other out.
Now the dynamic changed. They probably feel there is no same benefits and also they have to take time away from their husbands and other commitments to see you. You're also probably competing with other mum friends for their attention while most weekends are reserved for meeting up with other couples.
My guess is that men find it easier to get some time away from the kids, chores ect to see your ex husband and they gravitate towards him mainly because of his gender.

It's understandable to be sad about it but unfortunately they are not real long lasting friends and you need to accept that and focus on building more solid support network.

HI @Betteranon I'm sorry your having such a hard time - and yes sadly a few of us will totally relate to whats happened to you.
I would bet that your Ex is playing the "victim" behind your back and that's why the sympathy seems to be going his way at the moment. Give it time - its only been a matter of weeks - things will settle down. Just continue being polite and open to everyone you like - invite them over occasionally but eventually friends will eventually fall in either your ex's "circle" or "yours" or sometime neither they will drift away from both of you.

I found that my female friends I'd made via the children were the ones who stuck by me and couples wed met together as a couple tended to side with my ex.

In terms of making new friends - I found an organisation called "Meet ups" which I believe is worldwide very good. Basically its a way of locally organised groups organising themselves. I joined a local "singles" walking group and a social group. Have a look - there might be something near you. I must admit - I didn't meet any new "lifelong" friends though that - BUT having an activity in my calendar certainly broke up the weeks where I was alone.

Good Luck - things will settle down and you'll eventually develop a new life on your own. But be patient - it doesn't happen overnight.

Watch out for that female ‘friend’ who meets up with him regularly but has no time for you. This happened to me, she had ulterior motives . All our mutual friends told me I was crazy, that friends dont go after your ex DH….esp when you are trying to work things out. My gut told me they were wrong. My gut was correct.