My husband searched for local escorts

[darknightsky]

Long story short, I found out my husband had been searching for local escorts. It was ac accident how I found out but it showed in the Google search history that he was searching for 'private escorts in xx' (near his work.

I just frozen and didn't know what to make of it. Couldn't believe what I saw for a minute then felt my stomach turning and my heart racing. I had never in a million years would thought that this would happen as I had absolutely no doubt that he love me. Obviously I was wrong.

When I confronted him, he started shifting the blame and accused me of searching through his private stuff and that I should stop acting stupid and so on. He said he searched it because his mate told me that one of his school friends became a local escort. When I asked who told him, he gave me a name. When I pressed him to call this friend to verify it, he admitted he made it up but he insisted that someone told him that still. To this date he still said the only reason he searched was because he was curious of his escort school friend. It sounded so lame to me and I just couldn’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth. He admitted that it was stupid of him to search for this but he never had or would never cheat on me. He said he actually found it funny although he knew he shouldn’t.

I feel hurt and disgusted and don’t know what to do. We have a two year old and a 5 month old baby. Admittedly, sex has become an issue since my first pregnancy. He wouldn’t touch when I passed my second trimester and we didn’t have sex for seven months after birth because I was terrified of the cut and stitches from birth. Same story with my second baby and we’ve only just started to have sex again when my baby became 4 months old because it was just too painful and scary for me. In the back of my mind, I knew we were in trouble but I didn’t expect him to go and search for some local prostitutes.

I have no one to talk to about this, not my family or friends. My minds are going crazy. I feel like my whole world has changed and everything I treasure is going away. I worry that I may never be able to trust him again even if I forgive him one day. I fear that my children will grow up in a broken family and I dread how that would affect them. I do still love him and don’t want divorce him solely because of the search history but at the same time, I don’t want to be in a marriage where there is no trust. I am torn.

You feel like that because it's true. You've discovered the truth about your husband. No matter what he now says, he's searched escorts so at some level he was interested.

Does anyone use the term 'broken family' other than on mumsnet? It's so 1970s. Families come in all forms, and they aren't broken.

Wouldn't it be more 'broken' to live with a man who looks for prostitutes? So many of them do, and wives don't know. You, at least, have the opportunity to choose not to live with this man.

He's vile, he's lying, and he was searching for escorts to have sex with.

There is no other possible version of events. Don't let him gaslight you.

And I agree with @womaninthedark - wtaf is a broken family? It's 2019 and there is no such thing.

The question you should be asking is whether it's better for children to grow up in an unhappy marriage where there is no trust, and where one parent is cheating, or to grow up with happy parents who don't live together.

Sorry it was a mistake and I didn't mean to cause any offence. I should have said broken marriage.

You do know he's lying, don't you? About what he heard?

If that part of the story were true, why would he lie about his friend telling him?

It's a lie. He just knows that's the part of the lie you can't disprove. So he's running with it.

I do know he's lying. I am just not sure if he had or would act on it but the scary fact may well be he has or would. Or does it even matter? It would only be a matter of time before he does, and I might as well get out of there sooner than later. Or should I give him a chance? I don't know what to do right now

I get this is really hard. But I can't fathom why anyone would want to stay with a man who researches local prostitutes. How could you ever let him touch you again?

I do still love him and don’t want divorce him solely because of the search history

You wouldn't be divorcing him solely because of his search history. You would be divorcing him because he was looking for prostitutes and, when caught out, lied. When caught out in the lie, he lied some more and lied again, and tried to gaslight you. So you would be divorcing him because you can't trust someone who keeps lying to you.

"Escorts near my workplace" isn't a search term you would use specifically to look for an old schoolmate, it's the search term you would use to find a prostitute you could visit in your lunch hour or after work while telling your wife "I have to stay late at work tonight."

Honestly, it doesn't matter whether he would have gone through with it. Just the fact that he even thought about doing it would be enough for me. Don't let him twist it to be your fault. It's not.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

So the person told him the old school friend was an escort near to where your H works?

Why wouldn't he just search her name?

I couldn't have sex with a man searching for local escorts.

@Mitzimaybe this is such brilliance:

You wouldn't be divorcing him solely because of his search history. You would be divorcing him because he was looking for prostitutes and, when caught out, lied. When caught out in the lie, he lied some more and lied again, and tried to gaslight you. So you would be divorcing him because you can't trust someone who keeps lying to you.

@darknightsky please read this over and over and take this to heart.

He is the one who has ruined the trust and probably the relationship. Him. Him. Not you. He did exactly what Mitzi described above. He has looked for prostitutes and lied to you.

You need to find your anger, and bear no guilt. You are the innocent and very wronged party here. Do not let him even dare suggest otherwise.

His story sounds like bullshit. How do you even know he's never been to an escort? Get an sti test to make sure you're safe. Divorce him

Thanks for all your replies! I still can't quite comprehend what happened here. Before yesterday I thought I was one lucky woman who married the love of her life with two beautiful children, how blessed I was! And now I am one betrayed and hurt and cheated on. He still is gaslighting me and dismissing all my feelings to just me being over reacting and he even sworn on his mother's life that nothing happened! Who did I marry? Who is he? It's such a head fuck and I just want to take the kids and disappear and never see him again.

Maybe nothing, apart from a dodgy, inappropriate web search, has happened? God knows, I would not want my search history to be known by everyone.
The lying and dismissal of you is 100% wrong and this needs to be rectified alongside a huge apology. It will be up to you if you can carry on a relationship with such a distressing incident in the past.
But, you acknowledge there are issues with your sex life at present. Why not investigate relationship counselling, to include the issue of DH considering paying for sex.

He’s lying.
He’ll carry on breaking your heart until you do something about it.

What peakypolly said. He might be a sleaze bag for looking, he might be a sleaze bag for lying......but he might not have actually met anyone.

Why would a man look for local prostitutes if he wasn't thinking of shagging one? It would be like going to the shop just for chocolate but not buying any!

It would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this :(

Do you have shared money or does he have his own bank account?

Yeah he would have just searched the name or the name along with 'private escorts' if he was looking for someone he knew. So obviously it is bull.

Also, if he'd got drunk out with pals and screwed a random girl at least that might not have been pre-planned. Still awful but arguably not as bad as actively seeking out someone for sex. That's a whole other level of lacking in empathy.

Maybe he never did anything, but the trust would be gone for me. I guess I would want to do some digging ect...to be ready to leave I guess I might need....more. But..is it enough on it's own to call it off with him...very possibly.

Gaslighting and dismissing all my feelings Yup, that would swing it. It'd be a toodles from me.

Hes talking shit. my partner and I both escort. He is visiting them on his lunch breaks, way home etc. So many women who say he wouldnt have time dont think about the work hours but it's so common. We dont work in the day time but we get a ridiculous amount of calls and texts off men on their lunchbreak and when we say we only work evenings the answer is usually they're married and cant nip out any other time.

The friend story is bullshit. We aren't even that careful and as far as we know no ones gossiping about us. We are well known and someone wouldve told me. Generally because clients dont want to be found out due to stigma (even single ones, ones who just want to talk or cuddle etc, we have a few of those) and certainly wouldnt be spreading it about as gossip about what we are doing for money.

No normal people would go prying like that and if some do then they keep it to themselves.

Ask him if he thinks it's acceptable to stalk women just to what, gossip and berate and shame them for the job theyve chosen?

Dpnt bring up the name thing. He is experienced using escorts. He will know we domt give out our real names. He will say they couldn't remember her escorting name just the area.

Sorry for typos, in the bath on mobile x

He's disgusting. The fact that he'd even looked into going to an escort is enough to leave him.

I'm so angry. We tried to talk but it went nowhere as I expected. I searched my google search history, apparently he's been logged in my account for months and never logged out. I can see everything he googled. It seems he's addicted to porn and use it every single day. That doesn't bother me, although it did make my eyes hurt.

In the last three months, he searched for local escorts on three occasions, and special massage services in the local area.

I took screenshots and confronted him, he played dumb and asked me what he was looking at. Then accused me of invading his privacy by tracking him, although it was an accident when I first found out. Then he played it down saying he loves me and internet is fiction.

By that time I had to leave the room as I felt I had so much to say but didn't know where to start.

Apparently he also been telling a sob story to his mum and playing the victim, his mum actually sent me a thousand words long text telling me the story of this school friend and how she had a hard upbringing and lost her way and [name redacted] did it out of 'stupid curiosity '... I just think wow, there's someone who is more naive than me!

As I'm typing this now, he still insists on his story. And I'm just too tired to even explain how lame his stories are and he was just insulting my intelligence so I told him to fuck off. He still doesn't get how fucked up this is and think I'm blowing everything out of proportion.

You are not blowing everything out of proportion. He is minimizing and gaslighting you. The same happened to me and I dug further and found out it had been going on for years. Check phone records and ATM withdrawals. I would tell him to leave.

Oh god he's so brazen. I can't believe he's still trying to gaslight you. You have several thousand percent of the evidence you need. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. And sending strength to get though it.